I Refused to Babysit Under My DIL’s Rules—I’m Not “Learning” How to Be a Mom

Parents stick to routines for a reason, but not every grandmother agrees with them. Our reader says she was doing her best, while parents say that “best” starts with following the rules. What should’ve been a babysitting favor turned into a conflict that put a whole family on opposite sides.

I have one son, Mark. He’s married to Nina. They have a baby boy. I’ve always criticized Nina’s parenting. That’s why I haven’t been alone with the baby much.

Last week, Nina called me and asked if I’d watch the baby for about three hours. She had a job interview in person. She told me she couldn’t reschedule it, and childcare fell through at the last minute. I thought this might be a chance to show I can handle it and prove that she doesn’t need to be that strict about everything.

They dropped my grandson off at my house. The baby was fine. About an hour in, Nina started calling. She was asking things like, “Did he finish the bottle?” “Did you start his nap yet?” “If he rubs his eyes, please put him down right away.” She also texted a lot.

Honestly, it felt like I was incapable. The baby started getting fussy. I figured he was tired, but I thought I could stretch it a bit. I wanted to keep him up so he’d sleep better later. I also didn’t want to deal with the whole “exact timing” thing.

So I kept playing with him and walked him around. He got louder. I did change him, and I tried to rock him, but he wouldn’t settle. During this, Nina called again. In total, she called 8 times in about 2 hours.

By the eighth call, I was irritated and embarrassed. I felt like I was being monitored in my own home. I finally answered and said something like, “If you don’t trust me, I’m bringing him back.” I packed up my grandson and drove him back to their house early.

When I got there, Nina wasn’t home yet. Mark was working from home. He looked confused and asked why I was there. I said, “Your wife wouldn’t stop calling. If she can’t trust me, she can figure it out.”

Mark told me to leave the baby and go home. About an hour later, my phone rang. It was Mark. He said something that hit me hard: he had begged Nina to give me a chance.

He said Nina didn’t want me watching the baby alone because she didn’t trust that I’d follow their parenting choices. But she still asked me because she had no other option. And the calls weren’t her “checking up to catch me doing something wrong.”

She just tried to explain the baby’s routine because she genuinely wanted me to succeed. She thought that if she explained things clearly, it would go smoothly. Mark said, “Mom, you didn’t just get annoyed. You refused to follow what she asked, and then you punished her for trying to help.”

Then I heard Nina in the background. She yelled, “He still hasn’t slept! She kept him up and then brought him back like it wasn’t her problem anymore!”

I told him I felt disrespected, and I was overwhelmed. Mark said, “You were overwhelmed for two hours. Nina is overwhelmed every day, and she still tried to set you up to win.”

Then he told me he’s taking Nina’s side and they’re going low contact with me for a while. He said he can’t keep asking his wife to tolerate someone who keeps criticizing her and then proves her concerns right.

Now I’m sitting here thinking about how this went. I wanted to prove I could handle it, but I also didn’t want to follow their routine because I think it’s too much.

Was I wrong?
Diana

Hello Diana,

You weren’t wrong for feeling overwhelmed. Eight calls in two hours would irritate almost anyone. Where you did go wrong is more specific—and more important.

You weren’t being treated as an incompetent grandmother. You were being treated as a temporary caregiver, which is exactly what you were. You agreed to babysit under certain conditions, then consciously decided not to follow them.

Parents—especially new ones—stick to routines because it’s what keeps things from going off the rails. And babies don’t usually “sleep better later” if you keep them up. Most of the time, they just get overtired, crankier, and harder to settle, and their sleep gets messy. So Nina probably wasn’t trying to micromanage you—she was trying to avoid a blow-up while she was already stressed about her job interview.

Capability, in parenting and caregiving, isn’t about doing things your way. It’s about doing them the child’s way, as defined by the parents.

So, you weren’t wrong for feeling overwhelmed. You weren’t wrong for needing fewer calls. But you were wrong to ignore instructions and then frame help as distrust.

Low contact isn’t punishment; it’s a cooling-off period. If you want a path back, it starts with a sentence like, “I thought I was proving myself. Instead, I made things harder. I see that now.”

And one last verified fact to leave you with: Grandparents who respect parental boundaries are more likely to be trusted with unsupervised time later. You still have time to prove that you can be trusted.

Bright Side

Family conflicts don’t always stay inside the family. In our next story, I Refuse to Help My Coworker Who Treats My Kindness Like an Obligation, one reader says kindness at work slowly turned into pressure, public shaming, and accusations she never expected. When favors start feeling like obligations, where does helping end—and self-respect begin?