We all want to believe our family has our best interests at heart. That’s why helping them out, especially in tough times, usually feels like the right thing to do. But what happens when kindness turns into a pattern of being taken advantage of? One of our readers, Sarah (F, 34), reached out with a story that left her torn, and she wanted to know if she was wrong.
Dear Bright Side,
Every family has its traditions. For mine, it was the annual summer trip. But behind the laughter and group photos, there was one detail no one ever talked about: I always paid more than my siblings, who came with their spouses and kids in tow.
This year, when the plans came up again, my mom called me. She explained that my sister, who’s a single mom, had just bought a new car, and finances were tight. Then, almost as if it were nothing, she added that I should just pay for my sister and her three kids to come on this trip. There was no apology, no hesitation, just the quiet assumption that, once again, I’d cover everything.
But I was tired. For too long, my “being single” and “earning more” had been their excuse to lean on me. So, for the first time, I told my mother: I wouldn’t be going, and they shouldn’t expect a single penny from me.
I guess my mum told my sister this because she called me later and said,
“Even if you don’t come... can you still pay for the vacation, at least for my kids?”
She called me selfish, insisting everything was already booked and I should’ve warned her sooner rather than disappointing my nieces and nephews. My mother piled on, accusing me of caring more about money than family. According to her, I was failing as both an aunt and a sister.
But the worst came the next day. My niece, whom I adore, called in tears. She told me I was ruining the vacation, that I had always helped before, and asked why I was suddenly refusing now. Hearing her cry broke my heart.
And yet, I couldn’t ignore the truth. For years, I’ve paid without thanks, without repayment, and without anyone ever considering how unfair it was. This time, I stood my ground.
Now, my family isn’t speaking to me. The guilt is eating me alive, and a small part of me wants to give in just to keep the peace. But another part whispers: maybe, for once, I need to stop letting love be measured by how much I’m willing to pay.
Guilty and angry,
Sarah
Dear Sarah, thank you for opening up and trusting us with your story. We truly admire the courage it took to finally stand up for yourself. We know this isn’t an easy situation, but here’s how you can handle it with confidence. We’ve outlined 5 simple steps you can use anytime someone asks you for money.
Do not give in. Remind your sister that she had a choice and chose a new car. Tell her kids that you love them but, just can't afford it, no matter what mommy says. Tell your family that you will no longer pay for anything/body but yourself. And don't. Make a will and if you don't have kids put everything in a trust for the kids and have the bank or lawyer be the trustee. Your mom and sister will spend all of it.
Instead of feeling upset when your family turns to you for help, try to thank them for trusting you. Appreciate the bond you share and the fact that they feel close enough to rely on you in difficult times. Of course, appreciating this connection doesn’t mean you’re obligated to say yes every time.
Experts often suggest treating money given to family as a gift rather than a loan. Expecting repayment can strain relationships, so it’s better to assume you won’t get it back. With that in mind, ask yourself: can you genuinely afford to part with this money, or would it take away from your own needs and savings? Your answer will guide the best decision.
Entitlement at its best...Just unbelievable
Choosing not to fund your sister and her kids doesn’t mean you can’t acknowledge their situation. It’s not easy being a single mom and she may be genuinely struggling to make ends meet.
Show them compassion, but also be honest about your own financial and emotional limits. By sharing your perspective openly, you give them the chance to understand your side as well, and hopefully extend the same empathy back to you.
If you’ve been covering the costs of family trips for years, it’s understandable that they might assume you’ll do the same again. But if this is the first time you’re setting a boundary, don’t be afraid to make it clear. Sit down with them, state your “no” directly, and keep your explanation short, just enough to show why you’re changing the pattern without overjustifying.
Most importantly, don’t let guilt drive your decision. At the end of the day, you are not responsible for funding anyone else’s vacation or their lifestyle. Your money belongs to you, and you have every right to choose how it’s spent.
After you’ve firmly said no to providing money, whether as a gift or a loan, consider offering alternative ways to help. Maybe you can use frequent flyer miles to reduce their airfare or some hotel vouchers to cover a night’s stay. Think creatively. This shows that while you can’t support them financially, you’re still willing to help in other meaningful ways.
Your family might come back to you for financial help, especially if they haven’t found other solutions as the trip approaches. Stay firm and remind them that you’ve changed your rules regarding money or assistance. There’s no need to justify yourself; a simple “no, I’m sorry” is enough.
Over time, they will stop expecting money from you, as long as you remain consistent in your boundaries.
These straightforward principles can help manage expectations and avoid giving money unnecessarily, not just now, but in any situation. If you’d like more tips on managing and saving money, check out this article.
