I Won’t Let My DIL Get Special Treatment Just Because She’s Pregnant

Family dynamics can be complex, especially during major life events like a first pregnancy. Today, we’re sharing a story from a woman who is navigating the delicate balance between helping her pregnant daughter-in-law and maintaining her own personal boundaries.

This is her letter.

“I (56F) have always tried to be fair in how I treat my family. My son and DIL are expecting a baby. I’m excited, but things have been tense lately. At first, my DIL asked me for small favors like bringing her snacks and helping with chores. But then I couldn’t believe it when she told me, ‘You should massage my feet as I’m carrying your grandchild. The Doctor told me that it would be good for me and the baby’.
I was stunned. I didn’t know what to say. I refused, and she looked so hurt, like I had just insulted her. But I was firm and said, ‘I’m happy to help in many ways, but I’m not your personal masseuse, I’m your mother-in-law.’

Now, my son is upset, and I feel like maybe I went too far. Am I wrong for refusing to treat my pregnant DIL like royalty just because she’s expecting?”

Thank you for trusting us with your story. It’s clear you love your family and want to do the right thing. Here is our advice for navigating this delicate situation.

Acknowledge her perspective while holding your boundary.

Your DIL is likely experiencing significant physical discomfort. Swollen feet and aching legs are common during pregnancy, and a foot massage can provide real relief. You can start a conversation by validating her feelings: “I know pregnancy is tough, and I’m sorry you’re so uncomfortable.” After that, you can gently restate your boundaries.

Offer alternative ways to show you care.

Instead of focusing on what you won’t do, pivot to what you are willing and excited to do. You could say, “How about I buy you a heated foot spa you can use whenever you like?” You could also offer to cook a week’s worth of meals, help set up the nursery, or run errands. This shows you’re still a loving and supportive MIL.

For more on this mother-in-law and daughter-in-law dynamics, check this article: My MIL Tried to Prove I’m "Faking My Pregnancy"—Her Method Left Me Speechless