Family money issues can be complicated, especially when they mix with relationships and expectations. Many people feel stressed when financial responsibilities aren’t clearly defined, often sparking debates about fairness and boundaries. When stepfamilies are involved, emotions and trust add even more tension. Recently, someone reached out to us with a personal letter on this very subject.
Hi Bright Side,
I’ve been married to my husband for 7 years. I’m childfree, but he has one daughter, Mila, who is turning 18.
Mila is going to college soon, and she chose a pricey one. My husband wants me to help him with the tuition because I earn more than him. He had never asked me for anything regarding her expenses, but I guess college was something he really needed my help with.
I never wanted any kids myself because I don’t want the burden, and he knows it well. So, I told him, “Do I look like a walking ATM? Your kid’s education is not my responsibility. Let her go to a community college.”
He smirked, said “Okay” and then left the room. I went out of the house, thinking that the issue was settled.
A couple of hours later, I came back home and froze: my husband had packed his things in boxes, and they were near the entry hall.
He looked at me and said, “Now you will be more comfortable in the house. I decided to move out with Mila so that you don’t have to carry any responsibilities.”
His plan was to move into a much smaller studio and use the rent he pays for our fancy house to cover his daughter’s tuition.
Just like that, he decided to leave our home and let me live there all by myself, as if I were a stranger to him! I couldn’t say anything because I was in shock.
It’s been a week, and I haven’t heard from him. I don’t know what to do.
Does he have the right to pressure me to contribute to his daughter’s tuition?
My money is mine, I earned it, and I should have the freedom to do what I want with it... and what I want is to spend it on myself!
Any advice for me?
Denise
Hmmm. Your both wrong. I understand not your kid not your responsibility but how you worded it was wrong. The daughter should be paying for her college or your husband. If your married your in it together but it doesn't sound like either one of you care about each other.
Naw. I am on the husband's side. Once your a parent you are a a bodyguard....FOR LIFE. Rule numba 1: Blood had nothing to with FAMILY. This could have been handled very differently by you.
You are going to have to let him go. If he will pack up and pout over his daughter's pricey tuition, he'll leave you over anything. Where is her mother??? Why isn't she helping? It isn't your responsibility. Period!!
what a jerk for a husband!
Was this spoken about prior to marriage? I don’t believe you’re responsible for his daughter’s lifestyle. She should get loans like most people do.
Seriously, what do people think marriage is about?
No, he doesn't. But you shouldn't have married someone with kids with that attitude. I married a man with a child and supported him. He made the choices but it was OUR money. I never protested and chose to have kids with him based on how he treated his daughter.
Denise is a terrible person
He made it very clear that his priority is to make sure that his daughter is well set up for the future and if you weren't going to help, the only way he could do that was by moving out and cutting down on his bills. You didn't really leave him with much of a choice. You shouldn't be shocked that he chose his child. That's a decision most parents would make. It was obviously very important to him and you refused to support him. If you want to be a good partner, sometimes you have to make sacrifices. You've made it very clear that your number one priority is your own happiness. Parents don't always have that luxury. You may not be a parent, but he is. You're free to make your decision, but so is he.
What is the question? You got rid of two problems at once. You don't want kids? You don't have any. You don't want to pay for her tuition? You don't have to. They are gone and you will be better for it. He absolutely should pay for her education, and he should be embarrassed and ashamed that he even asked you without discussing it with you first, he should tell her she needs to help pay for the more expensive college she wants to go to. There is no reason for you to pay for it. That is your choice and you should not be made to feel bad or guilty about it. It's a fact of life that you must work for what you want, and if what you want is not in your budget then you need to set your sights lower.or be willing to work harder to afford it. I'm a firm believer in NOT marrying anyone with children, especially if you don't have any. Been there done that an all his kids wanted when he died was everything, even though it was all mine to begin with. Suddenly I should be responsible for the step grandchildren's needs. I couldn't and wouldn't accommodate them. No more relationship with me. Their loss IMO, besides if you make more money than he does you will be fine AND free!
Found the old cat lady
Not that old and only one cat, but it BELONGS TO ME and NO ONE ELSE IS ENTITLED TO IT! I bet you expect others to pay for YOUR PROBLEMS. Expectations rarely come to fruition when you expect others to fulfill them!
Lady, it sounds like you're still bitter about your husbands spoiled brats. You have no idea what the daughter is helping out with for college. You and this woman see one thing... Dollar signs for yourself. "It was all mine anyways." FFS. Get over yourself.
FAFO. You refuse to pay for her tuition, he refuses to pay for your house. Sounds fair to me.
Thank you, Denise, for sharing your story with us. We understand how shocking and painful it must have been to see your husband walk out so suddenly over this issue.
Your feelings are valid, and the situation deserves to be taken seriously. Here are 4 tips that might help you navigate what comes next.
His daughter's education costs are her responsibility. If her dad and mother (if she's alive) can help if they're able. If you earn more, then probably you paid more expenses in your household. Your husband is acting like a spoiled brat, walking out without further discussion or possible compromise. Maybe he's been looking for an exit and this was a convenient excuse. Don't give in to his blackmail. This is clearly not just about money. Sounds like there's something else going on. I was a stepmom to two teen girls who lived full time with their dad. I bent over backwards for them and the marriage. I got walked all over. So my opinion may be affected by that horrible experience. Listen to your gut and don't allow yourself to be manipulated or bullied to do this in order to save the marriage. Based on his IMO immature behavior that ship may have already sailed.
Ummmmm technically she DID sign up to be a step parent when she CHOSE to marry a man with a kid. If you don't want the responsibility of kids you sure as s@%t don't marry someone who has any. He's a Father FIRST; his daughter was in his life longer than you have been, and a husband second. She disrespected his daughter and his relationship with said daughter. Sure he could have gone about having a conversation about helping with tuition BUT maybe he thought you saw his daughter as family and wouldn't have an issue helping. Sorry but I side with the husband for supporting his daughter and it's his choice on how he chooses to help her pay for school so she's not saddled with debt. I probably have an unpopular opinion about this but I'm coming from a step parent side BUT neither my husband or I saw our kids as yours/mine/ours; 3 from previous marriages and 1 together, they're ALL ours.
This really isn't about the money. It's about family.
Your stepdaughter is part of a package deal. When you married, you knew that your husband had a child. If you can't treat her as part of your family, you don't deserve either of them.
Here’s another example of the challenges that can arise in blended families. A reader shared her story about refusing to let her stepdaughter move in, explaining that her own daughter’s comfort had to come first.
So her money is her money, and she should have a right to spend it as she wants, but his money is *not* his money and he *shouldn't* have a right to spend it as he wants?
Curious.
Thank you husband for making this decision for me. Now that we're getting a divorce I don't have to pay for anything that involves your daughter anymore, not just her tuition, I also no longer have to contribute to her home, feeding her, clothing her, making sure she has heat and hot water, spending money entertainment, or anything else.
Is OP saying that she works and keeps all her money, while her husband pays all the rent? How is that fair? This relationship seems doomed.
From what OP wrote, sounds like hubby & his daughter are well rid of her
If you didn't want kids, why marry someone who has them? When you marry someone with kids, you get the whole package. I see why the husband did what he did, you didn't want to help so he made it so you didn't have to. If my kid got accepted to a good college, and I needed help to pay for it and my partner could easily do so, I would never tell my kid "hey I know you worked your @$$ off getting into this school but too bad go to community College instead." I would expect my partner to feel like my kid is part of our family, it's not just my kid, but this should have been expressed before getting married.
