My Husband Demanded Me to Get a Job and Assumed My Parents Would Babysit Without Pay

Despite what anyone says, being a mother is a full-time job. You’re emotionally and physically tasked with raising a child to the best of your ability. Some dads don’t realize the hard work that comes with such a job, like Lina’s husband. He thinks she can work a second job.

This is Lina’s story.

Dear Bright Side,

I live with my husband and twin toddlers. While we don’t exactly live ’comfortably,’ we’re still able to get by with my husband’s salary. But now, my husband is complaining about the lack of luxuries, like vacations and being able to afford better things. So, he kept telling me to get a job.

But, he doesn’t realize that having twin toddlers means that I’m exhausted from the feedings, tantrums and all. He said, “Your parents can babysit anyway! Your mom can easily do it,” I refused, and he called me “spoiled.” So I finally agreed. The next day, I secretly stopped managing the household calendar, grocery orders, and doctor visits, all the invisible work he never notices.

I got a job during that time at a small company while my mom sat with the kids. One day, the school called and told us the twins had lice and had to stay home. My mom wasn’t available and we couldn’t afford a nanny yet. My husband told me I have to stay with them.

I asked him, “What about my job?” and he just looked angry. After just days of missed grocery orders, doctor visits, and regular cleaning, the house was a complete mess. My husband still insisted that it was my fault, despite him telling me that I should get a job. I don’t know how to deal with him anymore. Please help.

Lina H.

Your husband needs to appreciate you more.

Thank you for sharing your struggle with us, Lina. It seems that the core issue in this story is that your husband has a lack of respect and appreciation for what you do as a mother and wife. Your role as the caregiver for your toddlers is of immense importance and he clearly can’t grasp that. By calling you “spoiled,” he dismissed your exhaustion and the value of your labor.

You did the right thing my secretly letting things go.

Leaving the house a mess and letting go of your role as a mother has made your husband realize what you’ve been doing this whole time. Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking that the mess is your fault. Unfortunately, it seems that he’s still in denial over how difficult your job is. If he still can’t see reason then you may have to resort to bigger consequences. Otherwise, he’ll never understand the value you hold in this household.

You don’t have to quit if you don’t want to.

If you’ve found joy in your new job, you don’t have to leave it just for the kids. Instead, you and your husband can divide responsibilities fairly to manage the household. Write out every single task required to run your family. Go through the list together and decide who will be responsible for what. This might mean he takes over grocery ordering and laundry, while you handle doctor visits, and he handles car maintenance.

The goal is equity, so you both have equal amounts of free time. Decide in advance what you will do during emergencies, such as your toddlers getting sick, or in your case, lice. Will you take turns taking a day off? Will you split the day? This cannot be a last-minute decision that automatically falls on you.

In a marriage, appreciation is paramount. If someone doesn’t value the other, the relationship will crumble. Just look at this woman who went all out for her husband’s birthday gift, spending upwards of $3,500, meanwhile, his gift was disappointing.