My DIL Wants to Be Paid for Helping Around the House—I Thought We Were Family

Sharing chores at home can get tricky—especially when in-laws are part of the mix. One woman found that out the hard way when she tried to include her daughter-in-law in helping around the house. What she hoped would be teamwork ended up causing a major falling out in the family.

One day, I asked my DIL if she could help with some cleaning and cooking since they were staying for the weekend again. She crossed her arms and said coldly, “I’m not going to clean and cook for free.”

I was taken aback. “It’s not about free,” I said calmly. “It’s about helping out as a guest.” She ignored me.

It stung, but I waited until night to speak to my son, expecting him to reason with her. I was shocked when he said, “Mom, you have to pay her. Housework is still work.”

I’ve always welcomed them into my home, cooked special meals, and even helped with their bills now and then.

But I stayed calm and said, “Fine. I’ll pay her—on one condition: she starts paying me for babysitting the kids every Saturday.” I’ve been watching their children every weekend for two years, and I never asked for a cent.

“That’s not the same! You’re their grandma,” he said.

My DIL snapped that I was being petty and passive-aggressive. My son accused me of trying to “put a price on family.” I reminded them that they were the ones who turned family into a transaction.

They left early. The next day, my son texted me: “We’ll figure out other arrangements.” And true to their word, they found a paid babysitter.

It hurts. But I also feel like I need to stand my ground. Did I go too far?

We appreciate you opening up about what you’re going through. We understand that conflicts with your son and daughter-in-law can feel overwhelming. Here are a few suggestions to help you work through the issue while still standing firm on what matters to you.

• Let the dust settle before reaching out again. Sometimes, the healthiest thing you can do for a relationship is give it a little breathing room. Let them live with their choice for a while. Let them experience what it means to rely on someone who’s paid by the hour and not bonded by love.
• In the meantime, don’t fill the silence with guilt or resentment. Use it as a time to reflect, regain your peace, and remind yourself that your love doesn’t mean endless sacrifice. When you do talk again, you’ll be calmer, clearer, and more likely to be heard.
• Invite a reset, not a debate. If you’re ready, let them know you’d like to move forward, but only if respect flows both ways. You can gently say, “I want to be a part of your lives, and I know this has gotten complicated. I’d like us to press pause on the frustration and start again, even if it takes time.”

• Consider telling your son that this isn’t about money—it’s about fairness. Reassure them that you’ll always love your grandkids, but caring for them weekly was never meant to become an unspoken job. You didn’t mind until it felt like a one-way street.
  By keeping your tone neutral but firm, you communicate that your boundary is healthy, not hostile. Sometimes, it’s not what we say, but how we say it that makes the difference.
• Put the focus on the grandkids’ experience. Sometimes adults need to be reminded of what children are seeing. Your grandkids likely felt safe and loved during your visits, and now there’s a sudden shift.
  You can point out that you miss them and hope they’re doing well. This shows your son and DIL that your love remains constant, even through conflict.

A different woman found herself in a tough spot with her daughter-in-law after she refused to watch her grandkids without pay. What seemed like a simple request turned into a bigger issue that sparked tension between them. You can read the full story here.