I Will Only Allow My FIL to Live With Us If He Follows My Rules

One of our readers recently shared her story with our editorial team, detailing the tensions brewing between her, her husband, and her mother-in-law. As her FIL expresses a desire to move in with them, the reader finds herself setting firm conditions. Here’s her story.

Her husband thought her conditions were “a bit much,” but she stood her ground. “If he’s going to live here, he needs to help out,” she insisted. “It’s not like we need another person just lounging around.”

The following weekend, they finally sat down with her father-in-law to discuss the idea. She laid out her terms, polite but firm, explaining that she would be okay with him moving in as long as she helped with cooking and cleaning. Her father-in-law didn’t take it well. Looking shocked, he responded, “Oh, I thought I’d be here to help with the kids, not to be your maid.”

Then, as if on cue, he made a dramatic scene, his eyes welling up with tears, “So, that's it? You want to use a poor old man as a slave? After everything I've done for this family?”

The father-in-law was clearly upset. He also complained he was too old for that much work and believed family should support each other.

The conversation soured, and the father-in-law left soon after. Later, her husband was upset, saying her expectations were unfair, leading to a big argument. He accused her of not being supportive, while she argued his father wasn’t too old to help, as he was only in his mid-60s.

She remained firm on her conditions, but honestly, she had no idea what would happen next. Would this blow over, or was it the start of a bigger issue? Only time would tell.

What researchers say about conflicts with parents-in-law.

To effectively address and resolve issues with your in-laws in a healthy way, here are some key points to consider.

Don’t take everything to heart: It’s important to take your in-law’s opinions with a grain of salt. Their perspective doesn’t have to dictate how you live your life.

Set boundaries when necessary: If your in-law’s preferences start to overwhelm your household or personal choices, it’s time to establish clear boundaries.

You have the right to make your own decisions: You shouldn’t feel pressured to do anything that makes you uncomfortable or goes against your values.

You are in charge of your children: As parents, you and your partner have the final say in how your kids are raised. Grandparents can provide input, but the rules are yours to set.

Be mindful of different family dynamics: Different families have different norms. Be understanding of the relationship your partner has with their parents, but don’t let that overshadow your own needs.

Your partner is not their parent: Don’t conflate your partner’s behavior with that of their parent. Recognize the individuality of each person in your relationship.

Communication is key: Maintain open and honest communication with your partner about in-law-related issues. Whether through your partner or directly, there should also be an effort to establish clear communication with your in-laws.

Set boundaries early and enforce them: Clearly communicate what needs to change and what boundaries need to be set before conflicts escalate. Once they are set, stand by them.

Invest in the relationship: Just like any relationship, your relationship with your in-laws requires effort and patience. It may take time to navigate differences and work through issues.

Know when to step back: If your in-law consistently refuses to respect your boundaries or compromises, it may be time to limit contact or, in extreme cases, consider no contact at all.

Here, you can find another story about the challenges of dealing with in-laws.