My Fiancée Is Obsessed With What I Eat—So I Gave Her Something to Think About

Relationships can be quite the maze sometimes, especially when one of the people involved tends to have unreasonable demands. One Bright Side reader wrote to us with his dilemma, writing to us about his fiancée, who is great, but has a very strange habit.

Here’s Jamie’s letter to us.

My fiancée has a bizarre quirk. She insists we order the same dish when we dine out. It’s mostly her choice, and I’m bored with it. She likes bland food, and I love experimenting. I tried to tell her that it was a weird habit, and we should try new dishes. She kept saying it made her feel “less than” if we ordered different things. I don’t know where this comes from because at home, it’s fine if we cook different stuff and eat it. It’s only when we are out that a switch flips. We argued, and she cried, so I backed off, thinking I’d tackle it another day.

The next time we went out, I suggested we order a couple of different things and share the food. But no, she was in the mood for pasta, and I had to go for the same to avoid a scene. But I couldn’t let it go. We had a massive fight about this, again.

She agreed to let me select the next meal. When we next went out to dine, I decided to go for hot wings, and she went for the same. I warned her it would be spicy, but she assured me she would handle it.

Here’s what happened next...

Of course, she picked at her food. I told her to leave it, and order something else, but she said she was fine. She kept drinking water, and even the servers at the restaurant came to us and offered to get her something else, but she refused. I gave up on my food too; we paid the bill and left. She seemed okay on our way back.

When we got home, she started crying, saying that I was being mean and vengeful, ordering something that I knew she couldn’t eat. I lost it this time, telling her in no uncertain terms that I never asked her to eat what I was having and that this was the last time I went out with her. Since then, she’s been giving me tearful looks and even roped in a few of our mutual friends to “talk some sense” into me.

I am so fed up, that I feel like breaking off our engagement, given we have no firm marriage plans yet. She’s otherwise a sweet girl, but I just don’t understand what happens to her when we go out to eat food. Any advice on how to handle this? I am at my wit’s end.

Please help!

Jamie

Dear Jamie, thanks for writing to us and sharing your problem. Firstly, we’d like to tell you that what you feel is important, and it should never be sidelined or silenced in the name of getting along. Since you mention that your fiancée is otherwise a sweet person, and the only problem you have is how she behaves about ordering food at restaurants, here’s what we think you can do, from small steps to big ones.

Whether you want to continue the relationship or not lies up to you, of course, but in case you want to stay with her, you could give these tips a try.

1. Have an open and honest conversation.

There has to be a reason why she always orders the same food as you. While this could be a sign of trust, or even respect (sticking to the same dish means you cannot order something pricier), it could be a deeper issue.

Maybe there’s something in her past that makes her hesitate to order for herself or has issues with food. A calm conversation is needed, with you making it very plain that you’d like to explore new foods and ordering different dishes has nothing to do with your relationship or how you feel about each other. If she is amenable to listening to you, this is what you can try further.

2. Rope in friends and family if need be.

Try talking to her family to see if they have a solution, or even a reason behind her behavior. Does she do this every time she goes out, or is it specific to you two only?

Ask a friend, a sibling, or even a parent to intervene if need be, particularly if she’s close to someone. Perhaps you have a far more adventurous palate, and she feels “less educated” about ordering food. Assure her that you’d be happy to help her out, and that not knowing too much about various cuisines does not make her “less than” anyone.

3. Try ordering a bunch of small plates to begin with.

If she admits to a problem and needs help to break out of this habit, the next time you go out, order a selection of small appetizers to share with each other. Skip the mains entirely, and this way, she can gently be weaned off this habit of hers.

Another idea is to go for a buffet and this way, you can each have a little of everything, expanding her food repertoire, and still eating off the same table.

4. If all else fails, try couples therapy.

If no talks, interventions, or ideas seem to be working out for you, then it may be time to consult a therapist. A licensed therapist may be able to get to the root of the matter much quicker than you and find a solution as well.

We hope it works out for you and your fiancée. Sometimes, relationships do take a strange twist, just like this woman who went for a dream vacation with her husband, only to discovered a shocker.