I Refuse to Carry the Family Line Just Because My SIL Can’t, I’m Not a Baby Machine

Our reader shared that her brother’s wife can’t have kids. And suddenly, her family decided she would carry the legacy. But there was just one problem. One private comment sparked a family-wide meltdown. Would you pressure your kids to make such a decision?

Hello, Bright Side,

My brother married my sister-in-law two years ago. They’ve been trying to have a baby, but after countless attempts and heartbreak, doctors recently told them that my SIL is infertile.

Since then, my parents kept saying to me, “At least you can carry on the family,” or, “We still have hope through you.” Every time they say that, I feel like I’m being recruited into some kind of backup womb plan. I’ve never wanted kids. I’ve been sure of that for a long time. And while I haven’t made anything permanent yet, I’ve been seriously considering getting my tubes tied.

At a recent family gathering, I slipped into the guest room to vent to my cousin. I said, “I’m so sick of this legacy crap. I’m not a baby machine they can just activate because someone else can’t conceive. I will get my tubes tied.”

The next morning, when I woke up, I froze when I found 50 missed calls. My brother. My parents. Even my SIL. Turned out, my cousin, someone I trusted, told my brother everything.

I don’t even know how to respond. My whole family is raging.

Sandra B.

Hi Sandra,

What your family is doing is not okay. It’s not your job to continue anyone’s legacy. Here are a few things you can do:

• Don’t argue about your decision. If you choose to get your tubes tied, that’s your call. It’s not up for debate. You don’t need your family’s permission or approval. Whether or not you share that decision is totally up to you.
  You don’t owe anyone an explanation. If they’re yelling, let them cool off. Don’t call back in panic. You didn’t do anything wrong by expressing what you want for your own body.
• Or instead of defending yourself, calmly ask: “Why are you so angry about a personal decision that doesn’t affect you?” Put the pressure back on them. Make them explain why your reproductive choices are their business.
  It’s not them who are going to carry and raise the baby. And you can’t do it just to please them and let them know that the family won’t end up on you.
• If you’re comfortable with it, a well-placed joke can disarm people. Here are some ideas for you:

If I had a dollar for every time someone brought up “carrying on the family line,” I could pay someone else to do it.

I missed the part where I signed up as the family’s fertility plan B.

Sorry, my uterus is on strike. Try again in the next lifetime.

At this point, I should start charging rent for all the space my uterus is taking up in your conversations.

Legacy? I’m still figuring out what I want for lunch tomorrow.

You are not a solution to someone else’s problem.

We’re on your side.
Bright Side

And this isn’t the only story we’ve received like this. One reader told us her mother cut her off just because she didn’t give her grandkids. But the surprise came when her stepfather stepped in. Read the full story here: I’m Childfree, So My Mom Gave Everything to Her Stepson