I Refused to Let My Brother Live in the House I Bought for Our Mom

People

3 weeks ago

Rosa N.

Read 6 comments

Vickie N

2 weeks ago

If you gave the house to them, without retaining ownership, it's theirs to do with as they please. It's like any other gift. Once given, it's theirs. If you own it, you can sell it, rent it out, or make a contract that includes only your parents on a "lease". You don't have to collect any payments if you don't want to, but that way you have legal recourse. Also, please keep in mind that your parents are responsible for their own decisions. Stop trying to make them behave in a different way.

J B

2 weeks ago

Vickie N

Yeah hopefully she retained ownership and she can just sell the house or rent it out. The parents and brother can go live where they want and be happy.

Buying a house for your parents should be a story about gratitude, love, and security. For Kate, it turned into a lesson in family conflict and painful favoritism. Suddenly, the house meant to protect her parents became the center of betrayal, guilt, and the age-old question of what children owe their families.

Kate refused to let her brother live in the house she bought

Dear Bright Side,

I bought my parents a house. It wasn’t easy, but I wanted them to finally have some peace, to know they were safe and taken care of. There was only one condition: my brother was never allowed there.

He’s always had a shady past: bad business deals and constantly borrowing money he never pays back. And worst of all, he uses my parents. He drains them emotionally and financially, then disappears until the next crisis. I wanted this house to be their escape from that cycle. Today, I checked the cameras. And there he was. Standing in the yard, he stared at the camera, and then suddenly he held up a key.

The problem? I never gave him one. I panicked and called my parents right away, telling them to lock the doors. My dad answered, calm as ever, and said, “Don’t worry. We let him in.” That one line gutted me.

She feels her mother loves her brother more

My mom has always helped my brother more; I mean, her world is him and his kids. I’ve always seen that she loves him more than me. It hurts, but I’ve come to accept it because you can’t force someone, even your own mother, to love you the way you want.

But it still stings. I worked hard to give them that house, and the second he shows up, smiling like he owns the place, they open the door. Like my sacrifices mean nothing, because what my mom really wanted wasn’t safety, it was her golden child back under her roof.

And now I can already feel it coming: she’ll flip this around, make me feel guilty for excluding him, as if protecting them makes me the bad one. I can hear the words already: “He’s still your brother. Family is family.”

I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to keep helping my parents, but if my mom’s loyalty will always bend toward my brother, then maybe nothing I do will ever be enough.

So I need to know: am I the bad one here?

What can I do?

—Kate

Thank you, Kate, for sharing your feelings and experiences with us. While we may not fully understand exactly how you feel, we’d like to support you and help you cope by offering a few tips that might make you feel better

Keep the house in your name (non-negotiable)

If you’re paying, it should legally belong to you. Otherwise, your parents could decide to let your brother move in, and you’d have zero say. Owning it outright means you control who lives there, and you can step in if boundaries are crossed.

Frame it positively instead of negatively

Instead of “I don’t want [brother] there,” say: “I want this to be your safe retirement home, just the two of you. No extra stress, no extra roommates.” That way, the focus is on their peace, not your resentment of him. It’s harder for her to argue against something that sounds like it’s for her benefit.

Karen Vaccaro

3 days ago

Trespassing someone is great ONLY if they’re reported to the police. You know your parents won’t. If your brother damages the house, say urinated in the bedroom corner, you’d have grounds legally to remove him, but your parents won’t. Setting up controls on your parents absolutely wasn’t going to work. Retirement communities still have visitors. I don’t think you can win this one. If you can prove elder abuse from your brother, it’d be one hell of a mess to get into.

Make it clear this is a gift with conditions, not a negotiation

If your mom says, “but what about your brother?” the answer should be: “This is my offer. If it doesn’t work for you, that’s okay, but then I won’t buy the house.” No back-and-forth, no haggling. Either she accepts it, or she doesn’t.

Marge

2 weeks ago

You were trying to o buy your parents affection and it backfired,. If it is legally possible hire a lawyer to give your parents notice. Stop communicating with them and your brother let the lawyer handle everything. Rebuild your life and peace of mind.

Think about the “what if” scenarios

What happens if your brother loses his job, gets divorced, or says he has nowhere else to go? Will your parents fold? If yes, you’ll want safeguards. For example: you could write into the agreement that only your parents can live there, period.

Decide how much resentment you’re willing to carry

If you buy the house and your mom still pushes your brother’s needs over yours, will you regret it? If yes, it might be healthier not to buy the house at all. Sometimes walking away from a “too expensive emotionally” gift is the better move.

Ryan West

2 weeks ago

Sell it now and make them all homeless... I love it when a plan comes together...

Don’t do this hoping it’ll fix the favoritism

It’s bad that your mom clearly prioritizes him, but buying a house won’t magically change that. Only do it if you can accept that truth.

As parents grow older, we often face difficult decisions about how much responsibility to shoulder. In a similar story, the author refuses to carry the full weight of their parents’ retirement.

Comments

Get notifications

Tey

3 weeks ago

Why on earth would you work hard to buy a house and give it to your parents. You said yourself that you have always known that your mother loves your brother more than you so you should of known that your brother would turn up and be let in even if you said he wasn't to be there.
I hope you kept the deeds in your name and if you did then you need to tell them it's not ok and they either respect your rules or buy their own home. If you transferred the deeds over to your parents then unfortunately you have absolutely no say in who can or can't be there

Tina Elaine

2 weeks ago

I do know how you feel and completely empathize. However, you need to fully and finally accept that they will never change, and nothing you did can make them. I hope the home is in your name. Otherwise, start emotionally preparing yourself for them to leave the house to your brother after they pass. This is about them, not you. Focus on your own needs, not theirs. They’re never going to reciprocate your love. Never. Get into therapy and work on codependency issues. I’m sorry, and you deserve better. Put some space between yourself and these people.

Anne J

2 weeks ago

This is a matter of perspective. It's clear that you love your parents and at some point in your life, you obviously must have felt loved by them and appreciative of the upbringing they provided you. Otherwise, you wouldn't be trying so hard to take care of them now. But have you ever truly allowed yourself to think of things from their perspective? They have more than one child and they love them both. One child (you) clearly has their life together, while the other (your brother) seems to be a bit later in life development so they help him out more. This doesn't mean they love you less. Being a parent doesn't end just because your children are legally adults. You say you did this so your parents would have peace but ask yourself this, how much peace do you think your parents have knowing their son or their grandchildren are somewhere suffering or going without? I personally don't know any good parents who are at peace when they know their children aren't. If your heart's real intention is their peace/safety then you must be willing to acknowledge that what brings them feelings of peace maybe different than what you think should bring them peace. It's commendable to want to care for them but is denying them access to their son really a good/realistic way to go about things. It is a good idea to keep the home in your name so that it can not be financially leveraged/lost to your brother as he figures out life but it is not a good idea to try to keep him away from your parents altogether. By trying to control their time with him, your generosity seems less like a gift and more like a prison/shrine given by you for the sole purpose of worshipping you the good child with their life together while banishing your bad child brother.

Maryann Lima Lawson

2 weeks ago

I honestly hope you were smart enough to keep that house in your name. Because if you didn't, when your parents die they're leaving it to your brother and you'll still be stuck with the mortgage payment.

Amanda Clark

2 weeks ago

I am so sorry you are going through this. Feeling like you're doing it alone makes it all worse, I'm sure. I don't necessarily agree with, but understand the dynamics of everyone involved, I think. That being said, I also believe that being forced to an ultimatum is not the answer. Let people do what they want and you get to see what they would rather do. Anytime someone gives a gift to another person, it should be just that. That makes it theirs to do as they please with their gift. If it was something else, you need to be clear on the stipulations. I'm afraid in your situation however, you have created a breading ground for resentment. You have every right to feel how you feel. You're boundaries matter. Clearly your brother doesn't respect boundaries or care about hurting his so called loved ones. Do whatever you need to do to feel okay with yourself at the end of the day. After all, that's what it's all about. Don't let his ugly be your ugly.