My Husband Thinks He Can “Clock Out” of Parenting—He Needs a Reality Check

Life as a couple often follows a rhythm: shared routines, evening conversations, spontaneous plans, and restful nights. But when a baby arrives, that rhythm shifts entirely. The once-familiar cadence of daily life is replaced with cries at midnight, feedings at dawn, and a new, all-consuming sense of responsibility. For many couples, this change is beautiful but also deeply jarring. It takes time to get used to this new reality and find the new balance.

Husband and I have been together 2.5 years. He is diagnosed with autism and ADHD, which can make communication between us challenging at times, but we do our best. Since he has ADHD, he only works at 50%; the other half is covered by health insurance here on a temporary basis, and every few months, he has to keep applying for more.

Which means I went back to work part-time. I work as a private teacher. I choose my hours, since my students USUALLY live in different countries. So, I chose some in the afternoon when my husband is home with our son, and at night, when my students would be awake, and he is also home. I only have one student in the evening, 23:00 — 23:30, twice a week.

This is to help with some income, and we discussed this before I even went back to work. He had asked no students past midnight. So if our baby is having issues sleeping, he can take care of him and hopefully get him to sleep.

Well, my husband insists he must be asleep by 11 or he “can’t function.” It wasn’t a problem until we had the baby. The baby sometimes will stay asleep when I put him to bed (I nurse him to sleep), and sometimes he wakes up screaming.

Last night I told Brad I had my student at 23:00, and I would try to have our baby sleeping by then. He asked me, “What is your plan if the baby wakes up? My bedtime is 23:00, so hopefully you have thought of something.” I said, “Well, hopefully he stays asleep. If not, you will just have to take care of him, or put him on his play mat and entertain him.”

He resolutely said, “Bedtime is 23:00, and I will go to bed.” Come 23:00, the baby is in bed, and my husband is just getting out of the shower. During my late work call, the baby cried. I excused myself and rushed to soothe him. I guess he woke up moments after I started with my student, as when I came out of the office, he was walking around with our baby. I took him, nursed him back to sleep.

Once I finished my class, I checked on my husband and was shocked to see he had locked himself in the bedroom.

This morning, he was a bit annoyed with me. When I tried to hug him goodbye as he was leaving for work, he did not hug me back. We always do this before he leaves, so I said, “Are you upset with me still?” He replied, “Yes, you crossed my boundary. My bedtime is 23:00. We discussed this. I go to bed, and anything past that is your problem to solve if the baby wakes up.”

He left for work...and I was just thinking...what?? I feel I need to have some discussion with Brad about this, but what if I told him he has no more boundaries with his sleep, and he is being ridiculous?

The couple discussed things in depth

So, he came home. And we had a long, long talk about how his words can be easily misunderstood, especially if he does not clarify to me, or I ask him to. How a baby = no boundary with sleep. We do our best, all we can do. We need to spend more time as a family, together. I explained to a neurotypical person, his words and actions hurt, even if that is not his intent.

That our baby is the priority, always, even our mental health. We only have each other, and even though I can sympathize with your mental health, you just have to push past it. I am doing all I can, and if you need help, ask for it. He is willing to get extra support at the neuropsych where we live, beyond what he has.

I made it clear that no way his reaction was ok, and it cannot happen again for the baby’s sake. He seemed to understand. Around the house, he will spend less time alone. More with us. Free time happens AFTER or WHEN the baby sleeps. Not before. Games can be played in the living room where we are together.

Also, my mother offered to be ’’on call’’ if she has the time, so if my husband is alone with the baby, she can videochat.

He apologized for how he rejected my hug by standing there (he was annoyed, why he did not reciprocate), and how he worded things last night and this morning. I promised no students past 23:30. He said, of course, he would NEVER let our son just cry if he was going to bed, I had a student, and the baby was awake.

Before a baby arrives, couples usually make another huge change, which is to move in together. This also creates a different balance and many couples experience this shift in unique ways.