I Refuse to Carry All Burdens in Our Marriage, Even Though My Husband Is Chronically Ill

For two decades, Jenna has been the unwavering pillar of her marriage. She’s been working like a horse and has bravely taken every single responsibility, just because her spouse is ill. But now, things are about to explode. Here’s her story.

Here’s Jenna’s story

“Hi, Bright Side,

I (39F) have been married to Jay (41M) for almost 20 years. Since day one, I’ve been the one keeping our lives afloat. I work two jobs, pay the bills, take care of our house, and raise our autistic son. Meanwhile, Jay just exists.

He has a chronic illness, which I’ve always respected and supported him through. But the truth is, he uses it as a permanent excuse to do nothing. He won’t even try. If I bring up needing help, he acts like I’m cruel for ‘not understanding what he’s going through.’

I’m burned out. I feel like a single mom with an extra adult child to look after. Last week, I hit rock bottom and called his mom (my MIL) to ask if she could step in even a little. She refused, saying, ‘It’s your duty as a wife.’ As if my only purpose in life is to serve her son until I drop dead from exhaustion.

I told Jay exactly how I feel, ‘If you won’t talk to your mom about helping me, I’m leaving with our child. You can stay with your mom.’ He just stared at me, but still hasn’t said a word to her. He just mopes and guilt-trips me about how ‘unfair’ I’m being.

I know marriage is about supporting each other, but at what point is enough enough? I can’t keep being the entire safety net while everyone else sits back.

Am I the bad guy here for drawing that line?”

Jenna’s story resonated with so many people in our community

Our readers rushed to the comments after they saw Jenna’s story. Some were there to support the woman, some criticized Jenna and her life choices, some even shared their own painful life experiences. Here are the most popular comments from our readers:

• Grateful_Garden_Gnome: “Honestly, I’m with her. Twenty years is a long time to carry all that weight. I have a chronic illness myself, and while it’s tough, you have to try. Using it as a crutch for two decades? That’s not an illness; that’s an excuse. The part about the MIL saying, ‘It’s your duty as a wife,’ just boils my blood. That’s some archaic, harmful nonsense. This isn’t a marriage; it’s a full-time caregiving job. She’s not the bad guy for wanting to save herself.”
• Sunset_Chaser_91 “Whoa. This hits close to home. My ex had a lot of mental health struggles, which I was always there for. But it got to the point where he refused to do anything to help himself. I was his therapist, his mom, his financial planner... everything. The exhaustion is real. I ended up leaving, and honestly, it was the best decision I ever made. The peace you feel when you’re no longer carrying another person’s full life on your back is incredible. You’re not being cruel, you’re surviving.”
• StoicPhilosopher_01 " I understand her frustration, but I think the ultimatum is a bit harsh. Marriage is about “in sickness and in health.” Maybe his illness is more debilitating than she realizes. It’s easy for us to judge from the outside, but we don’t know the full extent of his suffering. Talking to his mother and making him choose? That feels like a low blow, especially after 20 years. They need counseling, not an ultimatum.“
• KindredSpirit1988_ “It’s so sad. You can feel her exhaustion through the screen. My husband had a serious accident a few years back, and I had to take over everything for a while. It was exhausting, but it was temporary. The thought of doing that for two decades while the other person makes zero effort? I can’t even imagine. She’s not the bad guy. She’s a human being with limits.”
• Old_Man_Yells_At_Clouds “Back in my day, you worked through things. You didn’t just up and leave because things got hard. This ‘burnout’ talk is new to me. He has a chronic illness, for crying out loud. That’s a valid reason to slow down. She needs to remember her vows. I think she’s being a bit selfish here.”

• The_Truth_Hurts_22 “I get it. I’m chronically ill myself, and this guy gives the rest of us a bad name. Some people use their diagnosis as a free pass to become a parasite. It’s not fair to the people who genuinely try to manage their symptoms and contribute. He’s not just ‘existing’; he’s actively draining the life out of her. She has every right to leave.”
• Wandering_Wonderer “What really gets me is the MIL’s comment. ‘It’s your duty as a wife.’ That kind of thinking traps women in miserable situations for generations. It’s not a wife’s duty to be a personal nurse and wallet for an able-bodied man who won’t even try to help himself. You’re not a bad guy, you’re the hero of your own story, finally standing up for yourself.”
• Life_Is_Short_And_So_Am_ "You are not the bad guy. You are not. The marriage vows aren’t a self-destroying pact. The woman is not obligated to work herself into the ground while her husband does nothing and guilts her about it. And a son with autism needs a present, healthy, and happy parent, not one who’s completely burned out. You’re just doing what’s best for both of you in the long run.
  
  “Cautious_Optimist_77 “I feel for both of them, honestly. This is a very complex situation. The MIL’s comment was terrible, but I wonder if the wife’s ultimatum was the best way to handle it. He might be depressed, which is often a companion to chronic illness. Pushing him away could make things much worse. Maybe she should have offered counseling first? It feels like the nuclear option without trying everything else.”
• MamaBear_of_4 “As a mother, my heart aches for her. You just can’t keep giving and giving until you have nothing left. He is taking advantage of her kindness. What kind of example is this for their son? That it’s okay for one person to do all the work? She’s doing the right thing for herself and her child by showing them that everyone deserves to be respected and cared for.”
• Just_Here_For_The_Drama “Idk, calling his mom and then immediately threatening to leave? That seems pretty extreme. Why not sit down and have a real conversation first, without involving the MIL? It feels like a quick jump to a ‘me vs. him’ situation.”
• The_Realist_86 “The line she’s drawing is long overdue. I’ve seen this happen too many times. People get comfortable being helpless because they know someone else will pick up the slack. He’s not moping because he’s sad; he’s moping because his gravy train is about to leave the station. She’s not the bad guy at all. She’s finally putting her own oxygen mask on.”

Here’s a piece of advice from Bright Side editorial team:

Dear Jenna,

Sometimes, the hardest part of a tough situation is realizing you’re not the bad guy for putting yourself first. You’ve spent 20 years living up to a promise, carrying a family, and supporting someone who, for whatever reason, has stopped meeting you halfway. Your mother-in-law’s comment, that it’s “your duty”, is a perfect example of a dangerous myth: that a partner’s role is to be an endless well of support, no matter the personal cost.

The truth is, a marriage is a partnership. It’s not a contract where one person gives everything until they break while the other takes without gratitude or effort. You’ve reached your limit, and that’s not a failure; it’s a natural human response to an unsustainable situation. The line you’ve drawn, the ultimatum, isn’t cruel. It’s a boundary. It’s the final, painful step you’ve taken to save yourself and your child from sinking with the ship.

You’ve tried talking, you’ve tried supporting, and you’ve even tried bringing in help. Now, the ball is in his court. Let it stay there. Don’t let his guilt trips or passive-aggressive silence make you feel like you’re in the wrong. He has a choice to make: either he steps up and becomes an active partner in this marriage, or he continues to live with the consequences of his inaction.

Your responsibility now is to focus on yourself and your child. Whatever happens next, remember that you are not a bad person for wanting a marriage that is reciprocal and fair. You deserve a partner, not another child to care for.

And here’s a letter from a man, who asked to remain anonymous. He wrote to us about his marriage of eight years. His wife, according to him, is strong, ambitious, and financially successful. He, on the other hand, is still “finding his path.” For the last five years, she’s carried the financial load for the household, while he’s contributed what he can through occasional gigs and emotional support. Now, the man is mad at his wife, all because she refuses to give money to his struggling parents. Read on to find out all details of this dramatic family situation, and we bet you’ll have a lot to say!