Being a parent doesn’t end when your child becomes an adult — but what happens when their needs collide with your own future? One reader shared how refusing to give up a hard-earned career to care for a sick adult child set off a storm of judgment.
Hi Bright Side!
My son is 23 and has a chronic illness that flares up unpredictably. He can’t always work full-time, and I’ve supported him financially for years — rent, medical bills, even college. I love him, but I’ve also worked my entire life to build a career I’m proud of.
Recently, he and some relatives started pressuring me to quit my job and become his full-time caregiver. They say, “family comes first.” But I’m a single mom who finally got promoted after years of struggling. If I step back now, I’ll lose everything I’ve worked for.
I told him I’ll keep helping with money where I can, and I’ll pay for in-home care if needed, but I won’t give up my career. He cried and said I care more about money than him. My family piled on, calling me selfish.
Then one day, I got a letter in the mail. My son had actually filed paperwork with the court to request financial support and formal caregiving from me. He never even told me — I just opened the envelope and saw my name listed as the “responsible party.”
I felt blindsided. Instead of talking to me, he went behind my back to make it legal. Now I’m stuck between fighting my own child in court or giving up the life I built.
Wow he wants to go to court that's fine he can get a state mandated guardian and go in a home. How will you provide for him with no money. He will get 770 on disability a month and you get nothing as caregiver. If your parents want to guilty you they can take care of him. It so easy to guilty people when they don't have to do it. If you accept to being her guardian you will be able to get FMLA at your job to be there when he does get sick but you won't get paid while you are out.
So if you quit your career, WHERE WILL THE MONEY FOR HIS CARE COME FROM? As far as "FAMILY" Let their sorry, lazy, judgemental asses care of him or pay for someone else to do it. You are NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM ANYMORE. Being chronically ill sucks, but you NEVER SIGNED ANYTHING saying that YOU WERE responsible for his bills or home care. If you get letters or bills or calls about you being the responsible party, just tell them that they were misinformed and give them your son's phone number. Do not engage with them in any way. Do not discuss your son's cases AT ALL. Don't let them bully you or guilt you or try to shame you. You may be his parent but he is an ADULT that has been employed before and can avail himself of the social, medical and financial services that are available in your State. He sounds quite capable, whether he is ill or not. He managed to get a legal case filed against you, so he can advocate for himself. Also STOP FINANCIALLY HELPING HIM. I guarantee that he's more concerned about the money than he is letting on. Also, make sure that he CAN'T MESS WITH YOUR EMPLOYMENT. He may try to contact your employer and say that you quit your job or that you are not available for _____ fill in the blank. I think that it's very sad that after all you have done for him, you are being treated like that. Ask yourself how much crap you are willing to put up with, or how MUCH MORE you are willing to lose just to keep being treated like that. Tim to push him out of the nest, mama. You can't help him if you don't help yourself, and giving in to his emotional BLACKMAIL won't help you at all.
He has no qualms about fighting YOU in court, and ignoring all you’ve already done. Gloves are off. People who are ill don’t get a free pass to illicit life long sympathy at others expense. They can be just as manipulative. This is heinous treatment and you should seek legal advice.
If you gave up your job there would be no money to help in all the ways you are doing now. Why does he want you to stay home as well? If you go ahead and get him in home care he'd probably like that better than the embarrassing positions he may find himself in with a care giving mom. You should go ahead and make that move. Does he live with you now? I'm sure he'll have all he needs with in care and you home in the evening
He's manipulating you. Do what you need to do legally to protect yourself and let him get a caregiver on his own. Put on your own oxygen mask first.
Get a lawyer. And after you win? Not another dime.
Parenting doesn’t magically end when your kids grow up. For many parents, the hardest challenge begins when an adult child leans on you too much — for money, time, or attention. The good news? The solution isn’t cutting them off completely, but learning how to set healthy, loving boundaries.
Why Parents Struggle With Boundaries
Left unchecked, these patterns keep reinforcing themselves — the more you give, the more dependent your child becomes.
Get a lawyer and fight this. He's an adult and can figure this out for himself. Seems to me that if he's an adult he doesn't have a leg to stand on. As for the rest of the family tell them to step up if they feel so strongly about it.
Experts emphasize the difference:
Barriers push people away.
Boundaries protect your time and energy while keeping the relationship loving.
For example, instead of ignoring calls or always saying “yes,” you can offer clear limits with compassion:
“I’m busy right now, but I’ll call you back at 6pm.”
“I can talk for 20 minutes before I head out.”
“I know you can handle this — I believe in you. Let’s catch up tomorrow morning.”
Key Takeaway: Feeling guilty or selfish for setting boundaries is common — but misplaced. Boundaries are not rejection. They’re an act of love that respects both your needs and your child’s growth.
When you stop people-pleasing and start communicating limits with kindness, you protect your energy, strengthen your bond, and give your adult child the chance to stand on their own two feet.
Boundaries aren’t walls — they’re bridges to healthier, more respectful relationships with your adult children.
My Dad Left His Fortune to My Stepsister Because I’m Child-Free — So I Turned the Tables
