I Refuse to Serve My Daughter's Needs— I'm Not a Free Babysitter

A grandmother’s love knows no bounds—but does it have to mean giving up everything? When one of our readers was asked to quit her job and become a full-time caregiver for her grandchild, she hesitated. Her decision sent shockwaves through the family, leaving her judged and isolated. Was she selfish for wanting to keep the life she built? Read her story and decide for yourself.

I love my job. It’s not particularly demanding, but it pays well enough to cover my needs and even allows me to save a little. More than that, it gives me a sense of purpose and a wonderful group of friends. My colleagues and I often meet after work to watch movies, discuss books, and share stories over coffee. It’s more than just a job—it’s my community, my independence, my joy.

Recently, my daughter had a baby.

I was thrilled, of course. Becoming a grandmother is a gift, and I was eager to be part of my grandchild’s life. But soon after the baby was born, my daughter and her husband sat me down with a serious request: they wanted me to quit my job and help them with the baby daily.

At first, I thought they were joking. But no, they were entirely serious. My daughter wanted to rest, and they expected me to step in—not just occasionally, but full-time, as a caretaker, housekeeper, and cook.

I hesitated. Leaving my job meant losing financial security, my social circle, and the benefits that came with employment, like medical coverage and gym access. It wasn’t just about the money—it was about losing a huge part of my life. When I asked if they would pay me for my time, even if just a little, to offset what I would be giving up, they were furious.

“You want money to help your own grandchild?” they scoffed. My daughter accused me of being selfish, of not valuing family, and of caring more about strangers at work than my own blood. They both made it clear that my role as a grandmother should come above everything else, no questions asked.

The guilt she placed on me was suffocating. The next day, my phone started to blow up. Turns out, they told the entire family that I sold my own grandchild for a cup of coffee with strangers I barely knew. Soon, whispers followed. I ended up being an embarrassment to my own family. I felt exposed and shamed for wanting to maintain my own life instead of dropping everything to serve my daughter’s needs.

I spent nights lying awake, wondering if I was in the wrong. I had spent years building a life for myself, a life that I loved. Was I really supposed to throw it away because my daughter demanded it?

So, I made my decision. I would help when I could—on weekends, in the evenings—but I would not quit my job. My daughter was furious, calling me cold and unloving. But I reminded her: being a grandmother does not mean ceasing to be a person. I love my family, but I also love myself.

Some may judge me. I am still a grandmother, and I will still be there for my grandchild—but on my own terms.

Jane

Dear Jane,

You are not wrong. You are not selfish. You are not unloving. You are who you are: a woman who has spent years building a life filled with purpose, independence, and community. And that life still matters.

Being a grandmother is a beautiful role, but it does not erase your right to have your own ambitions, friendships, and financial security. It is heartbreaking that your daughter and son-in-law have framed your desire to maintain your job as a betrayal rather than a necessity. Caring for a grandchild should be an act of love, not an expectation that demands your complete sacrifice.

It is understandable that your daughter is exhausted and overwhelmed—new parenthood is difficult. But instead of seeing you as a valuable support system, she is demanding that you become the foundation on which her life rests. That is not fair. Raising a child is the responsibility of the parents, and while grandparents can play a wonderful and supportive role, it should never come at the cost of their own well-being.

Your compromise—helping when you can, but not at the expense of your own life—is more than reasonable. You are offering love, time, and presence while still preserving the things that bring you happiness and stability. If your daughter chooses to see this as abandonment rather than balance, that is her perspective to manage, not your burden to carry.

It is painful to be misunderstood, especially by family. But you do not need to justify your decision to anyone who refuses to see your side. You have done nothing wrong by valuing yourself alongside your family, rather than erasing yourself for them.

Continue to love your grandchild. Continue to be there in the ways that feel right to you. And continue to live your life without guilt. Because the best grandparent—the best person—is one who is whole, not one who is sacrificed.

Sending you support and understanding,
Bright Side

While it's important to avoid caregiver burnout, babysitting your grandkids in moderation can boost your brain health. Spending time with little ones keeps your mind engaged, lifts your spirits, and even supports long-term well-being.