Children of divorce catch on at a very early on how to manipulate and pit their parents against each other. 6
I Refuse to Let My Husband’s Daughter Live With Us Unless She Follows My Rules
Emily never wanted to live in the same house with her husband’s teenage daughter. However, when the daughter asked to move in, Emily felt she couldn’t simply say no. She agreed but made it clear that her stepdaughter would need to respect her rules. Emily didn’t expect her request to lead to family drama and conflict, so she turned to Bright Side seeking advice.
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You did well. She has to follow people's rules. When she gets a job, she will need to follow rules, start now lol. She seems a bit spoiled for sure. After school, she would probably have to give up the dog anyway if she's off to college. Not many dorms can have dogs.. and she can cook her own meals. I started cooking when I was 7, a teen can and should. She can still visit the dog when she sees her mom. Husband is being unreasonable for sure here.
Stepmom is not being mean at all. I am not sure why people are trying to make her into that mean stepmother. She should not have to coddle the teen. She is setting up the expectations of the house. I am sure she doesn't bring the animal on visitation because she already knows about the allergy. No wonder why young people these days act the way they do when you have people just telling someone that is allergic to get over it and take allergy meds.
You can take allergy medicine so she can bring her dog with her. She shouldn't be made to give up something so precious to her, that's harsh. Why would she have to eat separate meals, is someone vegan? She can eat with the family. The chores are fine she can just share them with the other kids. Rooming with your daughter shouldn't be difficult as long as everyone is nice and respectful of each other. Unless she's a spoiled brat who's used to getting her way, this could work out.
You lost me.with the rule on the dog. The rest is.very reasonable
I don't see your requirements as being unreasonable. There will always be problems. But once you marry someone who despite divorce and they have children, you inherited their problems also because between the ex and his daughter they will always be somewhere in his life. You and him really need to talk or seek counseling. Because there's a lot of advice, but from anyone looking at your situation like a window shopper the advice or opinions may or may not help you. Not many will understand your experience because we all are on a different path in life unique to each individual.
I'm sorry but the stepmom is not wrong at all the rules are completely understandably
All the people saying the teenager should be allowed to bring her dog have, clearly, never had to deal with allergies. I'm allergic to cats. Being around a cat for a few minutes will put me in bed for days. I've tried every medication; some work a little but mmost don't work at all for severe allergies.
I think we all got to misunderstanding here she got rules for her house and people that move in are going to live there have to abide by her rules now if someone's allergic to dogs or cats and they can't be there what's wrong with her telling her that she can't bring it it's not that she's being cruel or that the dog is another child because that's not true it's not up even about standing your ground it's just about you have rules just like anybody else and you don't let this situation toward you and your husband apart you guys find a solution that's just it she's still a child and you don't want to risk someone being sick because a dog is there so you and the husband work it out what we have to say doesn't matter it's how you guys are going to work it out together
Use a period.
I don’t understand the separate meals thing. Also, I would never subject my dog to a hostile environment. Stepmom basically said no without having to say it.
Stepdaughter is probably vegan and wants step mom to cook special meals for her. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with having a special diet, but a teenager can learn to cook their own food if they want something different to eat.
I think she’s just saying she won’t cook her a separate meal, that she’ll have to eat with everyone else. Perhaps her stepdaughter is a vegetarian or vegan and if so I totally side with the stepmom.
All of this was reasonable
Stepdaughter is young, troubled and upset about leaving her beloved dog behind. Hormones are raging and some soft words & active listening are called for here. She needs a hug.
As a parent you know the dog would have helped with the smooth transition . Stepmom went too far too fast. She could have had a girls day , where she bonded with her one on one to establish that connection. Then established the rules with understanding of the step daughter situation. Good rul3s ....wrong approach!
Have you talked to her mom and asked what the disagreement is about?..Perhaps you could negotiate a reconciliation which would be better for everyone, it could be she is balking at her moms house too...There are always going to be rules in life, she may need help making up with her mom...it would be better for everyone, the pup is accepted and loved, im sure she has established friends close by...please give it some thought and try..no need for everyone to go through this emotional ordeal..Wishing you and your family the best..
Likewise. I was expecting something totally unreasonable. If she can't cope with these 'rules', I can see why she fell out with her own mother.
If those were her kids coming to live with her....she would approached it with more compassion...."not what u say...but how u sat it"...
Wow so many mean comments from people who don't know the whole situation. We don't know if there was a conversation about the teen of the husband was going to live with them. Or if the teen has an attitude with a disrespectful behavior. Or if the teen is bringing drama or outside problems with her. We don't know if its the wife 's home or not . Or what agreements was made before the marriage. What the new mother/ wife is doing is setting rules in her home. And it's her right to do so. Not one of you mention that doing chores or sharing a room is normal in families. And if that is part of house rules she should do them if she want to be part of the family. We don't know if the husband agree or disagree with it. Why haven't anyone question why the teen daughter don't want to live with her mother ? Do the mother know something we don't know?
Hopefully the mother of the step daughter doesn’t die so the daughter doesn’t become a full time family member if she wasn’t to keened on treating all of the children equally this wouldn’t be a problem but it is bc only her children exsit and the father allows it
Who owns the house and who is the bread winner are your kids your husbands kids or your step kids becuase if you get to make rules for hes kids he should get to make rules for your kids
It's got nothing to do with who is the breadwinner. This is 2024, we no longer thump our chests and say "man boss, woman do as told"
Although she calls them rules, they're more an explanation of what living in a shared household actually means.
There's nothing there that wasn't perfectly reasonable. I'm sure if the husband had a cat allergy her (or their) children wouldn't be allowed a kitten. That's the same thing.
Think you are being disingenuous & out of your depth. Step daughter has as much right to live with her father as your daughters have to live with you,
Why you're behaving as if the request is so "extra" or crazy beyond the pale. Or, as if you can actually keep your husband while spitting on his daughter, when she needs him.
She didn't expect anything from the stepdaughter she wasn't asking of her own. We don't the reasons the stepdaughter can't get along with her own mother for one. I would NEVER allow the well being of my own children be undermined by a step kid. If the stepdaughter wants to live with her dad sheneeds to get with the program.
What about the fact that the step daughter was uproot3d from her home to new environment...stepmom says she loves her .. but what is people definition of love these days...and for sure she should have compromise with the dogs....when u know it's bring her comfort.....rules are fine...but she played it wrong.....wasn't out of love
If you actually read it the step mom has allergies that the dog would compound. The step daughter would have known this when she asked to move in. She had every right to say no dog in Her home
I'm not cooking special meals just for you. Fair enough.
You will have to share a room. They don't have anywhere else to put her.
You will have to do chores. Of course she will.
You can't bring the dog. She's allergic! What else is she supposed to do?
She hasn't said she can't live with them, she's just spelt out the realities of that.
Why is she not speaking to her own mama?????
I can't see how you are unreasonable with your rules. There is no way you should be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home. You have the right, as head of your household, to live in comfort and if you aren't comfortable with the dog in the house, regardless of the reason, your stepdaughter has to make a choice for herself. She, after all, has options. She can't get along with her mom and now showing signs that she will disrupt your household. I do feel you erred by not first discussing this with your husband and the two of you present a united front. Whether you chose to discuss these rules with her without him or he left you to do it by yourself, it was a bad move. But that advice is based on having been there. Blended families aren't easy and a you go through this transition, it is advisable that you and your husband first discuss and present a united front with the children as much as possible.
If cleaning makes her uncomfortable that's a her problem. They have no where else to put her assuming boy girl kid separate rooms she has to share with the girl. Eat what I cook or cook for yourself. Simple. And she has allergies she is suppose to die in her home??? None of what she is saying is unreasonable at all. And if step daughter thinks so I can see what she isnt getting along with mom. And quite frankly she won't be able to live anywhere cause when you stay somewhere you don't own on your own your following someone rules.
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Your children can live there but his child can't is what your saying. Hope your husband isn't surprised and knows who's to blame when she goes no contact.
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You are correct but should just say you don't want her there. Asking her to get rid of the dog says that anyway.
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I don’t hear anyone asking why this child is not speaking to her own mother. Her mother is obviously NOT DEAD! She is choosing NOT to live at her home, with the parent who obviously has parental custody of her. Sounds like a spoiled brat who wants to move somewhere where she thinks she can live free and act like an adult! I have lots of friends who had to leave their pets at home or rehouse them because they were not allowed where they moved or they just couldn’t afford the pet fees. And how unfair is it to a pet to have to live somewhere with someone who is allergic to you and they resent your being in their home?!
Thank you, Emily, for trusting us with your story. The situation is indeed difficult, especially with a teenager adjusting to a new family dynamic. We hope that our advice will be helpful for you.
Communicate clearly.
Sit down with your stepdaughter and have an open, honest conversation about the rules and why they are important. Explain that these rules are not meant to be punitive, but to ensure fairness and maintain order in the household. Listen to her concerns and be open to discussing possible adjustments that could make her feel more comfortable without compromising your family’s needs.
Seek common ground.
Find areas where you and your stepdaughter can agree. For example, you could be flexible with the rules, like letting her ease into the chores over time or finding a solution for her dog if bringing it isn’t possible. Compromising can reduce tension and show that you’re willing to work together to make things work.
Consider involving a counselor.
Consider bringing in a family counselor or mediator if talking things through remains difficult. A neutral person can help guide a productive discussion between you, your husband, and your stepdaughter, making sure everyone’s concerns are listened to and handled fairly.
Create a plan.
Recognize that moving in can be a significant adjustment for a teenager. Develop a transition plan that includes gradual integration into the household rules and responsibilities. This approach can help her adapt more smoothly and feel more included in the family dynamics.
Reaffirm your support.
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The biggest mistake she made was not talking this over with her husband beforehand and coming to a mutually agreed upon set of rules and then having h be the one to present those rules to his daughter.
Making up the rules on her own and going to the daughter on her own to tell her the rules she decided upon was a mistake.
Doing things the way she did was bound to create resentment from the daughter since she is her stepmother and not her actual mother (step parents disciplining or making rules for their step children rarely goes well); as well as from her husband for not including him in the decision making process for the rules for his child.
While her rules may have been reasonable, she pretty much went about it in the worst way possible.
Make sure your stepdaughter knows that, despite the rules, you care about her and want her to feel welcomed and valued in the family. Spend quality time with her and show support in ways that help build trust and strengthen your relationship. This will help her feel loved and reduce feelings of resentment or rejection.
Relationships with in-laws can also be difficult, especially when you have different views on important subjects. When a caring grandmother discovered that her daughter-in-law was only bathing the children twice a week, she couldn’t help but step in. Little did she expect that her actions would lead to family conflict and drama.
Comments
But the key word to me was 'ideal'that in the sentence made it sound like she really doesn't want her living with them at any rate. Most likely making it more difficult for the teen ok first it's these 4 rules, what's going to happen next to try to get her to leave and then after that if the second motive doesn't work. I feel. Like the step mom is beating around the bush to hide majority of the extension she's going to bring making herself sound good but just another Disney evil step mother.
I'm a mother of 5 adult children and they all have to follow the same rules. Boundaries are very important for children. Remember your step daughter will be an adult one day.
Nothing abnormal or out of line with these rules. Seems like normal expectations to me. Maybe the same kinds of rules are why she doesn't want to live with her mother.
Whose home is it? If the wife's home she should make the rules and the husband's daughter should understand. If the home belongs to the husband, then the wife needs to set up the rules with her husband and he can lay them out to his daughter.
How would you feel if your step daughter was with her dad full time when you and him got married and your kids lived with their dad then wanted to move in with you guys and your husband set boundaries and rules on them? You would be mad and say that's unfair to them.
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