I Refuse to Forgive My Wife for What She Did to My Son

Jude thought the hardest part would be helping his teenage son survive the sudden loss of his mother. But as sleepless nights stretch on and tensions rise at home, one late-night discovery leaves him wondering whether his home is still a safe place for his son.

Here’s an email we got from Jude:

Hello, Bright Side,

My ex-wife passed away three weeks ago in a car accident. My son Jake (14) was really close to her, and he’s been a mess since. About a week ago, Jake started having really bad nightmares. He’d wake up screaming and shaking. I started sleeping in his room because it helped. He could see me, and it calmed him down enough to fall back asleep.

My wife, Sarah (we’ve been married 2 years), didn’t say anything at first.

But on night 5, she snapped at me. “Stop this already, this is sick—he’s 14!” I told her I don’t care how old he is if he needs me right now. She got quiet and went to bed. A few hours later, I woke up. Jake’s door was open. I could hear Sarah talking to him.

I walked closer. She was sitting on his bed in the dark, holding his hand and saying, “Let’s keep this between us. Your mom wasn’t even around that much anyway. And now you’re making your dad choose. You’re not 6 anymore, men your age don’t act like this.” I froze. My 14-year-old kid, who just lost his mom, was being told he’s the problem.

She was “helping him grow up.”

Sarah came out and looked surprised to see me. She tried to explain she was “helping him grow up” and that I was “making it worse by coddling him.” I told her she had no right to say that to him, especially now. She said I was being “emotionally manipulated by a teenager” and that Jake was “playing it up for attention.”
Then she added that I’m choosing my son over our marriage and that she is going to live at her sister’s until this whole weird thing is over.

And now I’m not even sure if I want her back here.

Hey, Jude, thanks for reaching out! Let’s see what’s going on here.

1. Your son is not “acting out.” He is grieving.

When a child loses a parent suddenly, fear often shows up at night. Nightmares, panic, needing to see a parent nearby—that’s a very human response. Fourteen may sound “grown,” but emotionally, he’s still a kid who just lost his sense of safety. Nothing about this is unusual.

2. Why staying with him helped.

Seeing you there told his brain one simple thing: I’m not alone. Once that feeling settles in, sleep comes back. It won’t create dependence because it’s about helping your child calm down when his world just cracked open.

You can’t really reason someone out of fear at 3 a.m.

3. Where your wife crossed the line.

Telling a grieving teenager that his mother “wasn’t around much” or that he’s “making his father choose” places adult guilt on a child who’s already hurting.
And supporting your son right now isn’t choosing him over your marriage. A child losing a parent isn’t a competition.

4. What actually needs to happen.

Right now, Jake needs:

• safety
• patience
• and you

Your wife needs to decide whether she can respect that—even if it makes her uncomfortable. If she can, this can be repaired. If she can’t, that’s important information.

Sometimes, family problems start with rules that go too far. In another email we received, a married woman describes how a weekend at her mother-in-law’s house turned into pure embarrassment: I Refused to Follow My MIL’s Rules, I’m an Adult, Not a Toddler