I Refuse to Shave My Head for My Niece’s Cancer Battle, Now My Family Is Furious

A teen boy with long hair faces a dilemma. His family pressures him to shave his head in solidarity with his niece’s cancer treatment. His post raises an important question: What does it really mean to show love and support?

I am 17 male. Unfortunately, about 6 weeks ago, my niece got diagnosed with acute lymphocytic leukemia. Last week, due to the results of chemo, my niece’s beautiful, long blonde hair started to fall off, so they immediately shaved it down.

The next day, a group chat with the entire family was created where my aunt announced it would be wholesome if everyone shaved their hair off as well to show their support, including a picture where they all smiled without any hair on their heads.

I doubted anyone else would do it. 2 hours later, I arrive home to see both my sister and mother bald. As well as my other cousin and grandma.

The next day, when I woke up and entered the living room, my mom asked, “When are you ready to do it?” while holding an electric hair trimmer. I originally thought it was something to decide on your own, but since everyone else is doing it, I’m kind of being pushed into a corner.

I really, really don’t want to sound egoistic, but I’m a guy with long hair, which over the years has basically become my personality. It’s pretty much the only thing about myself I love, and I really don’t think I want to shave it off.

YES, if I shave it, my niece could be shocked that her long-haired cousin finally shaved his hair off in order to support her. But if I have to keep things real, my aunt made a video showing my niece’s reaction to my mom and sister shaving their heads off, and she did not even seem to slightly care about it.

Now, my mom started being pushy. This morning I got a text from my aunt. She said it would be really nice if I shaved my head as well.

It will basically change nothing in the entire situation. What do I do? I’m almost getting threatened to cut off my hair by three people. Yes, I would have done it to show support from my side, but if it’s nowhere to be appreciated, then what’s the point?

Many people shared their personal stories. Turns out, that’s not what they or their close ones really needed in similar situations:

• When my mum got sick and needed to shave her head, she was absolutely fuming at my brother for suggesting it. As she explained, she felt bad enough with the reminder every time she looked in the mirror, she didn’t need one while looking at her kids. © FindingHomeliness / Reddit

• As a cancer survivor, don’t do it. I never asked, wanted anyone to do that. It made me feel worse.
  The sweetest things that were done for me were sitting with me in the chemo room, making a memory quilt with photos and/or old favorite clothing (t shirts), 5 people with long hair got pixie cuts and had a wig made for me, cooked dinner, so I did not have to, and held me when I was sobbing in pain.
  Shaving their heads would not have shown me any support, why? Because theirs grows back, and mine wouldn’t for over a year. When it did grow back, mine was not blonde and straight, it is ginger and wavy. © allflowerssmellsweet / Reddit

• My grandmother fought cancer twice. You know what she asked for in support? Someone to run errands, bring a home-cooked meal, maybe help her with some household tasks.
  You know what she didn’t ask for? People to shave their heads. IMO, shaving your head is virtue signaling and does nothing to really help the person who is fighting cancer.
  Now, I understand your niece is young and probably self-conscious about her shaved head, and having family who are brave enough to rock the baldness with her probably helps somewhat. But that doesn’t mean everyone has to do it, and it certainly does not mean your feelings are less valid just because you don’t have cancer.
  No means no, even if you’re a minor. Coercion is not support. © 2cents0f**** / Reddit

• I say this as someone who is currently getting chemo and radiation. You don’t owe anyone your hair. My family keeps offering when mine goes, and I’ve asked them not to. Just because mine might fall out doesn’t mean I want them to chop theirs off.
  I have very long 3C hair. I love my hair, and I will be sad if/when it falls out. Other people shaving their heads won’t change that or help it at all. If anything, it will make me feel weird seeing them all bald because of me. I don’t want them to. © bippityboppitynope / Reddit

• When I had cancer and lost my hair, there were a ton of people at work who shaved their heads. There were pictures all over their socials. But not one of them visited me in the hospital or visited me at home. I soon learned who really cared.
  Don’t cut your hair if you don’t want to. Be there for your niece. She will remember that so much more. © Anxious_Bet_2450 / Reddit

So, what is support for people who are going through a battle with a serious disease?

• As someone who used to work in a cancer-specific hospital, here are my two cents:
  It is more supportive if you offer to take her to appointments.
  It is more supportive if you give her rolling luggage filled with snacks, blanket, pillow and activities.
  It is more supportive if you give her parents a day off and take your niece for a day drive to a quiet park or beach.
  It is more supportive if you bring her friends over for a play date while her parents take a day to themselves.
  Cutting hair does nothing to “support” a cancer patient. © No1Especial / Reddit

• “Showing” support is not the same as a phone call or coming to visit. Which is actually showing support. © Upstairs-Result7401 / Reddit

• It isn’t exactly support if it’s done under coercion. And nobody should force anybody to change their body if they are unwilling, for someone else. © Happyweekend6* / Reddit

• It’s forced and performative, and if she’s not even interested in it, it doesn’t help her.
  Just visit her or send her cards or messages, or something instead, if you want. © OddInspector2657 / Reddit

• I’ll preface this by saying I am a nurse and a Mom. Supporting family, friends, and sick people is important, but I feel that as a society, we need to be better about evaluating what is supportive.
  Support for a cancer patient can look like shaving your head, but it can also look like dropping off meals, driving the patient to appointments, sending cards, little gifts, phone calls... So many things are needed when a family member is ill.
  Not everyone can provide the same type of support, and no one should be forced to provide support as defined by someone else. So no, you don’t have to shave your head, especially if it will make you uncomfortable/unhappy. © Kmom** / Reddit

In another story, our reader finally told her 19-year-old daughter the truth about her father. But it happened to be more than her daughter could bear. Read on to find out what happened: I Lied to My Daughter About Her Father—Her Response Shattered Me.