I Refuse to Let My Best Friend Disrespect Me

How much honesty is too much in a friendship? Does “You are not ugly, but” sound fine? Our reader’s best friend went too far in commenting on appearance. Dive into how Vera handled a shocking dose of honesty that made her rethink what it means to be a friend.

Hello, Bright Side,

I (36F) have been best friends with Christina (35F) for over 15 years. We’ve been through a lot together, and I always thought we could say anything to each other.
But a few days ago, we were at lunch talking about our love life. I’m recently divorced, and she’s been with her boyfriend for a couple of years. She started complaining about how much work it takes to look good for guys and said, “Not everyone can just rely on personality only.” Then she looked at me and said, “I honestly don’t know how you do it. You’re a great person, but I don’t think you’re as cute as you think. Maybe try harder with your appearance?”
I was caught off guard. At first, I laughed, thinking she was joking. She wasn’t. I asked if she was serious, and she said, “Yeah. You could look better. I figured you knew that.” I didn’t know what to say. I’ve always felt okay about how I look. It just felt harsh.
The next day, I told her her comment really hurt me. She said, “I didn’t mean to upset you. I just wanted to be honest and maybe give you a different perspective.” Then she added, “You’re kind of overreacting, though. I meant it to help. I am your friend, who else would be able to tell you this?”

That just made it worse. I felt like my feelings were being dismissed. Am I really being too sensitive, or did she cross the line?

Vera

Hello Vera,

No one has the right to judge how you perceive yourself, especially in such a sensitive area as physical appearance. True friends support each other, and constructive criticism should be given with care and consideration, not as an offhand comment that could hurt. Here are some new perspectives for you:

• Friends may assume they can be “brutally honest” because they’ve shared so much over the years. But even in the closest relationships, there are limits. Instead of just addressing the comment, consider letting Christina know that you refuse to tolerate this.
  
  You could say something like, “Christina, we’ve been friends for so long, but I feel like the way we communicate with each other might have changed recently. When you made that comment about my appearance, it felt like a judgment. I know we’ve always been honest with each other, but I think there’s a limit to what we can say without considering how it might affect the other person. I just want to tell you that when I shared how hurt I was, it felt like you didn’t really listen to me.”

• Explain that honesty should come from a place of care. Tell her that “honesty” shouldn’t feel like an attack. In the future, you’d prefer her to express any thoughts about your appearance in a way that feels supportive, not critical. A friend’s honesty should boost you, not make you feel bad about yourself.
  
  How could Christina put it differently? Here is one of the options: “I believe you could totally shine even more if you played around with different colors or styles that highlight your natural beauty!”

• It might be a good idea to think about the overall vibe of your friendship. Friendships should be based on respect and understanding. If she keeps brushing off your feelings, it might be a sign of a bigger problem.

And remember: it’s okay to walk away from any connection that doesn’t serve your well-being, even if it has lasted a long time.

Good luck,
Bright Side

Could the truth really be more damaging than the comfort of silence? Just ask our reader who finally told her 17-year-old son the painful truth about his father—and was blindsided by what came next.