I Asked My DIL to Pay Me for Babysitting, and It Shattered Our Peace

Setting clear expectations around babysitting within the family can be really tricky. In this story, a woman started to feel taken for granted after regularly watching her grandkids, so she asked to be paid for her time. Her daughter-in-law pushed back and things quickly spiraled into a bigger disagreement. Now the family is caught in the middle, trying to figure out how to move forward.

No one seemed to truly notice or value her efforts.

My son and daughter-in-law have two young kids, and I’ve been helping with them for months. I mean really helping. Constant babysitting, pickups, bedtime routines, even sleeping over at their place just so she could rest.

At first, I didn’t mind. I love my grandkids. But slowly, things started to shift. She stopped asking and just expected me to show up. I’d get a text like “See you at 7 a.m.” and that was that.

No discussion. No please. No thank you. That’s when I realized: I have a life too. I’m not a live-in nanny.

She decided it was time to speak up.

I told my DIL, “If you want me to babysit regularly, I’ll need to be paid.” She rolled her eyes and said, “You’re their grandma. Don’t be dramatic.” So I sent her a small bill. Just a modest hourly rate.

The next day, I was stunned when she suddenly sent me a bill for groceries. My DIL highlighted everything I’d eaten while babysitting. That’s when I called my son.

Her son ended up siding with his wife.

I told him everything. He said, “Mom, I get that you’re tired, but you’re talking about your grandkids. Don’t be so harsh.” I felt like I’d been slapped.

“Yes, and I love them,” I said. “But I can’t keep giving up my time and energy with no boundaries. I’m burnt out.” He didn’t really respond. The call ended awkwardly.

For a few weeks, I didn’t offer to babysit. I needed space, and honestly, I hoped they’d see how much I’d been doing.

A part of her still wonders if she did the right thing.

Then one morning, my DIL knocked on my door with the kids in tow. She looked stressed and said, “I need to get to a doctor’s appointment. Can you please help? Just for a few hours.”

I wanted to say yes. But I asked, “Have you found a nanny yet?” She rolled her eyes, mumbled something, and left with the kids looking confused.

Now I feel torn. Am I being heartless? Or just setting a boundary I should’ve set long ago? I love my grandkids, but I don’t want to feel used.

We appreciate you opening up about what you’re going through!

Setting babysitting boundaries with loved ones can feel uncomfortable, and it’s totally normal to feel unsure about it afterward. To help you feel more confident moving forward, we’ve put together some tips on how to approach your son and daughter-in-law with honesty and care. Hopefully, it’ll bring a bit more peace and clarity to the situation.

• Acknowledge the pressure they’re under, without ignoring your own. Your DIL may be overwhelmed, and it’s possible she started relying on you so heavily because she saw you as a safe, steady source of support. That doesn’t make it okay, but seeing her stress might help you approach the situation with empathy.
  You can say, in your own way, that you understand raising kids is hard, but being relied on without thanks or warning has taken a toll. Showing you see both sides opens the door to rebuilding a relationship based on mutual care, not silent resentment.
• Offer a middle ground that honors everyone’s needs. You don’t have to say yes to everything or go completely cold. If you’re willing, propose a schedule that you create, maybe one or two days a week where you’re available for short periods, with advance notice.
  Outside of that, let them know they need to arrange other care. This helps them see your time as valuable and gives you space to enjoy your role as a grandparent.

• Keep your bond with the grandkids separate from the conflict. Your grandchildren love you and likely have no idea about the tension between the adults. When you see them, keep things warm and positive, so they always feel safe and loved in your presence.
  If you do decline to babysit, make sure they still know you’re available for special visits, playtime, or weekend fun on your terms. This way, they don’t feel caught in the middle, and you get to enjoy the parts of being a grandma that bring you joy.
• Let time and consistency do the healing. Right now, things feel tense. But if you stay firm in your boundaries and consistent in your kindness, things can start to heal.
  Over time, your DIL and son may begin to realize how much you’ve done and how gently you’re trying to shift the relationship back to a healthier place. Let your actions speak, stay patient, and trust that showing self-respect is one of the best lessons you can pass down to your grandkids.

Hanging out with your grandkids isn’t just about the laughs and sweet moments—it actually comes with a surprising bonus. Research shows that looking after them can help keep your mind active and your mood lifted. Plus, the joy they bring can be a real boost to your overall well-being.