What to Do First If Dinosaurs Reappear on Earth
Attention humans! This is not a drill. Dinosaurs have reappeared on our planet and are currently roaming around causing chaos. The most advanced scientific labs are trying to understand how this happened overnight, but until we have some answers, here’s what you should do!
Since most of us only know a few select species of dinosaurs thanks to Jurassic Park, the first thing we need to do is to be able to identify who’s who. Ask yourself: can I tell apart a harmless herbivore dinosaur from a carnivore one that can eat me? The answer to this might save your life.
Let’s quickly review some of the most common herbivores. Make sure to memorize at least one feature of each dinosaur so that you’ll know them if you bump into them on the street. We’ve got the Brachiosaurus, for example. They won’t hurt you intentionally but don’t try to pet them because they are 100 ft long, and they might snap you with their tail. We are aware they are cute, but please control yourself.
Then there’s the Anchiceratops (an-key-SERRA-tops). They’re easy to identify because they look like Rhinoceros. They’re the height of an average-sized human, keep this in mind. Also, no petting, we’re not living in a petting zoo, people. The Atlascopcosaurus looks like a carnivorous dinosaur, but it’s harmless. It is very fast, but don’t go getting any ideas of trying to race it, please. The Dracorex might resemble a smaller T. rex, but he’s a 100% herbivore.
Don’t get ahead of yourselves, we’re going to talk about the carnivorous dinosaurs very soon. Here’s a list of things you shouldn’t do with any of the previously mentioned dinosaurs. You should never, under any circumstances offer them modern delicacies such as pizza or ice cream. This stuff is bad enough for us humans, we don’t need a bunch of larger-than-life animals getting stomach aches.
Also, don’t try to domesticate them as your pets. Their behavior is unpredictable. We managed to domesticate a strand of wolves, that we now call dogs, but I think we just got lucky on that end. It might not work with dinosaurs. Oh, and speaking of dogs, it might be good to keep them off the leash for a while. Instead, try carrying them in a nice backpack. If they’re too big, carry them anyway.
If you get scared, and you think a dinosaur is heading towards you to attack you, don’t try scaring them with shiny objects or loud noises. As far as we know, this can only irritate and scare them more. If you’re used to wearing flashlights, just don’t point them directly at a dino’s face. Oh, and if by any chance you have one of these all-in-one gadgets that make loud noises and shine bright, best to keep them at home.
Now that we’ve got this settled, let’s move on to the top carnivorous dinosaurs you are most likely to bump into. If you do happen upon them, the best thing you can do is RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! The odds are that these dinos will be faster than you, so you have to run inside somewhere you’ll be able to lock the door and keep safe. Deal?
Number 1 on our list is the infamous Tyrannosaurus Rex. Keep in mind that they can be as high as 12 ft, so they’ll probably outrun you in any situation. Do not try to make it play basketball to see if it can dunk a ball. They are dinosaurs, they don’t know what a basketball is. And this can turn very bloody very soon.
Next, we have the velociraptor. That’s the sneaky little one from Jurassic Park. It’s as tall as a small child, but it is very swift. Don’t ever try to feed it, or you might end up turning into the meal yourself. Spinosaurus are beautiful, the thing on their backs may cause fascination, but make sure to admire them from a distance. They move on two legs, can be as big as 60 ft and their teeth are blade-like. That’s all you need to know.
This little dinosaur may look as harmless as a bird, but it is extremely dangerous. First, because it flies. Second, because it’s cute. And third, because it eats meat. The Confuciusornis (kon-few-shus-or-niss) might try to come inside your window when you least expect it. Since these ones are so sneaky, we recommend using some type of arm protection. Like these arm sleeves that can block any possible bites or even a leather one that is thick and resistant.
Now that we’ve covered the basics, we need to develop an action plan. What are humans going to do on this newly crowded planet? Are we going to settle for sharing Earth with dinosaurs? Or are we going to think of a plan to transport them all to another planet? Let’s take the first scenario as an example. We have a few options in case we decide to let dinosaurs roam freely around us. We could build a Dino-Dome around cities.
Imagine a huge, thick glass dome that covers big and small cities alike. They’re connected by supertechnological tunnels and suspended highways. This way, we could keep our day-to-day life separated from dinosaur threats. Of course, until we’re able to build them, we would have to limit the time spent outside. Forget about a car or even plane rides. Cars are easily destroyed by any of the major species of dinosaurs, and in planes, we would probably bump into flying pterosaurs, which wouldn’t be a nice thing.
We could recruit the strongest and most agile humans to form a “Dino-Defence Squad”. These brave people would be asked to take on the toughest of the dinos in case of emergencies. I’d never put my name down for that activity, though. There’s also the possibility of channeling our inner cavepeople and promoting the “Jurassic Diet”.
You know: eating raw meat like our ancestors did back then? The idea here would be to show dinosaurs that humans are similar to them so that they don’t see us as prey. Did I hear anyone saying “hamster-wheel traps”? This could be a little mean on our part, but humans could build huge hamster wheels to trap dinosaurs into producing electricity.
You know, this way they would get stuck into an endless and repetitive wheel, serving our purposes until they exhaust themselves completely. Another option would be to build personal hamster balls for every human living on our planet. That way we could move around safely from dinosaur threats. As I say it, I can see this plan is not 100% foolproof, but it was worth a try.
Now, say we decide to transport them all to another planet. This plan would probably require a lot of technological advancements. We would need to build an enormous fleet of space shuttles able to carry these heavy dinos. But how would we capture them all in the first place? Here’s a crazy idea: we could build a giant magnet to draw all the dinosaurs to one spot. This way, electromagnetic waves would be the only ones responsible for pulling the dinosaurs somewhere near the shuttles. Another option is building a huge network of trampolines. Think of it like a real-life game of Frogger.
This way, dinos would bounce all the way to the departure station. We could also try to develop some kind of mind games with the dinosaurs. If we hypnotized them, we could trick each and every dinosaur to walk spontaneously to the departure station.
I’m thinking we would need a global sound system to do that. Lucky for us, we already have a lot of satellites roaming close enough to Planet Earth. There’s also the possibility of just getting rid of the more dangerous dinosaurs.
The carnivorous ones, of course, but also the really huge herbivores that can destroy our cities by mistake. This way we can keep some dinosaurs alive and share the Planet with us. What’s your take on this absurd situation? Do tell us if you have any ideas to add to our crazy plans.