When one MIL walks into her son’s messy house and decides to “fix” things herself, the result is a family standoff worthy of its own reality show episode.
Dear Bright Side,
My son is 27. He is a good, handsome, hardworking man who puts in long hours to provide for his wife and their 5-month-old baby.
I drop by often—maybe more than my DIL likes, but someone has to make sure things are running properly. The last few times, I’ve found her lying in bed, scrolling through her phone, while the baby cries and the house looks like a disaster zone. Bottles scattered everywhere, laundry overflowing, dishes piled high.
My son comes home exhausted, only to pick up the mess she’s left behind. And last weekend was the last straw. When I walked in, my son was holding the baby with one arm and trying to cook dinner for him and my DIL with the other. And there she was—curled up in bed, watching Netflix.
I started cleaning up, fed the baby, and wiped the counters. I didn’t even ask her to get up because, honestly, I wanted to see if she would. She didn’t. She stayed right there.
When everything was finally done, I went to her room. She barely looked at me. Then she said, “You can’t imagine how exhausted I am.” That’s when I lost it.
As a mom myself I totally get how hard it is but putting it off on your partner so you can lie in bed all day is just messed up. Get your ass up and help take care of your child. I had c sections after both of my babies and still took care of my baby. It's called being a mom. Grow up already 🙄
She may have depression
She is lazy and a sorry mother. Postpartum bullshit!
If you have NEVER HAD POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION, STFU. It is debilitating. Just because you are too stupid to understand it, or have no shot of becoming a parent, YOU DON'T HAVE ANY RIGHT TO DISMISS IT AS BULLSHIT. Maybe if you had ANY kind of life, you would know that.
I hope you have the worst PD at some point. Where even getting up to go to the bathroom is work, an angry hungry newborn gnawing on your bleeding, raw even angrier mammary, dry skin and even drier hair, feeling lost, alone and exhausted.
I told her point-blank, “Are you exhausted from lying in bed? Must be nice to nap while my son raises your child.” But she literally froze when I gave her an invoice.
I listed all the errands my son does after work, helping her, and put a price on them. I added that if she wanted a servant to be able to stay in bed, she needed to pay for it. Of course, I didn’t mean it. I just wanted to show that this can be too much for my son to handle alone.
She started crying, saying I was being cruel. But what was I supposed to do? Pretend it’s fine while my son works himself to the bone?
Later, I got a horrible night call that made me regret it all: my son called and said I went too far, that I “made things worse.” He said that I couldn’t come to visit for a while, just to keep the peace.
Really? Watching him suffer like that, doing double duty while his wife hides behind excuses, makes my blood boil. Maybe I was harsh—but I’ve seen what happens when men like my son are taken for granted. She needed to hear it. And if that makes me the villain, so be it.
Thank you for your time,
Janice
Well I can't blame you. As a mom myself I get how hard it is to try to do it all but at the same time mothers have been doing this since the beginning of time and as a mom you just have to put on your big girl pants and do your part. I had a c section after both my kids and I still made myself get up and take care of my baby because that's just what moms do no one ever said being a mom was easy but your child always comes first and if you're not prepared then it's not gonna he easy. Asking for help dosnt make you a bad mom but putting it off on someone else is not the way to handle it. It took 2 of you to make it and it should be the first thing on your list every single day. Making your partner handle everyday while you stay in bed is not only selfish it's dangerous to not only your child but your partner. I k
Dear Janice,
Ah, yes. The classic tale of A Very Stressed New Mom, A Very Devoted Son, and A Very Involved Mother-In-Law. A triangle almost as old as civilization itself—though in ancient Mesopotamia, they didn’t have Netflix to complicate things.
Let’s break this down with some gentle truth-telling you really need to hear.
Before we judge your DIL’s horizontal lifestyle, let’s introduce one very factual detail:
About 1 in 7 women experience postpartum depression, and up to 80% experience baby blues, which can look exactly like you described: fatigue, withdrawal, low motivation, difficulty bonding, messy home, and yes—scrolling in bed.
These aren’t excuses; they are symptoms.
And even beyond mental health, new mothers lose the equivalent of 44 days of sleep in the first year. That would make anyone choose lying down over dishes.
Does this justify every behavior? Not necessarily. But it does explain why you’re seeing what you’re seeing.
You clearly love your son. That comes through loud and clear. But here’s where we need to put on the objective-psychologist hat: You absolutely went too far.
The invoice was creative—we’ll give you that! But in the real-world emotional ecosystem of a marriage, an invoice from the mother-in-law is the communication equivalent of offering a cat a bubble bath:
The intent might be clean, but the outcome will be catastrophic. And no one will thank you later.
Your son’s reaction? Predictable. He’s in protect-the-marriage mode. Almost every spouse goes into defensive formation when a parent confronts their partner—even when the partner might need help. That’s family systems theory 101.
I suffered post partum depression also, but no one ever offered to help with anything. It was called baby blues at the time, and women were told to judy get over it, your family needs you. So we did get on with it, while crying and barely surviving, this woman does need some hormonal help, and some in home help from someone in addition to her husband, at least for a while. 5 months is pretty long to feel as bad as been suggested.
Here’s the important factual insight: You tried to fix a marital dynamic that isn’t yours to fix.
Even if you’re right about the imbalance, it’s their conversation to have. Your role is grandma, supporter, helper when invited—not household auditor-in-chief.
Also—and this is crucial—dropping by unannounced (or too often) may actually be making things worse. Many new moms feel judged or watched, and that increases shutdown and resentment.
You were trying to protect your son. But what actually happened is this:
This doesn’t make you a villain. It makes you human, passionate, worried, and maybe a little too ready to jump in with both feet and a mop. But Janice—here’s the redeeming part: This can still be fixed.
And you can become part of the solution rather than a catalyst for more conflict.
The mum was just lazy. Post psrtum blues is short lived, not an optional career.
Step 1: Apologize.
Not the “sorry you got upset” type.
A real one: “I overstepped. I acted out of worry about my son, but I shouldn’t have spoken to you that way.”
Step 2: Ask your son what he needs from you.
Not what you think he needs.
Step 3: Offer help, not judgment.
Bring a meal. Fold laundry. Hold the baby.
But don’t evaluate, critique, or diagnose the cleanliness of the sink.
Step 4: Encourage your son and DIL to check in with a doctor.
If she’s dealing with postpartum depression or depletion, she needs professional support, not pressure.
Step 5: Reduce the drop-ins.
Even loving helicoptering is still helicoptering.
Maybe it’s time to retire the billing system—unless you plan to start charging yourself for unsolicited house inspections.
Warmly (and objectively),
Bright Side
Up next is a story from our reader who discovered that when a mother-in-law starts steering every aspect of your life—from the car you drive to when you’re “supposed” to start a family—pressure builds fast. Then she found something that wasn’t meant for her eyes... and suddenly, the entire marriage felt like it was sitting on a fault line: My Husband Wanted to Be a Mama’s Boy, He Went Too Far.
You VISIT, not LIVE THERE. She is YOUR SONS wife, not YOURS. You have Zero right to do what you just did. The rhing to do is ASK your son how things are going, if HE needs anything and that you are there for him.
For all you know? She does a sh!t ton of work. Babies are difficult, and its hard to keep a house clean at the same time. Maybe what he is foing is part of a agreement? Maybe there is more then you know? Didnt think of any of that, clearly.
Got to love the people telling you that you don't know what she's going through. Because obviously you've never raised a child before... Oh that's right you raised the person that's doing all the work in that house while, she sleeps all day. The ones that say maybe she works hard all day... Despite the fact that you've gone by and seen her doing absolutely nothing, and have seen the house a complete and utter disaster and found the baby alone and its crib screaming while she's playing on the phone. So you know she's not doing anything. So either you're lying or these people are just enablers.
Honestly though now that you don't get to go over there anymore, just sit back and watch it implode. Because now they won't have you helping while your son's working. And your daughter-in-law's not doing anything. So eventually they're going to have to figure something out whether it be she's going to have to get off her button actually clean her house or they're going to have to swallow their pride and admit they need you.
My dil showed similar issues after her third child. She was talking about leaving because she felt inadequate and that my son deserved more. My son was at his wits end. I suggested that she might have depression. He bought her a beautiful necklace and wrote a loving letter on how much he appreciated her. That went a long way in helping her come back to us.
