My Husband’s Ex Wife Calls Every Night “to Check In” and He Refuses to Set Boundaries

A woman recently sent us a heartfelt letter about the emotional toll of being married to a man who shares custody of his kids with an unusually present ex-wife. What started as a respectful co-parenting dynamic has slowly morphed into something that feels like an intrusion into her marriage. Her story raises tough questions about boundaries, blended families, and what it really means to put the kids first.

The letter.

Dear Bright Side,

When I married him, I knew he had a past. My husband has two kids he co-parents with his ex-wife. I accepted that. I even admired how dedicated he was to staying present in his children’s lives. But no one prepared me for how present his ex-wife would be in ours.

It started with small things: dropping the kids off late at night, texting him about things that had nothing to do with the kids, calling during our dinners “just to check in.” I tried to be understanding. I told myself they were just figuring out a rhythm. But that rhythm never settled. If anything, it’s gotten worse.

Now she shows up unannounced. Last week, she let herself in while I was in the kitchen and asked if we had almond milk. She laughed when I stood there speechless and said, “Relax, I’m family.”

My husband? He just shrugged and said, “She’s harmless.” But I don’t feel harmless, I feel invaded.

I’ve asked him to set some boundaries, but to my surprise, he said, “I need her to be close to the kids.” Then he accused me of being jealous. He told me that keeping the peace with her is “for the kids.” But what about peace in our home? Why does her comfort matter more than mine?

I don’t think she wants him back. It’s worse than that—she wants to remind me that she had him first. That she still has a key, both literally and emotionally. And my husband? He’s either blind to it, or he’s letting it happen.

I love him. But I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever get to be his real partner while she’s still living in the doorway of our life.

Am I overreacting? Or is this a red flag I’ve been ignoring for too long?

Sincerely,
Tasha

Here’s what we advise.

Hey Tasha,

Thank you for sending us your story. It takes courage to open up about something so personal, especially when it involves love, loyalty, and complicated family dynamics. Here are five pieces of advice we hope will help you navigate this tough situation:

1. You’re Allowed to Set Boundaries, and Stick to Them
It’s not selfish to ask for space or to expect your home to feel like your own. Talk to your husband calmly but firmly about what makes you uncomfortable and what you need to feel respected in your marriage.

2. Her Kindness Doesn’t Excuse Her Behavior
Just because she smiles or calls herself “family” doesn’t make her actions okay. You’re not wrong for feeling invaded; trust your instincts. Being nice doesn’t give someone permission to cross emotional or physical boundaries.

3. Don’t Let “for the Kids” Silence You
Supporting the kids is important, but it shouldn’t come at the cost of your mental and emotional well-being. A healthy co-parenting relationship shouldn’t make the current partner feel like an outsider.

4. Ask Your Husband to Step Up
This isn’t just about her—it’s about him, too. If he refuses to acknowledge your concerns or makes you feel like the jealous one, that’s a conversation worth having. He needs to understand that keeping peace outside the home shouldn’t mean creating tension inside it.

5. Don’t Lose Yourself Trying to Keep the Peace
If this situation continues to weigh on you, consider speaking with a couples’ therapist or a counselor on your own. You deserve a relationship where you feel like a full partner, not a guest in your own life.

You’re not overreacting, Tasha, you’re asking for something completely reasonable: respect, boundaries, and peace. And you’re absolutely allowed to refuse anything less.