I Offered to Pay My MIL’s Rent—But It Led to a Huge Conflict

Every family faces challenges; some are minor misunderstandings, while others test the very core of trust. That’s exactly what happened to one of our readers, Kate, whose husband and mother-in-law made a move behind her back.

MIL’s demand and sudden move

Dear Bright Side,

I wanted to share my story and ask for advice. Maybe you can suggest something to make our situation better.

My husband and I have always done well financially. We’re not billionaires, but we live comfortably. We work hard, pay our bills, enjoy the occasional vacation, and never really worry about money. So, when my mother-in-law asked us for help with her rent, I didn’t hesitate to offer half of it.

I thought it was a fair compromise. But instead of being grateful, she looked me straight in the eyes and said, “You’re rich, but you won’t pay my rent, you’re selfish!” Her reaction shocked me, but I tried to shake it off.

But it was just the beginning, as the next day I found out that my husband had been letting his mother stay at our place behind my back without even asking me.

We had a big fight. I asked why he didn’t tell me his plan, and why I had to find out this way.

In his response, he just said that he thought I would be against it, so he just handled it. He said it’s only temporary, but didn’t explain how long she will stay with us.

Right now, I’m still unsure how to move forward. I feel betrayed and stuck in a situation that is not good for any of us. I have never been close to my mother-in-law, and now I have to live with her. Meanwhile, my husband is accusing me of not being supportive enough.

Am I selfish? Should I have done more to support my MIL?

Kate

Thank you, Kate, for your letter. Let’s see what your best options are to handle this situation.

Make a plan

First of all, we can all agree that you’re not selfish, as you have offered financial help to your mother-in-law, even though she thought it wasn’t enough. What’s more, your husband made a major decision without consulting you, which is a breach of trust. Even if he thought you’d say no, avoiding a conversation doesn’t justify hiding the truth.

Before anything else can improve, that communication gap needs to be addressed. You also have to clarify the situation:

• How long is “temporary” exactly?
• What’s the plan for your MIL — is she saving money, looking for work, or expecting indefinite support?
• How will household responsibilities be shared while she’s living with you?

Once you have clarified all these questions, you can try to move on and live peacefully together.

Living together

There are some tips on how you can make your cohabitation a bit more comfortable and how you can avoid everyday conflicts with your MIL.

• Set boundaries: Ask her not to interfere with your lives, especially when you and your husband are arguing about something. Lay down the main rules, so everyone can have their own private space.
• Clarify her contribution: She might be in a bad financial place, but you can still ask your MIL to make some contributions, like helping out with household chores.
• Spend time away from the house: Make plans with your husband to get away from your MIL and to spend some time as a couple.
• Try to get to know your MIL: Maybe you didn’t plan this way, but this is a great occasion to spend more time with your mother-in-law, and get closer to her. Who knows, your relationship might get better after spending more time together.

Dealing with your daughter-in-law is often not easy either, as you can read in our next article: My DIL Excluded Me From Her “Family” Dinner—So I Served a Payback She Won’t Forget.