Money and family can be a difficult mix, especially when health struggles and financial sacrifices come into play. Questions about duty, fairness, and long-term security often spark emotional debates between loved ones. Recently, one of our readers sent us a letter about facing this very dilemma with her husband and stepson.
Hi Bright Side,
My husband and I have been married for 9 years. Recently, he lost his job due to company layoffs.
He has a 21-year-old son who was diagnosed with a chronic illness at the age of 13 and requires constant medical care, including extended hospital stays from time to time. This was never an issue in our marriage because my husband had always assured me that he would cover all of his son’s medical expenses.
Meanwhile, I’ve been saving diligently for years with the goal of retiring at 55–7 years from now. But now my husband expects me to use those savings to pay for his son’s treatments.
I told him, “I’m not his mother. Don’t ask me to sacrifice my future!”
He just smiled, left the house, and didn’t come back until late that night.
When he returned, he handed me a set of keys. I asked what they were, and I froze when he said we would be moving out soon.
To my horror, he had already spoken to a real estate agent, put our house up for sale, and planned to use the money for his son. He had even found a small studio apartment in a bad neighborhood, where he said we would be relocating.
I was furious that he made such a huge decision without even discussing it with me. When I confronted him, he said, “Just like you’re not my son’s mother, you’re also not the owner of this house. So I can do whatever I want with it.”
Now I feel completely betrayed. I don’t want to move into a place without having any say in the decision, but at the same time, I don’t want to lose my marriage.
His son is not my responsibility—I didn’t give birth to him. So why am I being punished?
Sincerely,
Ashley
You cannot borrow money to fund your retirement. If son has chronic condition and low income he should be eligible for Medicaid. Are you on the deed to the house? Even if not if you have paid any expenses (mortgage, insurance etc) you should be entitled to a share of the proceeds. Your husband is acting like a putz. I hope you have a good divorce attorney. Instead of discussing this he's being passive aggressive which is a deal breaker for some of us.
Thank you, Ashley, for sharing your story with us. We know how painful it must feel to balance your own future with your husband’s demands. Here is some advice that may help you navigate this difficult situation.
Support for a sick child is important, but so is A CONVERSATION ABOUT OPTIONS. If he owns the house then he could borrow on the equity, OR borrow from you, AFTER ADDING YOUR NAME TO THE TITLE, but he could screw you up worse by doing that. Bottom line, he had no right to TELL YOU THAT YOU WERE MOVING TO A LESS SAFE PLACE. It doesn't make sense for you to pay for his son's medical needs if you don't have any security or schedule for repayment, which BTW he probably won't do. Then he could still sell the house and leave you alone and broke. I don't think you can retire early now, but only because you will (or should) be supporting yourself, ( No child or spousal support) when you get divorced. He obviously doesn't respect you enough to discuss with you anything other than what HE WANTS. Secure your money ASAP. Do NOT give him access to any of your assets and if you have a WILL write him out immediately. If nothing else at least file for a LEGAL SEPARATION to prevent him from doing anything shady. You won't believe what some people will do to get their way and don't care who's hurt by their actions. Let HIM take care of his son and YOU TAKE CARE OF YOU.
Your husband isn’t wrong to want to support his sick son—any parent would. But your retirement and future security matter too.
Action: Acknowledge his need to help while making it clear you won’t sacrifice your entire savings. Explore other ways you can contribute that don’t derail your own stability, like helping with planning or seeking outside resources.
He claimed, “You’re not the owner of this house, so I can do whatever I want.” But marriage gives you both shared stakes in major life decisions.
Action: Speak with a lawyer about spousal rights in your state. Even if the deed is only in his name, you may still have marital property rights depending on where you live. Knowing your legal standing will prevent him from steamrolling you.
The real issue isn’t just his son’s illness—it’s your husband weaponizing it to dismiss your place in the marriage.
Action: Tell him directly: “I respect that your son comes first for you, but dismissing me as if I don’t matter is unacceptable.”
If he won’t recognize you as an equal partner, then no financial compromise will ever feel fair. This shifts the conversation from “money” to “respect.”
Your step son is 21. He is legally an adult. He should qualify for medicaid that should pay for his medical expenses. Since it is a chronic illness he may qualify for social security disability benefits. It is at least worth applying for it. Remember that this is not something to feel too proud to sign up for. It is a benefit in our society that you and your husband have paid taxes for over your many years of working. If you are going to lose your home because of these overwhelming medical expenses it's something that needs to be done.
If he is determined to put his son’s needs above all else, you need to decide whether to stay or step away.
Action: Create a clear plan B—whether that’s renting a small place on your own, protecting your retirement timeline, or even separating legally. Having a backup path gives you power and prevents you from being dragged into decisions that are destroying your future.
Despite the hardships we face in life, it’s important to remember that kindness is still out there—often appearing when we least expect it. Here are 12 moments that show us kindness costs nothing but means everything.
He's been your husband of 9 years! So you spent 9 years living with that boy under one roof, how could you not help? The boy is sick... some people are just heartless
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