Dear Bright Side,
I take care of my son and DIL’s children while they’re at work. It’s something that has been going on since the first was born. I like spending time with them. I always cook and clean to make sure their parents have nothing to worry about when they get home.
So when my DIL invited me to go on vacation with them, I expected to have my first real break in years. You know, some family time, bonding, shared responsibilities. But I quickly realized that I was mistaken.
The second we arrived, my DIL turned to me, smiled and said, “You’ll look after the kids, right? John and I have dinner plans, and I’m hoping for some romantic time without the drama that comes with the children.”
That was when I realized she had brought me along to babysit for them. She wanted to have fun without the hassle of looking after her kids. I was shocked and furious. If she didn’t want the kids there, she shouldn’t have brought them. And she shouldn’t just expect me to drop everything for her.
So I simply told her, “I have plans for tomorrow.” She seemed upset, but I didn’t care. Her children are not my responsibility. If she wanted “alone time,” she could get a sitter. I came on vacation to relax and enjoy myself, not be her go-to nanny.
The next morning, instead of making breakfast, I booked myself a pensioner’s tour of the city. I left long before anyone else woke up, and when they did, they were in for a surprise. They would wake up to find all the dishes in the sink, toys on the floor and two very hyperactive children.
It wasn’t long before I got the call I had been waiting for. My son begged me to come home and look after the kids, while my DIL could be heard mumbling in the background. And the kids, were as busy as I expected them to be.
I told my son I would not be coming back. This was a vacation for me too, and I planned on making the most of it. If they needed help, they could hire someone. My DIL grabbed the phone and told me that I was being unreasonable and selfish.
She said that I knew exactly what I was getting into when I agreed to the trip. But I told her that I was asked to come on a family vacation, not to watch their children while they had a vacation, there’s a difference.
When I got home that night, they were furious and fed up. But I didn’t care. I did what I wanted to do for the children and went to bed. The thing is that I wonder if I might have been wrong. So Bright Side, should I have just kept quiet and done what they asked me to do?
Regards,
Jane A.
Thank you for reaching out to us, Jane. We understand how difficult this situation must’ve been for you, especially since your DIL made you feel like you weren’t valued. So we’ve put together a few tips that might be helpful.
You’ve been so reliable for so long that your DIL stopped seeing you as a guest and started seeing you as part of the household machinery. On that vacation, she didn’t think she was asking for a favor, in her mind, she was just continuing the routine she’d always maintained. To change that, you’ll need to make your absence felt in small, intentional ways, skip a few midweek babysitting days, decline “quick” errands, and let them handle the normal chaos. Only then will they realize how much you’ve been carrying.
If they genuinely want you along as family, they’ll include you in the plans and give you space to relax. If they hesitate or can’t clearly explain what you’d be doing on the trip, you’ll know it’s just another babysitting assignment wrapped in a vacation bow. You can still go if you want, but this time, go as yourself, not as the built-in childcare option.
After that phone call, instead of defending why you took a tour, talk about it with excitement: “We visited the old town, the museum was incredible.” When they see that you’re investing your energy elsewhere, they’ll have to adjust their expectations. You’ve taught them once what happens when you’re unavailable. Now, it’s time to teach them that your life isn’t on standby between their work shifts.
Jane’s situation isn’t as difficult as it seems. She just needs to let her son know that there’s a difference between what she’s willing to do and what she’s obligated to do.
But she isn’t the only one who is having problems with her child. Another one of our readers shared their story. Read it here: I Refuse to Delay My Retirement to Help My Adult Son.
If you're asked again just say "No thanks. Have fun. Oh, don't leave your children with me, I've got plans." Even if your plans are to do nothing.
And when you do babysit, do it on your schedule, not theirs. And stop doing anything else for them. No cooking, no laundry, no anything. They're adults, with children they chose to have. Let them adult.
