My DIL Tried to Publicly Shame Me for My Style—Now We’re Not Talking

Clothes come with perception — they say something about us, whether we want them to or not. But the thing about perceptions is that not everyone sees things the same way. One grandmother, who admits her dress sense is stylish for her age, wrote to us about her daughter-in-law who really thinks it’s not appropriate for a grandmother to dress the way our reader dresses. She asked us for a neutral perspective on the matter.

Daughter-in-law’s awkward gift

My DIL said I dress inappropriately picking up my grandson. I told her it’s what makes me feel good, and I thought it was over. That’s why I was so shocked when, on my birthday, she gave me a pair of gray sweatpants, an oversized T-shirt that said “#1 Grandma,” and some plain white sneakers. Not my style at all. The kind of thing I wear when cleaning the garage.

I laughed awkwardly and said, “This isn’t quite my vibe.”

For context, I’m 60, and I exercise regularly, so I stay fit and like to dress with a little style. Nothing wild—just leggings, a nice top, maybe a jacket, comfortable boots. I like clothes that make me feel put-together.

She just said, “Well, I thought it was more appropriate, especially for school pickups.”

I was stunned. Right there, in front of everyone.

I defended my style.

I didn’t want to make a scene, but later I pulled her aside and asked if that gift was meant to be some kind of message. She said yes—it was time for me to “embrace being a grandma” and “set a good example.”

That turned into a full-blown argument. I told her just because I’m a grandma doesn’t mean I have to wear a potato sack. She said I was “making things about myself” and “drawing attention” when I should be thinking about my grandson.

I left early. I haven’t spoken to them since. My son texted, saying he wishes I wouldn’t “make this into drama.”

But am I? I don’t know. I didn’t think leggings and a sweater counted as a fashion crisis. I just want to feel good. And I don’t think that’s a crime at 60.

Dear reader, thank you for sharing your story with us. Here’s our take on the situation.

You can dress however you want.

Although grandmothers are known to dress modestly and comfortably, there is no dress code for grandmothers and you feeling good in your personal style can benefit your mental health. Aging doesn’t come with a cemented “uniform” and people like Helen Mirren and Andie MacDowell are redefining aging and style. So you have a right to dress in a way that makes you feel your most confident and comfortable.

Other people’s perceptions of your personal style may not match your own and finding the balance between the two, especially when family responsibilities, such as pick-up, play a role, is where the true challenge comes in.

Your daughter-in-law’s concern over your appearance.

That said, your daughter-in-law may be coming more from a place of concern rather than judgment. She may be worried about how your appearance might cause people to view your grandson because you’re in a space where you not only represent yourself, but your grandson and your daughter-in-law as well.

The way she reacted to your appearance could’ve been different, especially since she’s done it in front of everyone, and nobody likes to be called out negatively in front of a crowd. Her reaction, however, may indicate how seriously she feels about your appearance.

Communicate with your daughter-in-law.

Things did get heated and emotions were high the last time you spoke, so maybe try sitting down with her and having a conversation about the matter. This might help de-escalate the tension and prove that you are actually seeking a solution, not a fight.

Keeping lines of communication open and being present in your grandchild’s life is what is important. Find the middle ground and some shared goals between you two, such as being a supportive presence for your grandson, building mutual respect, and honoring individuality. You could try to make her understand that you’re trying to be a positive influence in your grandson’s life means proving to him that it’s okay to be yourself at any age.

Sometimes the clothes do not make the grandma.

Clothes may influence perceptions or esteem, but they don’t define your ability to be a good grandparent, and neither does fitting into someone else’s mold.

Given some time and understanding, hopefully your family can find common ground—where everyone’s sense of identity and fashion is respected.

There’s more than one way to dress as a grandma. Proving it, is this 95-year-old woman who’s redefining aging by her own standards.