I Refused to Accept My Biological Dad When He Came Back, but My Mom Insisted I Do

After years of absence, Jenna’s biological dad reappeared with a message that left her questioning everything. Her mom insists she give him a chance, but after growing up without him and being told he didn’t care, can she?

Hello, Bright Side,

My name is Jenna. My dad left when I was born, and my mom raised me alone. Years later, he suddenly showed up and messaged me, “I always loved you. There’s something you should know.”

I ignored him. But to my surprise, my mom begged me to accept him, “It wasn’t his fault because it was my family who pushed him out of our lives. I was young and scared, and I let them.”

Turns out, my mom’s family thought my dad wasn’t good enough for her. She told me he had anxiety and other health issues, and he couldn’t even keep a steady job. Things got really hard, and her family agreed to help, but only if she promised to cut him off.

They believed it was best for my future. Now they are full of regret. My dad lived abroad for many years, and now he’s come back hoping we can reconnect.

I get it. I really do. But I grew up without a father. I was constantly lied to about him and told things that made me believe he was just a guy who didn’t care.

Now I’m being asked to just accept him because no one is against it anymore? But what about my feelings? What about all the years I spent without him?

It feels like I’m just supposed to forget about everything and open up my heart to someone who was never there for me. I’m afraid to let him in, and honestly, I don’t even know how to start. I don’t know how to trust him or how to connect with him after all these years. I feel like it’s unfair.

What am I supposed to do?

Dear Jenna,

Thank you for reaching out. Here are some thoughts on how to approach this situation:

• Analyze your expectations before talking to him
  Before you engage with your dad, it’s important to be clear about what you expect from this conversation. What do you need to hear from him to start trusting him? Is it an apology? An explanation of why he left?
  Setting clear expectations will help you control the situation rather than letting it unfold based on his agenda. For example, you might ask him to explain what he means by “there’s something you should know” and whether he acknowledges the hurt his absence caused you.
• Have a controlled first interaction
  If you’re open to hearing him out, consider having a first interaction that’s low-stakes and controlled. You might want to keep the conversation brief and focus on gathering information rather than diving into emotions immediately. A simple question like, “Why did you leave?” or “What has changed in your life that makes you want to reconnect?” could give you a better sense of his intentions.

• Ask your mom for details
  Since your mom’s family was involved in pushing your dad out, it might help to have a deeper conversation with her about the specifics of what happened. Ask her to explain what role she played in the decision and whether she’s truly regretful or just trying to smooth things over. Maybe she is afraid to stay alone once you start building your own life.
  Understanding her perspective can help you decide whether you want to open a door to a relationship with your dad, and what that might mean for your relationship with her as well.

• Reevaluate after each conversation
  After any conversation with your dad, give yourself time to reflect. Don’t feel pressured to make any immediate decisions about the relationship. You can gauge your emotional comfort level after each interaction.
  For example, after your first conversation, take a couple of days to sit with your thoughts. Ask yourself: Did he take responsibility? Did I feel heard and validated? How does this change how I feel about him?

• Consider setting limits on involvement
  If you’re not ready for a full emotional investment, consider keeping your relationship with him limited to specific areas that don’t require heavy emotional commitment. For example, you might agree to check in periodically through messages or short phone calls before agreeing to meet in person or invest more time. Setting these limits up front will allow you to gauge how much emotional energy you want to give to this situation without overwhelming yourself.

Understand that rebuilding trust doesn’t happen quickly, and there might be setbacks. Don’t be discouraged if you feel emotionally blocked or if your dad’s responses don’t immediately satisfy your concerns. Sometimes, it takes a while to process all the years of abandonment, and that’s okay. Be kind to yourself if you’re not ready to let him in right away or at all.

Best,
Bright Side

Now, a reader shares a similar dilemma—he let his ex stay for their son’s birthday, thinking it was the right thing to do. But when he overheard a shocking conversation, everything changed. Was she using him and their son? Or did he overreact? Read the full story and decide where you stand.