I Told My Son His Girlfriend Can’t Live With Us If She Doesn’t Contribute, It Backfired on Me

Family & kids
2 weeks ago

When your adult child brings a partner home full-time, should you carry the whole burden as a mother, or is it fair to set limits? Our reader faced this dilemma, and her choice sparked conflict—and left her unsure if she went too far. She never expected the hidden truth that followed.

Dear Bright Side,

I really need some advice on my situation. It’s tough for me, and my head is spinning from thinking about it every single minute.

I’ve been raising my son alone since he was 5. He’s 22 now, and his girlfriend, Mia, started staying here full-time. At first, I tried to be fair. But bills were rising, and I felt like a hotel manager.

I told him, “If she’s going to live here, she needs to pay something.” He looked at me strangely. Then he quietly said, “No, Mom... Didn’t she tell you that she is pregnant? So, it’s you who needs to figure things out.”

Everything froze inside me. Mia had been hiding the pregnancy. I was furious and shocked at the same time. I told my son I couldn’t believe he didn’t say anything sooner and that it was unfair to put this all on me.

I asked him if he planned on helping with the financial burden, too, considering he was already an adult. He got defensive and said I was being unreasonable and that I should be supportive, as he needs to prepare for his new role.

I ended up giving them an ultimatum: either Mia contributes or she needs to move out. My son got upset and said I was making things harder for him, but I stuck to my decision. He asked for some time so they could decide what to do, and it feels like I’m a villain now. Should I have approached this more gently?

Irene W.

Nope. He's a big boy now and the baby is his responsibility not yours.

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Hello, Irene,

We believe that you don’t need to soften your decision—it was fair. You’re not wrong to ask for financial contribution when two extra adults are living under your roof. And pregnancy doesn’t make both of them incapable of earning money or contributing in some other way.

In our opinion, what you can do now is remove vagueness, set expectations, and make your son responsible for contributing or finding another living arrangement. And here are our suggestions.

Define what you can realistically afford.

  • List all your fixed costs, be it rent, utilities, groceries, transportation, medication, or any recurring expenses.
  • Identify what spending has increased because of them. How much more food is used weekly with two extra people? Notice if electricity/water bills are higher since they moved in. Do you have to buy other household items like cleaning supplies, and toiletries, more often?

Shift the full responsibility for contributing money to your son. He’s 22, not a child.

  • Decide what you will and won’t cover. You can state: “I can cover my original share, but the extra $160 must come from you.”
  • If they refuse, stress that you cannot fund a growing family on your own. They are 2 adults who are going to have a baby soon, and it’s their responsibility to make sure they’re financially safe, not yours.
  • If they stay temporarily, set a fixed period (for example, six months after the baby is born) with set terms: contribution, chores, and expected move-out date.

Discuss other ways Mia could contribute.

  • She can plan meals, cook, and manage shopping lists so you spend less time and money on takeout or poorly planned shopping.
  • She can also handle other routine errands like cleaning, organizing home supplies, paying bills, etc.

All in all, don’t let guilt override. Being “supportive” doesn’t mean carrying the full financial load. Instead, offer support in ways that don’t compromise your stability: occasional childcare help, advice, or anything you feel comfortable with.

Stories like Irene’s show how difficult it can be to set boundaries at home. And it’s not only parents and children who struggle with these issues—even celebrity marriages face similar debates. David Justice, an ex-husband of Halle Berry, recently spoke out about their split. He claimed Berry “never cooked or cleaned,” and his blunt take on why the marriage ended quickly went viral, leaving fans stunned.

Comments

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Oh no no no! Your son is a mooch and his girlfriend is as well.
You are not responsible for his poor life choices.
He's 22? He's a man not a child. He needs to go to work to support his girlfriend and their child. As for Mia, she's pregnant, not disabled. She needs to accept responsibility and pitch in.
Feel no guilt. It's outrageous that these two expect you to finance their folly.
If they don't agree to help you, tell them they have 30 days to move out.
Otherwise this will be your life from now on.

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You will become the live in baby sitter. They both should be contributing for all the bills and groceries.

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In today's economy, you really should continue as a 3generation household, but he should be the primary provider, at least for the first three years. He needs a job that can pay all your expenses by itd self, with social programs if necessary. Then, when full day preschool starts, girlfriend should go back to work at least part time, hopefully full. At that point, you can retire and contribute whatever childcare your comfortable with to facilitate girlfriends job (relying on outside childcare is basically consenting to abuse). Remember that at this point, the main priority is the child, whose needs should come before those of any direct ancestor.

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Unless Mia has some health condition that prevents her from having a job, there is NO REASON that she can't get a job too. Pregnant women work all the time, why can't she?

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