I Kicked My Stepdaughter Out — Her Behavior Was Turning Creepy

Losing a family member is never easy, and everyone mourns and heals differently. One Bright Side reader shared a heartbreaking story about losing his wife to cancer. With two college-going kids and a much older stepdaughter, this father and grieving husband is facing another dilemma, and needs some advice.

This is Nathaniel's letter.

My wife had cancer and died a few months back. We were married for 24 years and had two children. I can proudly say, these were the best years of my life. Our two kids are in college now.

My wife also had a daughter from a previous relationship, and Sarah was 16 when she became my stepdaughter. I didn’t adopt her officially, because despite my best efforts, we could never be close, although we were cordial to each other. She did not make an effort to be a sister to my kids as well, but that was fine by me.

Two years ago, my wife’s cancer diagnosis came as a bolt from the blue. She fought bravely, but in the end, it was just a matter of making her as comfortable as possible. My stepdaughter moved in with us to take care of her mother, and has been staying since then.

My wife passed three months ago, but Sarah shows no signs of leaving my house. She’s 40, has no job or relationship, and is a bit strange.

My children also spoke to me about Sarah, and I knew things had to change. She seemed to be “taking over” from my late wife. Not only is she wearing my wife’s clothes, but she’s trying to do all the chores around the house. I live alone and don’t need three-course meals or my shirts ironed. It made me uncomfortable, so I told her to stop.

I also had a long chat with her, and encouraged her to do something with herself. Days passed and things remained the same. I made a decision. I asked her to move out, and get her life in order. She then blurted out how she wanted to stay with me and be just like her mom, taking care of HER family. This creeped me out, and I firmly told her she needs to leave by the end of the month.

She started crying then, about how I was heartless and not letting her grieve for her mother, in her mother’s house. I did not respond and walked out of the room, but I am torn. I want to help her, she is my wife’s daughter, after all, but somehow her tears don’t ring true. It feels like she’s taking me for a ride, and plus, since we don’t have a close relationship, I find it awkward to have her living in my house.

So, what do I do?

Nathaniel

Dear Nathaniel, firstly, let us say how sorry we are for your loss. Losing a spouse is never easy, and we hope that time heals your wounds, and you remember all the happy moments with your wife.

Dealing with stepchildren is always a fine line, and this time, it seems boundaries are being pushed. So here’s what you can do.

1. Have a clear, non-emotional communication.

Open communication and dialogue is key to solving any problem, and it seems it’s time for an intervention where your stepdaughter is concerned. First off, before the tears move you, remember that no only is she an adult, but she’s also not your responsibility given you are not her adoptive father.

Since you do feel like helping her, which is a good thing, talk to her, preferably in front of family. Are your wife’s parents or siblings around, who can also help you guide her into taking control of her life? Given that she’s not very close to you or your children, it may be time to ask someone related to her by blood to intervene so that both of you can come to an amicable solution.

That said, you are not wrong in wanting her to leave, and putting yourself in an uncomfortable situation is not something your wife would have wanted either, and your boundaries need to be respected.

2. Define clear boundaries.

Even if it may sound harsh, you are right in wanting to avoid any awkward situations, given you and your stepdaughter are not close. As far as your wife’s “place” is concerned, no one can take that, and your stepdaughter cannot be a substitute for your loss, in any way — and she needs to understand that a 100 percent.

That being said, wanting to stay close to her mother, be it her house or by wearing her clothes, or wanting to take her place could be signs of unresolved grief. You may want to get her into therapy, or grief counselling, so she’s able to face the future better prepared.

If you feel you need to provide some financial help, or get her a job or place to stay, then do so with clear boundaries. It could be a time boundary, like you’ll help her get back on her feet for three months, and post that she has to start taking care of herself.

3. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt.

Remember that self-care is important. You have lost a spouse and your children have also lost her mother — the grief isn’t hers alone. Do what makes you comfortable in the long run, and shed any guilt because legally, you are not responsible for an adult stepchild.

Also check with your lawyers if your wife made any provisions for her, financially. Perhaps that could also go a long way in helping her live her own life.

Allow yourself time to heal the way you need to, and keep your children close and in the loop about it all. We hope this helps, and you are able to take your family forward in the direction you want to.

A death in the family is always a massive quake, more so when the deceased person’s will reveals a shocker — just like these lawyers discovered.