I Told My Mom She Can Move In Only If She Agrees to My Rules

Family dynamics can be tricky, especially when it feels like there’s an imbalance in how everyone is treated. One reader found himself reeling after learning his mother had raised him and his brother with completely different rules. Let’s take a deeper look at this emotionally charged family situation and explore how unfairness can impact relationships in unexpected ways.

He wrote in to tell us his story.

Hi Bright Side, I have a problem and I need advice. This situation has been eating at me, and I honestly don’t know if I’m being too harsh now or just finally standing up for myself.

I (30M) have a younger brother (25M). Our mom raised us on her own, and I’ve always appreciated that she did her best. Money was tight, and I get that.

When I turned 18 — literally right after high school graduation — she sat me down and said it was time for me to start paying rent. I had just started college and was working part-time, but I respected her house, her rules. It wasn’t easy.

I gave up a lot to make those payments. I skipped trips, didn’t go out much, and saved every penny just to keep up. I paid her rent every single month until I moved out at 23.

He found out he had been raised completely differently.

Fast-forward to now — my mom called me last week saying she was going through a rough time financially and is low on money. She asked if she could move in with me, “just for a while.” I still have a small apartment, but I told her yes, she could stay, no questions asked. I figured that was just the right thing to do.

A few days later, I was chatting with my younger brother and mentioned that it was going to be an adjustment having Mom living with me. I joked that at least now she wouldn’t be charging me rent like she did back then. He looked confused and asked, “Wait, Mom charged you rent?”

I laughed, thinking he was kidding. He wasn’t. He said she never asked him for a dime, even though he had a job by 18 and lived with her until he was 25. According to him, she told him he needed time to “find his way” and never brought up money once.

He felt betrayed and made a demand.

I was stunned. Like, genuinely floored. I thought she had treated us both the same. I didn’t even know how to respond.

Later that night, I called my mom and told her we needed to talk. I said she could still move in — I’m not going to leave her out in the cold — but I wanted her to agree to pay back the rent I gave her during those five years. Not all at once. Just a little at a time, like I did back then.

She got really quiet. Then she said I didn’t understand — that she only charged me because I was “more responsible” and she knew I could handle it. I told her that honestly just made it worse.

It felt like she punished me for being the kid who didn’t complain. She didn’t even try to explain it beyond that. Just said I was being cold now and that she “thought I was better than this.”

Now, he wants to know if he’s in the wrong.

Now, my brother says I’m being unfair and selfish. That I already said yes, and it’s cruel to add conditions now, especially when she’s struggling. He said I should just let it go and “be the bigger person.”

I don’t know. I want to help her. But I can’t lie — this opened a wound I didn’t know I had. She didn’t treat us the same.

And even now, she’s not apologizing or even acknowledging that what she did was wrong. So, am I wrong for changing my mind and asking my mom to pay me back before she moves in?

Here’s our advice to you:

Sorry to hear you’re facing this tough situation, but don’t lose hope — family tensions, while painful, can often be resolved with time and understanding. Here are some fresh tips that might help you navigate this complex issue:

• Have an open conversation with your mom: It’s important to express how this discovery made you feel, but try to approach the conversation without anger. This is about making her aware of the emotional weight you’ve carried all these years.
• Set clear boundaries moving forward: While you want to help your mom, it’s also essential to acknowledge your feelings of being treated unfairly. Be honest about what you need from this relationship to move forward without resentment.
• Don’t let guilt dictate your actions: Your brother’s perspective doesn’t make your feelings any less valid. While family is important, your well-being and sense of fairness should come first. It’s okay to stand up for yourself and demand the respect you deserve.

At the end of the day, family relationships require understanding, compassion, and honesty. While it’s tough to confront your mom about the way things were handled, it’s also necessary to stand up for yourself when the past feels unjust. Take time to process your feelings and decide what you truly need to feel at peace with the situation. Keep in mind that you can still be a good son while maintaining boundaries and advocating for yourself.

For more on setting boundaries and navigating family tensions, check out this story about one person who stood up to their parents’ financial demands.