I Thought I Was Helping My Best Friend—Turns Out She Was Using Me

It’s natural to want to help a friend in need, especially when they’ve supported you in the past. But what happens when that help is taken advantage of? This woman thought she was offering her best friend a lifeline, only to discover that her kindness had been misused in a way that left her feeling betrayed and questioning everything she had done.

Her letter to us:

I moved abroad last year for work. Before I left, my best friend, Anna, told me she was tight on money, so I offered her my small one-bedroom apartment to live in for free until she got back on her feet. I figured it was the least I could do, especially since she had supported me years ago when I was going through my own struggles and had nowhere to go. I truly felt like I was returning the favor.

While I was living abroad, I checked in with her now and then. Every time I asked how things were going, she said things were getting better. She said she was picking up some freelance work, had started saving a little, and felt more stable. I always told her not to rush — she could stay as long as she needed. She always thanked me and said she was so lucky to have a friend like me.

But then, a few months ago, I came home for a surprise visit. I thought it would be fun to show up with dinner and catch up in person. I still had a spare key, so I let myself into the apartment... and was stunned to find a man I’d never seen before standing in the living room.

The friend took advantage of her kindness.

There was a moment of confusion. He looked alarmed, and I quickly explained I was looking for my friend who lived there. That’s when he told me he lived there — alone. He said he was renting the apartment.

I didn’t even know what to say. I just mumbled something about a misunderstanding and left. I called Anna right away, thinking something had happened to her. When I finally got through, she admitted she hadn’t been living there for months. She said she realized she could rent it out for extra money, and figured since I wasn’t using it, it was fine.

I was stunned. I told her I understood needing money, but that apartment wasn’t hers to rent out. I gave it to her to live in, not to make money from. I asked the man who was renting to leave (I gave him a few weeks to find a new place), and I told Anna I needed the apartment back.

Did she handle it correctly?

That’s when she got upset. She said I was being selfish, that I had more than enough, and she had nothing. She told me that I pretended to be generous, but only when it was convenient for me. That honestly broke my heart.

Now she won’t speak to me. Some of our mutual friends think I overreacted. They said if I wasn’t using the apartment, what was the harm? But I feel so taken advantage of.

I keep thinking about all those times she said she was “doing better.” Why didn’t she just tell me the truth? Why pretend?

Still, I can’t help but feel guilty seeing her like this, and I wonder if I should’ve handled it differently.

This is what we think.

We’re sorry you’re dealing with such a difficult situation, but don’t lose heart—relationships can be tough, but they often find a way to heal with time and understanding. Here are a few practical suggestions that might help you move forward:

• Communicate openly: Sit down with your friend and express your feelings honestly. Let her know how her actions made you feel, without accusing or blaming. Sometimes, the issue is rooted in a lack of clear communication.
• Set boundaries: It’s okay to say no, even to close friends. Setting clear boundaries is a sign of self-respect and will help avoid situations where your kindness is taken for granted.
• Evaluate the relationship: Consider whether this friendship is built on mutual respect and trust. If your generosity is being exploited, it may be time to reassess how much you’re willing to give and how much you expect in return.

Sometimes, helping others comes with unexpected consequences, and setting boundaries is necessary for maintaining healthy relationships. This situation is complex, and many people face similar dilemmas when kindness is mistaken for weakness. Another reader wrote in to tell us about how his parents tried to take advantage of his generosity. Read all about it here.