Having grandchildren is an amazing experience. You love them with all your heart, and they can leave you with stories that only the wildest of imaginations can come up with. But things aren’t always simple. One of our readers reached out with the lesson she got from babysitting her grandkids.
It sounds by being so rigid the grandkids are the ones suffering!
I have two of my own, another on the way and I don’t live near any of them ( I am still working at a job I can’t relocate from)
What I would give to have your “issues.”
The kids are the ones who are going to suffer the fallout of all this.
Dear Bright Side,
I have two grandkids whom I adore, but I’m not as fit and active as I used to be. I’m 65 and retired, so I don’t have the endless amounts of energy that I used to have anymore. And because of that, it’s getting harder for me to keep up with them.
But I have been trying my best to babysit them whenever I got a chance because I do love spending time with them. Recently, though, that has changed. My son and DIL asked me if I would be willing to babysit them more often because the sitter they had pulled out.
I took a good while to think about it and told them I would agree on one condition: they had to respect the three rules I would be implementing. My son asked what the rules were and I told him.
Rule #1: No sugar in my house. If they want candy or soda, they get it from their parents, not me.
Rule #2: No sleepovers. I’m not a daycare or a hotel. I love them, but I also need my rest.
Rule #3: No surprise drop-offs. I need to know in advance when I’m babysitting.
My son agreed that these rules are fair and easy enough to work with so we decided that I would be looking after the children 3 time a week. But last week, my DIL broke rule #3. She showed up at my doorstep in the middle of the day with my grandkids, but I wasn’t home.
It was one of the days I had to myself, and I was out with a couple of friends. She called and demanded I come home immediately. She said she had a work emergency and that I needed to take the kids in for a few hours.
What would have been the point of it would take at least an hour for grandma to get home? Mom should have had backup plans for the days she knew grandma wasn't available.
It wasn't as if grandma went back on her promise. Her DIL and son (where was he?) have no grounds to be mad about thrm violating the rules.
Im out. Remember rule 3.
What do you mean by that? It sounds like you think you should be able to drop kids off any time.
She absolutely do not need to be more flexible. This is her retired life she dont need to operate like a parent as a grandparents. DIL needs to figure it out like our parents did. DIL should not have been demanding anything. She was out and not entitled to run home even if she was 15 min away. I wonder if they are paying anything, which also makes a difference. If not be grateful for the 3 days of loving free babysitting services.
Had to read one comment twice before I responded. She said the DIL called and DEMANDED that she come back immediately. Demanding and frantically asking someone to do you a favor are two different things.
She could have called the mother-in-law and said something like, "Mom I hate to ask you to do this, but I'm in a real bind at work. My boss is demanding that I come in. I know you may be out doing something, but is there any way possible that you could come back and help me so I don't get in trouble at work?"
I think it's a double whammy that the son and daughter-in-law are now punishing the grandmother. I think she needs to take herself off of babysitting duty. Her son and his wife need to learn the difference between her doing them a favor by saving them babysitting cost and her somehow owing it to them. She raised her children. She's not legally or morally obligated to help them raise theirs..
Even if she did rush back, she would have been an hour or more out. DIL would still have been late. Also a work "emergency"? Is she a doctor or a nurse? No? Then her off time is off. She needs to not answer work calls on her off day and if it is not a normally scheduled day, she should not get a written warning. They need to thank her for coming in at all! Not the grandma's fault and not the mom's fault for work's lack of planning.
Needs to be a little more flexible, maybe. But it's not like she was sitting at home refusing to watch the kids. She made plans with her friends over an hours away, she's allowed to make plans on her day off. DIL had no business demanding anything. If son and DIL are going to have a 65 yr old babysitter, then they should have an emergency back up plan. What are they going to do if grandma falls and breaks a hip or has a heart attack or stroke and has to be hospitalized.
You are 100% right.
She doesn’t need to be a little more flexible that’s a boundary she set. And them are their children if they can’t afford back up that’s their problem
I asked her what happened to her usual sitter, and she said she was supposed to have the day off so she didn’t arrange one. I felt for her, I really did, but I had my rules for a reason, it would’ve taken me over an hour to get home. She pleased, but I refused and told her to make another plan.
Later that night, I got a call from my son. He said his wife had gotten a written warning for not being at work during an emergency because she had to take care of the kids. I apologized but reminded him that I needed time for myself too. My life does not revolve around his kids.
I haven’t heard from or seen them since, and now I’m wondering if I might’ve been wrong. So Bright Side, was it wrong for me to stand my ground with my rules? Or should I have just taken the kids in?
Regards,
Lisa R.
Thank you for reaching out to us, Lisa. We understand how difficult this situation must be so we’ve put together a few tips that might be helpful.
You are not wrong. I have 9 children and 9 grandchildren. Remember the rules are the rules. I know that you miss them, but they have to know to respect you when you take care of the kids.
You were absolutely right to set boundaries, especially at your age when energy and health matter more than ever. But to keep peace with your son and DIL, it may help to add a “one-off emergency exception” rule. That way, they know they can rely on you only in truly urgent situations, while still respecting your need for rest and personal time.
I don’t know, I don’t understand the kids not being able to spend the night and also I’m super stoked about being a grandma. Those are memories you could be giving the grandkids. I didn’t have much help when I was raising my kids so I’d want to do things differently with my grandchildren. And I feel like family comes first . Maybe a neighbor could have watched the kids for an hour till grandma got back.
Instead of only discussing boundaries when something goes wrong, set aside time to talk with your son and DIL about what you realistically can and can’t do. Explain that babysitting is a joy for you, not an obligation, and that overstepping your limits risks damaging the relationship. When they see you’re protecting your health, not rejecting your grandkids, it’s easier for them to respect your rules.
It sounds like DIL may have more of an employer problem, then a babysitter problem. OP didnt say what DIL is, but if she felt she didnt need to arrange for emergency babysitter, just in case, then she likely isnt expected to be on call. If this is the case, DIL need to work out the issue with employer...maybe find another job.
That said, it's beyond thd pale for DIL to call MIL and demand her to drop everything without notice. Nevermind how unreasonable it was to expect this when MIL is already an hour away.
I think DIL didnt know how to handle her employer in this situation, and just redirecting her anger onto MIL. Unless DIL knew that being called in was part of her job and made disrespectful assumptions about MIL being weak willed even yo put herself out, despite the 3 restrictions negotiated in the first place.
If you can, help them brainstorm backup options, like recommending another sitter, looking into a local babysitting network, or even swapping favors with another parent they trust. This shows that you care about their struggles but also value your own independence. It softens the “no” and makes you a supportive ally instead of someone they feel is just pushing back.
Lisa has found herself in a tough situation, but it’s not something that she can’t solve. A bit of understanding can go a very long way in a case like this. But she isn’t the only one with family struggles.
Another one of our readers reached out to share the story of her DIL. Read it here: I Refuse to Babysit My Grandkids—I’m a Grandma, Not a Walking Daycare.
This would not have happened in Canada, we have rights & having to stay home because of you kids is not a big deal. having rights matters, it also makes ppl more tolerant
OP is NTA. & DiL needs to get a better job
I watched mtly grandchildren fir years every week.on my days off, so I was working on babysitting literally 7 days a week. Thinking back some rules might have benefitted me, but I do cherish the time spent with grandchildren
Your DIL should have called first before arriving at your doorstep. Most probably after listening to her you would change your plans to help her out
I would not change the rules as I feel from DIL actions she thinks it's her right to storm into your house at any time
You're retired for a reason. Babysitting should be a joy but not an obligation
I think you should have told your DIL tat you'd be there as soon as you could and excused yourself from your visit with your friend. Your DIL didn't make a habit of doing that. Family comes first and I don't really think you want your grands remembering you as the reason their mom was written up or lost her job (possibly). I'm 73 and still work part time. We have 19 grandchildren, 4 live in the house next door. My husband & I love seeing our grands every day, they take turns spending the night, when needed we help with driving them to practices etc. They pop over for snuggles or treats. We bake, It's one of our greatest joys to spend time with them. It's also time they will remember & cherish when we're no longer on this earth.
