I Refuse to Cash Out My Retirement to Pay for My Daughter’s Fertility Treatments

2 weeks ago

I Refuse to Cash Out My Retirement to Pay for My Daughter’s Fertility Treatments

Family money conflicts test even the strongest bonds. When adult children face fertility struggles, parents often feel torn between helping and protecting their own future. One father’s heartbreaking IVF dilemma shows what happens when love, infertility, and retirement savings collide.

Hi, Bright Side,

Recently, my daughter begged me to cash out my retirement for her IVF treatment. I said no. She yelled, “You’re choosing money over your own grandchild!” We didn’t speak for weeks.

Last week, her husband called me. My heart stopped when he said, “Your daughter has been secretly selling her belongings and taking on debt to pay for treatments herself. Now she’s financially destroyed AND childless, and you refused to help when one more $18,000 cycle might have worked.”

But I already gave her $36,000 for those two previous cycles. I’m 62 with only $156,000 left in retirement savings after helping her. Giving another $18,000 means I’ll have given $54,000 total, over a third of my original retirement fund.

She’s drowning financially and childless after I already sacrificed so much. But, on the other hand, I’m her father, and that’s kind of my job to help my child become happy. I don’t know what to do.

Victor

Gail Sloan Sorley

2 days ago

at the age of 62, you are still young and could have life for another 20-30 years....$150,000+/- is a good amount, but you need to prepare for YOUR future in case you fall ill or have to move to a care facility in the future, and prices are rising, not decreasing...you've already helped your daughter with the IVF twice and it didn't "take", there is no guarantee a third round would work...DO NOT bankrupt yourself for your daughter to pursue a dream that may not materialise....what will be next? see your house if your own one? go out to work, take a second job, to fund her baby dream? you've already helped her twice, now it's time to tell her no more, and MEAN IT....even if she tries to make you feel guilty or gives you a hard time, her baby dream is between her and her husband, you've already helped twice, enough is enough....don't back down and don't give in....she wants a child? she can always pursue adoption there are plenty of children who need somebody who loves them....

Cate Adlam

3 days ago

It isn't up to you to get her the money, that privilege belongs to her husband

linda kmiecik

6 days ago

One thing she doesnt get is the harder you try is putting stress and anxioty with strain on relationship is also not helping her to conceive. If she stops trying to rush it and stop relax and let it happen naturly it will happen if its ment to be.

Amy

2 weeks ago

I totally understand where you are coming from. Have they considered adoption? When your on a plane and the little mask falls you have to put it in yourself first. You gave her money already that would eat up alot of your retirement. It might be a difficult conversation to have but they need to consider other options.

Hi, Victor,

This situation is heartbreaking and reflects a very real family conflict many parents face when money and family collide.

You already helped a lot. Refusing to cash out your retirement savings doesn’t equal choosing money over your grandchild.

You’re facing a painful retirement money dilemma, and choosing not to destroy your own future while paying for fertility treatments is not selfish. You’re choosing not to chase something no one can promise will happen. IVF costs are high, and IVF doesn’t come with guarantees—even when people pour everything they have into it.

What worries us most isn’t that she’s childless right now. It’s that she’s drowning in debt and hiding it. That’s a clear sign of financial stress, and it often shows up when someone is overwhelmed by an infertility struggle and losing perspective. She’s not thinking clearly anymore.

Here’s the uncomfortable truth many families avoid: parenthood does not include a moral obligation to bankrupt yourself when helping adult children. This is where financial boundaries matter most.

If you give her this money, you might buy temporary peace in an already painful parent-child relationship. But if this new attempt doesn’t bring the desired result, will you be expected to cash out more? That kind of pressure only deepens parental guilt and creates long-term fear that can follow families for years.

Tell her you love her. Tell her you’re scared for her. Tell her you can’t give more money, but you won’t disappear.

Bright Side

Phyllis Popp

3 days ago

Fertility treatments are NOT your responsibility. You have already risked keeping the roof over your head. Just STOP. I doubt your daughter and son in law plan to pay back the $36,000 you already paid. They can look into fostering or adopting or remaining childless. Those costs are on them.

Family financial pressure doesn’t always involve fertility struggles—sometimes it’s the opposite. One reader refused to give $10K to her pregnant sister and was labeled ungrateful. Years later, a shocking email revealed her parents had been lying to her all along: I Refuse to Help My Pregnant Sister, and I Don’t Feel Guilty

Comments

Get notifications

Cheryl Cadwell

2 weeks ago

If she is going into debt to HAVE a child, HOW can she afford to RAISE a child? HOW can YOU support yourself, if you give her ALL of YOUR money? Big mistake, for both of you.

Julianna Carson

2 weeks ago

What happens if this cycle of treatments fails, too? Does she come back for ANOTHER $18,000, and keep coming back until you have nothing left? And what is her husband's contribution in all of this? He told you that your daughter is selling HER possessions, but it doesn't sound like he's doing much to help, and that should be HIS job--not yours. I understand that struggling with infertility can be emotionally devastating, but at this point, what your daughter needs is serious psychological counseling, not more IVF treatments. Remember, "You don't have to set yourself on fire in order to keep somebody else warm"--even if it's somebody you love

Birdie

2 weeks ago

Infertility is a terrible thing to go through, but expecting a parent to bankrupt themselves ins’t fair either.
Your savings can’t guarantee her a child. Time to stop.