I Refused to Take Part in Secret Santa—Now HR Stepped In

The holidays often bring cheerful traditions, but they can also create tension, awkward expectations, and surprising workplace drama. Many employees feel pressured to join activities they’re not comfortable with, leading to conflicts no one saw coming. Recently, a reader reached out to us with a story reflecting exactly this situation.

Sandra’s letter:

Dear Bright Side,

Earlier this week, I refused to take part in Secret Santa at the office. HR said, “Where is your team spirit?”

I replied, “I don’t have the time or money. I come here to earn, not spend!” She just smiled. I thought it was over.

Next day, imagine my shock when I got to the office and found a jar on my desk with a sticky note on it: “Money for Secret Santa!” I didn’t understand what was going on until I checked my inbox.

HR had sent an email to everyone. It said:

“Dear team,

During the holiday season, supporting and caring for one another reflects our company’s core values. Our colleague, Sandra W., is currently facing financial difficulties that make it hard for her to participate in Secret Santa this year.
We encourage everyone who wishes to help to contribute to her tip jar so that Sandra can join our annual Secret Santa tradition. Thank you for your kindness and generosity.

Thank you in advance
Human Resources”

Reading that, my face went completely red. I watched the jar fill up with “donations” throughout the day.

Now I feel embarrassed and pressured to take part in this tradition. I’m in such an awkward position.

What should I do?

Sandra W.

Thank you so much for your letter, Sandra. You described your experience with such honesty that it’s clear how uncomfortable and overwhelming this situation has been for you.

We’ve read your story carefully. Below, we’ve gathered several pieces of advice to guide you through this situation.

Flip the Narrative With Humor and Control.

If you want the embarrassment to stop haunting you, take control of the story instead of hiding from it. You could send a short, lighthearted message to the team saying something like: “Thanks for the generosity, but the jar seems to have a life of its own! I’ll be donating everything to the office charity drive instead.”

This reframes you not as someone in need, but as someone generous, witty, and in charge of the situation — and it subtly exposes HR’s misstep without direct confrontation.

Use the Email as Leverage for a Private Conversation.

Instead of confronting HR about “boundaries,” use the fact that they publicly framed you as financially struggling to request an official correction. You can say: “Since the email mentioned my financial difficulties, which I did not disclose, I need you to send a clarification that participation was my personal choice, not a hardship.”

This approach uses their exact wording as a professional obligation, and it forces them to undo the narrative without making you sound defensive.

Redirect the Jar Into a Team-Wide Positive Move.

If you truly don’t want Secret Santa, you can dismantle the pressure without refusing again. Suggest to the team that since the jar is full, it would be fun to buy a snack spread or small treat for everyone in the office.

This transforms your awkward jar into a communal gift instead of a pity pot. It also prevents HR from using the “team spirit” angle on you again — because you just created more team spirit than Secret Santa ever would.

Quietly Document the Incident in Case You Need Protection.

What HR did, publicly announcing fabricated financial difficulties, is not only humiliating but could be considered inappropriate workplace conduct. Without making a scene, save the email, take a photo of the jar on your desk, and keep a short written account of how it unfolded.

You don’t need to file anything now, but having documentation gives you protection if this HR rep repeats similar behavior or retaliates when you opt out of future “traditions.” It’s a practical, quiet safeguard tailored to exactly what happened to you.

Thankfully, kindness still shines in a world full of challenging and uncomfortable moments. It appears in quiet gestures from strangers and in the life-changing support of loved ones. To celebrate these moments of hope and humanity, here are 12 Stories That Show Kindness Is Quiet but Unbreakable.