My Husband Is Arguing That I Spoil Our 2-Month-Old Baby

New parents often feel nervous and overwhelmed in the first few months with a newborn. While some instincts come naturally, and some parents are more informed, things can get complicated when others start offering unsolicited advice. One mom turned to Reddit for help after her husband accused her of spoiling their 2-month-old. Check out her story.

A new mom sought help on Reddit about a disagreement she had with her husband.

“We have a 2-month-old son who has been fairly colicky. He cries a lot, but I know it’s because he is uncomfortable and his little tummy hurts. When my son cries, I naturally react. I often pick him up to be held upright because that seems to be the most comfortable position for him.

And frankly, I hate seeing him cry. In the evenings, I love to sit in the rocking chair with my son and get those baby cuddles, which my husband thinks is why he cries, because I hold him too much.”

“My husband thinks that he needs to ‘cry it out’ to get tired enough to go to sleep. At least that’s what his mother tells him, ‘You never really cried, but when you did, I just let you cry it out.’ My husband uses the excuse of ‘crying won’t hurt him’ but I just don’t agree. But I don’t know how to explain at the moment why I don’t agree. I can’t find my words...

I try to say ‘That’s an old way of thinking,’ ‘You can’t hold a baby too much,’ and ‘Babies aren’t manipulative and can’t be spoiled,’ he just doesn’t agree. How can I explain to my husband that his boomer parents are wrong in their ‘cry it out’ advice that he wants to follow? And how do I explain that you can’t spoil a baby??”

Some people shared similar experiences or offered their thoughts to the woman.

• “I learned from dog training that you can train a behavior, but not an emotional response. I.e. dogs can ’manipulate’ you to get a reward, but petting and reassuring them when they’re anxious does not reinforce the anxiety.
  At a certain level of intelligence (like kids, not infants), animals may even fake emotional signs like crying to get a response from you, but giving them attention reinforces the fake behavior, NOT the emotion. Sadly, some people STILL believe that giving a baby or pet affection will reinforce their anxiety, sadness or pain. (Letting a baby self-soothe is a different topic.)” lunarjazzpanda / Reddit

• "Adults like to be hugged when they’re crying, too. Picking up and soothing a crying baby lowers their cortisol (the stress hormone) levels, strengthens the bond between baby and parent, shows them you care… Holding your baby teaches them that you’re there for them.
  If the baby is ignored, of course, it will eventually stop crying. This is because it has then learned that its needs will not be met, despite trying (and exhausting) the ONLY communication tool it has. Physical touch is so important to all humans. Why would he withhold that from his own child?" YourHuckleberree / Reddit

• "You CANNOT spoil a baby, and they don't have the awareness to manipulate you. That is one of the most outdated mindsets. They're little creatures, that until recently, didn't even know what a need was. The world is new, scary, and overstimulating.
  Parents are their safe space that helps them cope with all of these new feelings and sensations. Answer your baby's call (cry). They won't be spoiled, but instead will know that you're always there. They will feel more confident exploring the world and trying new things if they know you'll meet their needs and comfort them as needed." purrrpleflowers / Reddit

• "I second all of this and wanted to add that anecdotally, we held our almost 2yo a ton in her first 5–6 months of life. We never let her cry alone for more than 5–10 minutes (the time it would take to make a bottle). Now, when she wakes up, she calmly plays in her bed until we get her in the morning and after naps.
  She doesn’t have separation anxiety and overall she seems to trust that we’re going to meet her needs. I can’t take all the credit for this, of course, I’m sure some of it is her temperament. But I like to believe that meeting her needs as an infant has helped her be the happy, confident toddler she is today." emeee35 / Reddit

• “Ignore his parents. Their opinion doesn’t count. As to your husband, there are lots of reputable articles out there showing that forms of CIO aren’t recommended to be used before like 6 months of age. 2 months is way too young for any form of CIO. Bring him along to a pediatrician visit if you need to.” beginswithanx / Reddit

• "I’m not saying this will win you any relationship awards. But when my husband tried things like that very early on in our parenting journey, I said, 'I’m going to do this my way. I carried her. I gave birth to her.
  I’m nursing her. I’m the one doing the mothering of her. I’m not interested in motherhood by committee.
  Your mother raised her kids already. You’ve raised none. You get to be the Dad you want to be. You do NOT get to tell me what kind of mother I will be.'" Todd_and_Margo / Reddit

• "Ignoring a crying baby until they learn to stop, literally, can lead to PERMANENT developmental delays. I know a sweet young girl this happened to. Luckily she was adopted by a wonderful family at 6 months old, but because she was ignored, her growth was stunted, and she was developed mentally more like a 3-month-old.
  She didn’t cry, she also didn’t coo or react in any way to people interacting with her. She would just stare. It was so sad. Not only can you not spoil a baby - but you can actually harm them by crying it out. Especially when really young!" ArtPsychological3299 / Reddit

• "His mother is not the mother of your child. My boyfriend said that to my mum. He told her, 'He is not your baby, he is your daughter’s baby, and she will do what she wants.' It was about putting my son in socks constantly.
  She thinks he always needs socks, and recently decided he also needs to wear shoes all the time. He doesn’t walk. I put shoes on briefly when we are outside to protect his little feet from getting hurt. She wants him in shoes in the house.
  Not responding to a baby’s needs teaches them that you are not reliable. So when they are in pain or sad, and you don't respond, they may not even cry. And crying is their way of telling you something is wrong. And when they learn you are not reliable, you won’t be able to comfort them. You do what’s best for you and your baby and ignore anyone who has different views." Fearless_Criticism17 / Reddit

• "To top all the other comments off, take another side into account. It causes huge stress in the mother's body if she hears her baby cry. So not only is it harmful to them, it is harmful to you too." booklava / Reddit

When a newborn is extremely small, parents often worry about their well-being and attempt to determine their needs. However, how can one comprehend a newborn who is nonverbal? Three easy strategies to help babies talk to adults are recommended by experts, and we have them all covered in this article.