I Fired the Nanny Because She Put My Grandson at Risk—But My DIL Refuses to Listen to Me

Many parents work long hours to provide for their children, leaving them in the care of a nanny. Here, a concerned grandmother found her grandson at risk, and fired the nanny, only to get embroiled in a family conflict.

Dear Bright Side,

I’m a retired teacher and a widow. I have a son, who is married, and from them, I have a grandson, whom I absolutely adore.

My DIL hired a nanny to help with my grandkid while she and my son worked long hours. They claimed, “She’s the perfect nanny ever.” But I soon noticed that something was off. I often visited and had a key to their home, given to me by my son.

Usually, I called and informed them whenever I was planning to come over. One day, I decided to do a surprise check. I walked in to find my 2-year-old grandson playing, alone, near the top of the stairs. My blood boiled when I found the nanny, who they liked so much, fast asleep on the couch, with the TV blaring loudly.

I shook her awake, and she was not even apologetic, claiming my grandson was way too energetic and drained her out, and she’d just fallen asleep a few minutes ago. I did not believe her; she even had sleep creases on her face.

Meanwhile, my grandson was roaming around with a full diaper and a messy face. I fired her on the spot, and she left in a huff.

In the evening, when my son and DIL came home, they were fuming. My DIL accused me of interfering in her household and told me that I had no right to fire someone they had hired. They even demanded the house key back and told me I wasn’t welcome to come over without informing them beforehand.

To top it, they also hired the same nanny back, refusing to listen to my explanation. I went home, my heart heavy.

It’s been a week, and I haven’t reached out to them, but neither have they. I just don’t know what I did wrong, and how do I fix it? I miss my grandson. Can you please advise me what to do now?

Thank you!
Anne Wentworth

Dear Anne, we are so sorry you’re going through this. The love and care you have for your grandson and your family ooze through this letter. That being said, this is a somewhat delicate situation, and boundaries have been crossed. Here’s what you can do to resolve the situation and most importantly, keep your grandson safe.

1. Your concern was valid, but boundaries were crossed.

We can see you acted out of genuine concern. Leaving a toddler unsupervised near the stairs constitutes a major safety hazard. The fact that you found the nanny asleep while her charge was roaming around, alone, in a shabby state shows that she wasn’t up to taking care of him responsibly.

However, if you look at the flip side; firing the nanny was a clear violation of your son and DIL’s parental rights. They hired the nanny, you fired her so while your reasons were right, the action wasn’t yours to take.

2. Their reaction stemmed from the boundary violation.

First up, they gave you the key in good faith and expected you to inform them about a visit. Your surprise visit could have felt invasive to them, as if you were checking up on them rather than the nanny. Since they vouched for the nanny, it could be that your discovery not only embarrassed them, but also undermined their authority as parents.

When you fired the nanny, it could have felt like a loss of control, so they pushed back. Finally, the stress of working long hours and leaving their toddler to a nanny could already be taking on them, and your criticism might have been triggering for them.

3. Mend the break instead of waiting.

Waiting for them to call might just prolong the situation, so be the adult and make the first move. This will show them that you prioritize the relationship, not emphasize how you were right. If a verbal conversation seems too much for you to handle, perhaps you can send them a message, beginning with you expressing your love for them.

Clarify that it was not your intent to overstep any boundaries, but you acted out of fear of your grandson’s safety. Tell them you respect their decisions, so if they want to stick with the same nanny, it is of course up to them. End the message with more love, inviting an open conversation, and adding in how much you miss them.

4. Have a calm, open discussion about it all.

When they respond, try and keep the conversation limited to how to move forward, rather than trying to prove that you were right. You know you were right, but the idea is to reestablish contact with your family, not to prolong the argument.

Since they re-hired the nanny, suggest mutually installing cameras or safety monitors to check on your grandson’s safety. Offer to be their emergency backup, but make sure they know that you will no longer be taking any decisions on their behalf.

5. Respect their boundaries.

It may be a bitter pill to swallow, but remember that your entry into their home is not a given, and you do need to respect whatever new boundaries they set, be it limited contact or prior information before you drop in.

Any such decision is not about diminishing love or respect; it’s more a natural adjustment for conflict to end and families to move forward.

Family conflict is a tough spot to be in, but with time and patience, it can be resolved, but only if both parties are willing. Read more about how a mother shamed her daughter’s parenting skills in public, leading to a rift between them.