Plenty of couples in the world struggle with having children, choosing to go with surrogacy or adoption as it best suits them. But, what happens when one of the partners is left blind-sided by the other’s decision? Here’s what a Bright Side reader, Emma, shared with us.
Dear Bright Side,
I can’t have kids, and my husband was okay with that. After 4 years together, I thought I knew him. I also thought it was all sorted, and one day, we’d adopt since IVF was not a viable option for me.
Then, a woman showed up at our door, holding a pregnancy test. She smiled and told me, “Your husband hired me. I’m your surrogate.” A chill shot down my spine when she pulled out medical tests, confirming the pregnancy.
My husband was the father, and he had used donor eggs, the woman was simply carrying the baby to terms. I admit, I reacted badly and told the woman to get out and never come back.
I understand my husband wanted a biological child, but we never really discussed this, and he just went ahead and made all the decisions, assuming I’d be pleased. I’m horrified, and not ready to be a mother to a child I had no role in creating.
To avoid more arguments, I packed my bags and moved out, and now my husband and his family are blowing up my phone, calling me heartless for abandoning our “child,” and not appreciating what my husband did so we could be a family.
I’m hurt beyond belief, and just frozen in limbo. Can you help me decide how to go on from here?
Emma Swain
Dear Emma, thank you for sharing your painful story with us, and we cannot express how sorry we are for what you are going through. You trusted your husband, and he made a life-altering decision all by himself, without your consent, which basically is a betrayal of your marriage. Here’s what we feel might help you take stock of the situation.
Tell husband and his family it's HIS child NOT yours. Tell them you had no say in the matter. Tell them if they think it's okay to go behind your back in such a horrendous way is okay then THEY adopt the child and raise it and to 1) leave you out of it and 2) never contact you again unless it's thru your lawyer.
Being unwilling to accept a child, not yet born, nearly being “foisted” upon you, does not make you heartless or evil. In fact, had you not reacted with shock, horror, or anger, it might have been more unnatural.
Being a parent is a choice. You consent to be one, and willingly have a child, through whichever way, and having one isn’t a surprise that your partner can spring upon you. Your husband did not wait for your consent, so your grief, over the betrayal of trust, is not only natural, it is healing.
A healthy marriage, or any relationship cannot exist without trust, and right now, yours has been shattered, cruelly. Your husband went behind your back with something that affects every part of your life, and his decision was clearly a well-thought-out one, specifically keeping you in the dark.
This is no longer just about the baby, it’s about whether you can trust him again after such a huge breach. Reconciliation will require serious work, from therapy, to transparency, and a definite rebuilding of boundaries. That being said, you are under no obligation to reconcile if you don’t want to.
Since you were never consulted about the baby, it’s natural to feel emotionally disconnected with the surrogate’s pregnancy, and the impending birth. However, assuming you have a few months to decide, you can choose to be part of the baby’s life, or completely distance yourself from it all.
Legally speaking, depending on your country’s laws, you may not have automatic parental rights, since the child comes from your husband and a donor, and since you were never involved in any of the paperwork either. This gives you the legal leverage to stay out of the child’s life, if that’s what you want.
If you do decide to end the relationship with your husband, he will likely raise the child, given it’s his responsibility, not yours.
It’s unfair for his family to be pressuring you, but then again, maybe they too have a partial story from your husband. Perhaps he framed this as “your” child when, in truth, you had no say.
You may choose to talk to the most reasonable one of the lot, explaining your POV, if you are close with them. Else, go no contact (or low contact) with them for a while and give yourself time to breathe and think clearly.
The fact is, you are not abandoning anyone. Your husband created this situation without your consent, and you are simply reacting to what was forced upon you. Thinking about yourself isn’t selfishness, right now, it’s self-preservation. Here more such family secrets that caused mayhem once discovered.
As a woman who had lost many children, if my husband pulled this, I would have taken a cast iron frying pan to him. It was so disrespectful. Also the "donor eggs" were probably the surrogates, but she might have had viable eggs herself and just was unable to carry a pregnancy to term. In a situation like this where she shows up without your husband having talked this over with you, you cannot dismiss that this was an affair baby, not a surrogate.
Guys like this will come after you for child support. If I had the funds, I would hire a PI. I would get as much background on this woman as possible. No reputable surrogate would enter into an agreement without both parties being there. I would ask for a DNA test from both her and him and of course the baby. Then I would ask about the organization she is part of, why she would choose to do this without meeting you first. This will quickly break down the lies.
This smells like an affair baby wrapped up as a surrogacy. He can then pretend to be hurt for only doing a good thing. I am glad you left. Ask them if they would be happy happy joy joy if their husband pulled this without talking to them and if they would not smell a rat. If she wants your husband, going to your house was a win/win. She will either run you out or she will still win him by not releasing the baby. Either way your husband chose a child over talking to his wife and working something out. Why I suggest the DNA test, many of these cases turn out she was already pregnant by someone else. He may find out that baby would have the same genetic relationship to him as any other adopted child. I am sorry this happened to you. Particularly the ones who say not to take it out on a baby. This baby is is no way hers, it may not even be his. She is not taking anything out on the baby. She is gone. The baby has a Mother, probably her real Mother. The baby may have her ex as a father. This is not her monkees, not her circus.
I'm questioning how anyone is accusing you of abandoning your baby... That child isn't yours at all. You didn't carry it, it has none of your DNA, you never agreed to it, it's essentially stepchild. And you have every right to divorce your husband and move on with your life without having to take care of his kid that has nothing to do with you.
