I Refuse to Delay My Retirement to Help My Sick Daughter

Family & kids
3 weeks ago

Retirement is something many people look forward to after spending decades working hard and caring for others. It’s a time to finally rest, enjoy life, and focus on personal dreams that may have been put on hold. But for some, reaching this stage comes with unexpected challenges and difficult decisions—especially when family responsibilities don’t stop, even after the job does. Recently, one reader wrote to Bright Side to share her emotional story about facing this very situation.

Katherine’s letter:

Dear Bright Side,

My name is Katherine. I’m 64 and finally retiring after 45 years of work.

Recently, my 27-year-old daughter became very ill and left her job. She’s a single mom to three kids and begged me to keep working to support her and the kids. I told her, “I’m sorry, but I need to put myself first.”

She shouted, “You’ll regret this!”

Later that night, I decided to visit her, just to make sure everything was okay. When I got there, a wave of unease washed over me when I saw the house empty. It was 10 p.m., and it was unlike them not to be home, especially with school the next morning.

N Gomes
3 weeks ago

These are the entitled children who think their parents should help them with THEIR children. If one can't afford to have children, DON'T have them. Parents have done their duty raising their children. I'm a grandmother and thankfully NONE of children burden me with their issues.

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LYDIA ISHAYA-AUDU
3 weeks ago

I just feel sorry for the poor children who didn't ask to be born and have now been abandoned by their mother. Where is the father by the way? If the mother is really ill, is there no help from social services?

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Gina Mason
3 weeks ago

What would make your daughter go to such an extreme? What makes her think she could get at you like that and you would go for it? Hmm probably the way she was raised .. sounds like the spoiled entitled child someone taught/allowed her to be . Sad thing is the little kids pay for this by being abandoned in foster care, something I wouldn't wish on anyone as a former foster kid. Sounds like a no win situation to me. I hope we find out what y'all decide to do.

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Rachel Wood
3 weeks ago

It sounds like the mother is fine now and not sick anymore and she shouldn't have had to quit her job because she was sick but I don't know all the details. Where is the Father(s)? They got her pregnant? It's not the grandmother's responsibility to take care of her kids. The mother does sound irresponsible and hurting the kids because of feud with grandmother. If the Father is still alive that should be the person to ask for money not gma, but that's is if she can't actually work still and can't support them with job still. Don't know enough details to say anything else.

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Hope Tirendi
3 weeks ago

Maybe if all these single moms would stop spitting out kids with random guys they would be able to support themselves. Not rely on other people or the State to do it for them.

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3 weeks ago
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3 weeks ago
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Don't believe A word!
3 weeks ago

Why are alot of people saying this lady is in the wrong? At 64 she has done caring for her daughter and shoud not carry on working just to support her, the daughter has her own life and kids to support. Alot of people have to get through situations like this with no one to help them , like me i never had any support from my side of the family which i cut off a long time ago, i have 3 kids and multiple illnesses so it can be done, some people just want an easy way.

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Lynn
3 weeks ago

Wow! What an extremely selfish woman to think that just because she's going into retirement she can ignore her sick daughter who is sick and struggling to survive and keep her family afloat.
What goes around comes around and there will come a day when this old hag of a mother needs her daughter's help. What if the
daughter tells her when she's in need of help that she has to live her life and can't be bothered with taking care of her because she has to live her own life.

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Stersil
3 weeks ago
Lynn

The senior mother has a right to live and survive as well as the daughter. There was no mention of the children's father. Where is he? They're usually are services available to people in her position she might Avail herself of that help. Placing the burden and blame on her mother is ridiculous. She's already served her time and is trying to retire. She has that right. Anyone who believes otherwise can go service the daughter.

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Shaun Michalak
3 weeks ago
Lynn

Cough cough.. I have the flu.. I am not going into work because of it.. please work so I don't have to.. who knows.. This could have been very well the situation.. So who would be the entitled one then?? The selfish one who worked for what she got, or the selfish one who decided it was too much work to work and wanted a free ride?

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janice coles
3 weeks ago
Lynn

I see this happening a lot. A friend's mother just turned 80. Her daughter has two adult kids and one in high school. This poor grandma is still working to help her chronically ill daughter.

It's not fair. She should see what services ate available for her daughter. She should then retire.

We shouldn't have to raise our kids, care for our aging parents, then turn around and take care of our adult children and our grandchildren. Where does it stop?

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N Gomes
3 weeks ago
janice coles

The onus is on the grandmother to stand her ground and say "sorry, I've raised my kids and now it's time for you to raise yours".

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3 weeks ago
If comments are hidden, there's a reason for this.
Kimm Smith
3 weeks ago
Lynn

It's one thing to ask for help. Asking her mother to keep working when she's at an age to retire and enjoy her life is wrong. Grandma can help in other ways without giving up everything she has worked for. She raised her child and isn't responsible to continue to give everything to her adult daughter. Her daughter needs to get creative in ways to get the help she needs. Asking for help is acceptable, asking for her mother to do everything is wrong.

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Zulma Morales
3 weeks ago
Lynn

Why would you think that? The daughter should not be manipulating her mother and recur to threats to get her to abide to her demands! This is called entitlement! I think the daughter should be considerate of her mother and find a way to take care of the kids she willingly brought to this world! That’s part of being an adult.

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venomdrop
3 weeks ago

It is selfish, but it's your life and it's ok to be selfish. Just like it's ok for your daughter to ask for help if she needs it. This is a tough situation. Your daughter is going through a lot being ill, trying to work, navigate the system, and take care of small children. Dealing with doctors-insurance alone is like having a full time job in of its self. Trying to navigate the system to get different assistance is a nightmare and is like another full time job. And raising children most people agree is more than a full time job...It's obvious that you care and you know your boundaries. If you want to continue a relationship with your daughter, choosing a more empathetic way of expressing your needs may help heal the hurt feelings. Instead of me over you language...Validate her feelings, but also share your reasoning....e.g. I know you are too sick to work. I am too tired to continue working, stress will start to wear me down. I want to help you how I can but I can not continue working. This is how I can help......If you don't want to help that's fine as well. But don't expect a relationship with them or help when you are older, visits at the nursing home etc.

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Shaun Michalak
3 weeks ago
venomdrop

I feel, no one is entitled to anything that they didn't work for.. So is it really being selfish to not want to work and get nothing in return? Or possibly to lose money? If you collect SS and work full time at that age, then you have to pay taxes on the SS money you get.. So if she works full time and gives the full check to her daughter, then she now doesn't even have her full SS check to live off of due to taxes.. so is the mother is selfish for not wanting to work anymore when she earned her way, then why is the daughter not more selfish for expecting a free ride?

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Kris
3 weeks ago

You are some piece of work. Your chose to have children, and now your child is SICK and needs you so you choose NOW to put yourself first "just this once" (I don't believe that's true anyway)? I would give my literal life to help my children. I feel bad for your daughter.

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Angela Clements
3 weeks ago
Kris

Entitled to enjoy retirement worked 45 yrs. Children grow up into adults who should then take responsibility for themselves.

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Don't believe A word!
3 weeks ago
Kris

And Why not she did her bringing up and wants to retire? The daughter cant be that ill if she packed up a full house and moved out wih in a few short hrs. Where are the kids dad\dads and why is he not helping or just to prove a point why are the kids paternal grand parents not involved to help their grand kids? The op is not an atm.

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3 weeks ago
Big Brother is watching you.
Erik D Wilson
3 weeks ago
Kris

I feel bad for the people around you because it seems that you expect everybody else to drop everything at every moment and take care of you. This woman is 64 years old and worked her whole life.And you're saying nope, you don't deserve to retire. Yeah okay.. Well we can all see what kind of person you are..

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Cincee Wittenbach
3 weeks ago

What about the father- im sick of everyone else having to take over, except the father. He should be paying support not the grandma. I'm a grandma and working i couldn't support them all with what I make but could help!

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Matt Smolensky
3 weeks ago
Cincee Wittenbach

Nice assumptions your making there ... did it ever occur to that most absent fathers are absent for a reason? My stepdaughters biodad is a homeless drug addict. If you know a way to get meaningful support from someone like that, I still wouldn't try for it. The less some biodads are involved, the better.

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Thelma Jones
3 weeks ago

Girl, you earned your retirement. I think its a way to manipulate you into stepping in. What is wrong with the daughter that she couldn't get state assistance & keep her own kids? I'm just saying 🤷🏽

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Kris
3 weeks ago
Thelma Jones

The daughter is sick; I think half the people with children shouldn't ever have had them because they don't know how to be real parents.

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3 weeks ago
The comment has hidden itself outside our galaxy.
barbara Nivens
3 weeks ago
Kris

Imo far too many just assume that their parents will jump at the chance to be free daycare without asking them first. Their parents have already raised their kids. They have a life.

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Jenny Austin
3 weeks ago

We are not the same type of grandmother. I retired early to care for my 6 grands full time. I would crawl through glass to help my children or grandchildren.

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Matt Smolensky
3 weeks ago
Jenny Austin

Yes! This! I agree that grandma "deserves" her retirement, but for decent people, decisions are based on what they have to do, not what they deserve to do. There came a point where my mom had to keep working to help my kids, and then there came a time she could take her deserved retirement. She did what she needed to do under both circumstances, cause that's what good people do.

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Matt Smolensky
3 weeks ago
N Gomes

People who have aid to offer but fail to for something as trivial as an early retirement are the entitled ones. I love how you ridiculous boomers, who got twice as much reward for half the effort, call others entitled. This daughter has nothing, through no fault of her own, as far as we know. The grand kids have nothing though no fault of their own, for certain. The rich old boomer with the early retirement is somehow less entitled then them? Get real, and reign in you tone when you're addressing your betters.

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Kris
3 weeks ago
Judith Daniel

The daughter is sick; THAT'S why she's unemployed. I feel sorry for everyone who has boomer parents like you. Then y'all wonder why your kids are just waiting for that inheritance check 🤣

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Cheryl Speegle
3 weeks ago
Kris

Not everyone gets a inheritance check. They can will their money to anyone they choose. I have a friend who parents were very well off, and he got nothing. People tend to think they are entitled to everything these days. Besides we don't really know the dynamics of the family. Also where is the father of the kids? If the table was turned would her daughter be there for her mother, I sort of doubt it, she would be saying I have to live my life etc

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Serenity Now 40
3 weeks ago

She was going to abandon them with you so you were accurate to put yourself first. Although I am sorry for your grandchildren it is not your responsibility to care for them. seek therapy if you feel guilty but you have every right to live your life without it

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Jacqueline Ithell
3 weeks ago

Not as much as your daughter will abandoning her children why did the brother or other relatives step in do not be manipulation

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Just then, her son called me in tears. I froze when he told me that his mother had left him and his two younger sisters at a foster care facility. The girls were terrified and hadn’t stopped crying.

Since then, she’s refused to speak to me. The only thing she said was that she had no other option—she couldn’t support 3 children without a job, and I was her only hope. She told me I had turned my back on her.

I’m heartbroken. I don’t know what to do. I’ve spent decades working and dreaming of retirement. Now that it’s finally here, I’m being asked to give it up to carry someone else’s burden. It feels unfair. Cruel, even.

Am I selfish for choosing myself—just this once?

—Katherine

Dear Katherine,

Thank you for sharing your story—it’s deeply personal, painful, and complex. Choosing yourself after 45 years of work is not a small decision, and it’s made harder when it intersects with family crises.

You’re not selfish for wanting peace, but the situation you’re in calls for both compassion and boundaries. Here are 4 approaches to help you navigate this moment.

Take emergency custody—temporarily—and explore state support immediately.

Gela Branch
3 weeks ago

This really makes me mad about the mother not helping her daughter. I was in the same situation when I had cancer and needed help. I was in treatments for years. Now I'm almost 50 and my parents want me to relocate over 300 miles because they don't want to move into a nursing home. I hope she has karma like my parents are experiencing now.

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If your grandchildren are currently in foster care, you might consider stepping in temporarily—not as a long-term parent, but as a transitional guardian. This could protect the children from further trauma while giving you time to explore non-parental solutions.

In many states, grandparents who assume custody can access emergency welfare funds, housing subsidies, or child care aid.

  • Ask yourself: Can I step in short-term without giving up retirement forever?
  • Important action: Contact child welfare services or a family law attorney. Ask about kinship care programs or temporary custody that allow you to support the children without adopting a permanent parental role.

This path helps the children without locking you into a long-term sacrifice you didn’t sign up for.

Set boundaries while opening the door to rebuilding trust with your daughter.

Your daughter’s abandonment of her children was shocking and deeply hurtful—but it also came from a place of panic, mental breakdown, or desperation. That doesn’t excuse it, but understanding it might help you reach her later.

For now, let her know that:

  • You will not accept being manipulated.
  • You are still willing to help—but within your limits.
  • You’re open to talking, when she is ready to do so, without threats or guilt.

You don’t need to take everything on to show love. Boundaries with a wounded loved one are often the only bridge to real healing.

Explore a new form of retirement that includes purpose—not full-time care.

Your dream was a well-earned retirement. That dream might still be alive—but maybe it now includes being present for your grandkids without becoming a full-time parent.

Could you:

  • Retire partially while supervising a hired caregiver?
  • Use some of your savings or pension to fund a nanny or shared housing with another family member?
  • Volunteer a few days a week at their school or offer after-school help without taking full custody?

This hybrid path honors both your need for rest and your desire to protect your family.

Talk to a therapist specializing in family estrangement and caregiver guilt.

Ruth Gilchrist
3 weeks ago

Not everyone is able to help care for children at 65. I am one of them.....where as my husband is 74 and still working casual, roughly 6 months out of 12 and loves it and is physically able to.

I think we need to know a lot more here to make a decision and comment on whether OP is right or wrong.

If the USA provides assistance to those who can't work, one has to ask why didn't she apply for this. Can she work but doesn't want to 🤷‍♀️

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You’re dealing with an avalanche of conflicting emotions: guilt, betrayal, grief, exhaustion. A professional therapist—especially one with experience in elder-care guilt and family estrangement—could help you:

  • Separate reasonable guilt from manipulated guilt.
  • Process decades of giving and what it means to finally choose yourself.
  • Find words and frameworks to rebuild relationships—on your terms.

You deserve a space that’s about you, not just the people asking more of you.

Linda gave up everything to move in with her ailing mother and care for her full-time—only to uncover a heartbreaking truth that changed everything. Her story is here.

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Darren Whitehouse
3 weeks ago

Without knowing the disease or the progress of said disease, it's easy to point a finger in either direction. The grandmother is NTA for not wanting to take on full time child care responsibilities or for wanting to live her retirement free of those types of responsibilities. The mother could be depending on the severity of the disease, but there are a lot of programs available to help single mothers with housing, food, childcare without her having to fully lean on her retirement age mother to continue working full time to support an entirely separate household. They need to sit down and talk about this together, because there is a whole lot of middle ground available before splitting the entire family up.

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Christena Bella
3 weeks ago

My heart breaks for YOUR grand kids…
No guarantee foster care is safe. I’m stunned by you and your daughter both.

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kurious katie
3 weeks ago

Failure to prepare. Her daughter just sprang a load of problems on her mother, knowing her mom had planned to retire. The kids have another parent? The daughter is wrong to just think her mother is her first line of help and that mom should put her life on hold immediately. Selfishness on the part of the daughter--your mom doesn't drop everything for you, so you dump your kids into foster care?? You tell your mom you're sick. Then you ask for her help navigating this new reality.You do not guilt trip someone from whom you're asking help. I became quite ill when I was a young adult and while I had no kids, I did not even tell my mom about my hospitalizations unless it was totally necessary. I kept working, found a way to pay my enormous medical bills and kept a roof over my head without burdening her. This lady should not feel bad to herself first. Old age is no joke. Seniors have issues that spring out of nowhere. What happens if she has health issues and needs take it easy? Nope NTA.

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Dawid Wójcik
3 weeks ago

Both extremely selfish. But what can you expect it's the same blood. Both leave their kids when they need them the most.

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Jessica Dawson
3 weeks ago

Y'all can calm down this is fake. The telltale sign of a fake post on here is the quote " you're going to regret this". Brightside likes to use it in their fake post.

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