Our reader grew up in her sister's shadow, but this year’s family holiday trip pushed her over the edge. Facing unfair treatment, she decided to skip the trip entirely. Now, her family calls her selfish, and she’s left wondering if she made the right call.
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𝐰𝐰𝐰.Richnow05
Hi Bright Side,
Every year, my parents organize a big family holiday trip. This year, they announced they wanted to rent a mountain cabin for a week over Christmas. They invited me (26F), my sister (28F), and her husband (30M) to join them. My boyfriend (29M) couldn’t make it due to his own family commitments, but I was excited to spend time with everyone and enjoy a cozy, snowy holiday.
But then, things took a familiar turn. My sister, let’s call her Claire, has always been the family’s favorite. Growing up, Claire could do no wrong. If she struggled in school, she was “creative.” If I got a B, I wasn’t “applying myself.”
Claire dropped out of her first two colleges before finally settling on a degree in art history, and my parents were endlessly supportive, covering her tuition and living expenses the entire time. I worked two part-time jobs to put myself through school and graduated without help.
Even now, Claire and her husband, Mark, live in a condo my parents helped them buy. They “loaned” Claire the down payment (which was never paid back) and regularly help with their bills. I, on the other hand, was charged rent as soon as I graduated, even when I was struggling to get my career off the ground.
When my parents brought up the cabin trip, they emphasized that it was a family getaway and how special it would be for all of us to spend the holidays together. They told me they’d already booked a room for Claire and Mark but said I needed to pay for my own stay since I “have a stable job now.”
When I asked why they were covering Claire and Mark’s costs but not mine, they brushed it off, saying it was because Claire and Mark were “trying to save for the future.” I pointed out that I’m saving too, and they just laughed and said I don’t have the same “pressures” since I’m not married yet. I was upset but didn’t want to cause a scene, so I agreed to book my own room.
A few weeks later, when I sent my parents the receipt for the cabin so we could coordinate the check-in, they asked why I’d reserved one of the smaller rooms instead of sharing the larger suite with Claire and Mark. I told them it didn’t make sense for me to share a room with a couple. My dad sighed and said, “It’s just a little cramped. Don’t be so difficult.”
At this point, I started to feel like an afterthought. Claire was given the prime accommodations without question, while I was made to feel like an inconvenience for simply needing my own space. Still, I tried to brush it off and told myself I’d just go and make the best of it.
But things escalated even more when my parents called to go over the itinerary. They casually mentioned that I’d be cooking Christmas dinner. I asked if they’d be helping, and they said, “Oh, Claire and Mark will be busy planning the holiday decorations—they have such great taste!” They even suggested I arrive a day early to “prep everything.” It was the final straw.
I decided not to go. I didn’t want to deal with another holiday, feeling like the family servant while Claire got praised for hanging garlands and sipping cocoa. But I didn’t tell them right away. I figured if they didn’t think I was worth accommodating, they didn’t deserve advance notice.
The day before the trip, my mom called, reminding me to pick up some groceries on my way to the cabin. That’s when I told them I wasn’t coming. I said, “It seems like you already have the perfect holiday planned with Claire and Mark. I don’t want to ruin it by being the ‘difficult one.’” Then I turned off my phone.
Now, they’re furious. My mom called me selfish for “abandoning the family” at Christmas, and Claire posted some passive-aggressive comment on social media about how “family means showing up no matter what.” A few friends have said I should’ve gone and stood up for myself instead of bailing, and now I’m second-guessing everything.
Was I wrong to skip the trip? Should I have handled it differently?
Sincerely,
Erin
I think you did the right thing. You have all the time ahead of you to let your parents know how downgraded you feel when they mistreat you.
You did the right thing!! I would have given anything to have seen your Mom's face when you bailed on the trip!!!!!!!!
You are not wrong for not going. They seem to be taking advantage of you a lot. You finally said "enough"!! I for one am proud of you.
Dear Erin,
First of all, your feelings are valid. It's evident from your letter that you've been carrying the emotional weight of being treated differently within your family for a long time. Navigating family dynamics can be incredibly tricky, especially when it feels like the scales are consistently tipped in favor of someone else. Let’s break this down to address both your feelings and actions.
It’s understandable that you reached a breaking point. From your perspective, the trip was less about celebrating the holidays as a family and more about reinforcing the same unequal treatment you've faced for years. The consistent favoritism toward Claire and Mark would make anyone feel undervalued and resentful, and choosing not to subject yourself to an environment that feels hurtful is a reasonable choice.
That said, the way you opted out could have been handled with more direct communication, which might have helped you avoid some of the fallout. While it’s frustrating to feel like you’re constantly fighting for fairness, setting boundaries early and clearly is crucial, especially when dealing with people who may not see the inequities the same way you do.
Skipping the trip was a strong message to your family that you’re no longer willing to play a role that makes you feel less-than. But what do you want to happen next? Do you want your family to recognize their behavior and make amends? Or are you ready to accept that this dynamic might not change and decide how much effort you want to put into maintaining the relationship?
If you want to address the inequities, consider having an honest, calm conversation with your parents when emotions have cooled. Instead of accusing them of favoritism, focus on how their actions have made you feel: “When I see Claire and Mark getting so much support while I’m expected to manage everything on my own, it makes me feel like I’m not valued as much in our family. I want to feel equally important, but sometimes it seems like my needs are dismissed.”
If you’ve already tried this in the past and nothing changed, you may need to accept that you can only control how you respond to the situation, not their behavior.
Your mom’s comment about “abandoning the family” and Claire’s passive-aggressive post are attempts to shift blame onto you for standing up for yourself. But boundaries aren’t abandonment—they’re a necessary part of maintaining healthy relationships. You’re not obligated to keep showing up for a family dynamic that consistently leaves you feeling disrespected.
Next time, if you choose not to attend a family gathering, consider giving them more advance notice. This isn’t about “giving in” but about maintaining your own integrity and avoiding unnecessary drama. For example, you might say: “I’ve decided not to come to the cabin this year. I want to spend the holidays in a way that feels joyful and relaxed, and I hope you understand.”
Lastly, don’t let anyone convince you that you’re overreacting. Families should operate on love, fairness, and mutual respect. You’ve worked hard to achieve what you have without the same support Claire received, and it’s okay to expect equal consideration.
If the favoritism continues despite your efforts to address it, you might consider limiting how much time and energy you invest in these family events. Instead, focus on building traditions and relationships with people who make you feel appreciated, whether that’s with your boyfriend, friends, or other loved ones.
You were not wrong to prioritize your emotional well-being over a situation that felt unfair and hurtful. However, for your own peace of mind, try to communicate more clearly in the future, both about your feelings and your boundaries. Whether your family chooses to change is out of your hands, but you have every right to demand respect and fairness.
Warm wishes,
Bright Side
One in 10 parents admits to having a favorite child—shocking, right? But here’s the twist: it’s perfectly fine to connect differently with each kid, as long as you handle it the right way.
