Navigating blended families isn’t always easy, and Carla is experiencing these challenges firsthand. She finds herself expected to care for her husband’s 3 kids for long hours each day while his ex-wife works extensively. Dissatisfied with this arrangement, Carla reached out to us for advice.
You are nothing more than a free babysitter, housekeeper, cook and bed warmer.
Get a job and get a divorce. You will always come second to your husband.
Who knows what he does when you have the kids and he's not there even though he's not at work. He might slip into his ex's house and have a "cuddle time"...
Red flags are flying high….
Hi Carla! This is a delicate situation. We’ve prepared four distinct pieces of advice to consider.
She married into a family that was already into existence before she married in so he's a package deal. On top of that the kids aren't even adults yet and are in need of care while their parents work and guess what she's their stepmom now and is the only one that is not working so that makes her the designated one to take care of the kids while they're working. What did she think that him having to raise and take care of the kids is over now that she's married to him? No, it's only just begun. Him putting her stuff in boxes is letting her know that he's taking care of her too along with his kids and because she's a part of his family now she also has to take care of the kids too because she married into a package deal. If she didn't want that then she shouldn't have married a man with small kids because he's putting his kids first their safety and well being so she's just selfish or jealous maybe both. She's there at home all day which is their home too and she has to contribute in some kind of way and right now that would be taking care of the kids because that is what that whole family needs right now.
Arrange a calm, private discussion with your husband to express your feelings and concerns. Emphasize that your request for payment was out of frustration and not a reflection of your feelings towards his children. Explain the physical and emotional toll of unexpectedly caring for three kids and suggest finding a balance or compromise, such as shared responsibilities or scheduled help.
Instead of demanding payment, propose a more structured childcare arrangement to your husband and his ex-wife. This could include setting specific times when you are responsible for the kids, and ensuring your husband is more involved during his off-hours. Additionally, discuss hiring a part-time nanny or enrolling the kids in after-school programs to alleviate some of the pressure on you.
Suggest attending family counseling together. A therapist can mediate the conversation and help all parties understand each other’s perspectives. This can foster better communication and empathy among you, your husband, and his ex-wife, and provide strategies for managing blended family dynamics more effectively.
Take time for self-care and establish clear personal boundaries. Discuss with your husband the importance of having personal time and space. This could involve scheduling regular breaks or activities that you enjoy, ensuring you have time to recharge. Encourage your husband to also step up in his parental role when he’s home, so you don’t feel overwhelmed and solely responsible for the kids.
Speaking of blended families, Kirsten also struggles with her ex-husband’s wife. When Kirsten requested that she not attend her son’s graduation, it sparked a shocking series of events that left this mother devastated. Read her story here.
