Psychologists and Divorce Lawyers Recommend Asking 10 Special Questions on a First Date
Divorce lawyers and family psychologists are the best people to help you recognize the red flags of coupledom. Due to their experience, they can immediately detect which personality features will cause minor upsets, and which ones will become a huge problem in future and may lead to break-ups. So, they’re really good advisors when it comes to first dates.
Bright Side researched experts’ advice regarding first dates and put together the 10 main important questions which will help you to see the person from the inside out, simple and easy.
1. Are you married?
Some people will think that it’s a weird question, and some are just too shy to ask it. However, it’s a very important question which needs a clear answer. Divorce attorney Randall M. Kessler explains that “we’re going to break up,” “everything’s complicated,” “we’re separated,” and “we’re going to get divorced soon” is not the same as “I’m free.” Make sure that the person you want to be in a relationship with is also ready for a serious relationship with you.
2. Do you make your bed in the morning?
Danielle Kepler, a family psychologist, believes that this simple question reveals a person’s priorities: what is more important — cleanness and tidiness or time, do they prefer a slow-paced life or want to live fast? This question also provides opportunity to continue the conversation and find out whether your date is a late or early bird, and what they like to do in the morning.
3. Do you read reviews or rely on your intuition?
This question can easily reveal whether you are different than your date or similar, meaning whether your date is a sensing or intuitive type and whether that aligns with who you are. Some people can’t buy a toothbrush without reading hundreds of reviews, while others can go on vacation and book a hotel without looking at a single review. If you belong to different types and your date’s behavior irritates you, it’s definitely reasonable to think over whether you’d be capable of living together.
4. Which feature irritates you the most?
When on a first date, people try to show themselves in the best light possible. But there could be personal traits under the surface which could lead to unforgiving conflict. Psychologist Ryan Howes explains, “If your partner likes tidiness, and you are messy, then you two have a big problem.” And it can relate to anything, e.g. you love silence and your date prefers noisy parties. It’s better to figure these things out in advance.
5. How often do you communicate with your parents and relatives?
The frequency of communication with parents and a person’s depedence on their opinion can play a decisive role in a couple’s relationship. Divorce lawyer Carla Donnelly confirms that there are actually married people who still prioritize the needs of their parents and relatives above the interests of their spouse. On the other hand, bad relationships with parents could be a sign of an unstable mental state. These people can be incapable of being in a relationship for a long time and may not know how to compromise.
6. What’s your opinion on abortion?
Yes, you read it correctly. And, truly, you could ask any other difficult question. Psychologist Dan Ariely described his experiment where a group of young people dating online was allowed to ask their date only awkward questions which had nothing to do with weather, work, or other banal stuff. As a result, it helped people to relax, actually share their hidden thoughts, and experience a great range of emotions which made their communication much brighter. At the same time, the person who asked the question was able show themself as a good listener.
7. Tell me about your worst date.
It’s worth asking this question if you feel that your current date is a success. Psychologist Spencer Scott explains that it can be a test for how much your date is at ease with you and ready to tell you something personal. On the other hand, this is a good way to figure out whether this date is really different from the one your date considers nightmarish.
8. How did your last relationships end?
Carla Donnelly recommends finding out the reasons for divorce or break-up in your date’s last relationships. It will help you understand whether a person is capable of reflecting on a situation, drawing the right conclusions, or if they are more inclined to blame others and can’t own their mistakes. It indicates the personality growth in this person.
9. If you won $20 million what would you do with the money?
Family psychologist Jeannie Ingram believes that this question can reveal the value system of a person and help you define whether they are egocentric or generous and caretaking. It can also define whether this person is good with their finances, whether the two of you could possibly have a common budget, whether you could collectively save money for something big like a house or a car, or if your date is just a big spender.
10. How would you like to be remembered, when you are old and think about how your life has passed?
Conversation on this subject feels like entertainment, like a challenge to talk about your fantasy. Still, it helps to reveal a person’s real life priorities. When we talk about what we do now (like “It’s my last year at school” or “I work as a secretary”) it doesn’t explain what we are interested in or what we dream of. Aaron Anderson, a family psychologist from Denver, says that this question helps you see deeper into your date’s mind without questioning them.
Which questions do you find important to ask on a first date so that you get to know a person better?
Illustrator Daniil Shubin for BrightSide.me