Every December, we get messages from readers who find themselves caught in holiday drama they never signed up for — not with family, but at work. This year, one story stood out. It came from a reader who thought declining a simple office activity would be no big deal... until it snowballed into group-chat gossip, manager backlash, and an unexpected meeting with HR.
Here’s the letter she sent us.
So my office does Secret Santa every year. Normally it’s optional, but this year, management announced a “mandatory participation guideline” because “we need to boost morale.”
Translation: everyone must spend money whether they want to or not.
The buy-in was $40.
$40.
For a game I didn’t sign up for, in an office where half the team makes jokes about “living off ramen.”
I politely told my manager I didn’t want to participate. I don’t celebrate Christmas, and even if I did, I’m not dropping $40 to buy a coffee mug for someone who won’t even answer emails.
She said, “Well, you HAVE to. It’s part of our culture initiative.”
I said no again.
The next day, I noticed coworkers whispering. Someone had apparently told them “I refused to be a team player” and that I “ruined the gift exchange dynamic.” Someone even slid a passive-aggressive note onto my desk that said, “Don’t be so Grinchy :)”
I ignored it.
Two days later, HR emailed, saying they needed to “discuss my attitude surrounding holiday engagement.” I thought it was a joke.
Nope. I walked in, and they had PRINTED screenshots from the team chat showing people complaining about “someone refusing to participate” and “killing the holiday spirit.”
HR asked why I wouldn’t join in “something that fosters workplace connection.”
I said, “Because mandatory fun isn’t fun. And because I’m not spending $40 I don’t have on a gift nobody asked for.”
The HR rep blinked and said, “You should have communicated your financial concerns sooner.”
I said, “I did. To my manager. She told me it wasn’t optional.”
After a long pause, HR quietly admitted it was optional — it just “looks bad” when someone opts out.
I said, “Looks bad to who? The people gossiping about me behind my back?”
By the end of the meeting, they backtracked, said employees “absolutely can opt out,” and sent a new message to the whole office clarifying participation was voluntary.
Now everyone knows I’m the reason the rules changed.
Some coworkers avoid me.
Some thanked me privately because they couldn’t afford it either.
My manager hasn’t spoken to me since.
And guess what?
The Secret Santa still happens.
And the morale?
Not boosted.
Oscara
Thank you, Oscara, for trusting us with your story — and for saying out loud what so many employees feel during the holiday season but are too afraid to admit. If you’ve ever found yourself pressured into “mandatory fun” at work, or felt guilty for putting your budget and sanity first, you’re not alone.
They CAN'T force you to participate if it is AGAINST YOUR RELIGION. SO WHY must you participate if it is AGAINST YOUR PERSONAL CHOICES? That is STEALING FROM YOUR PAYCHECK, so to speak. If company morale is low, then THE COMPANY IS RESPONSIBLE FOR BRINGING IT BACK UP. NOT THE EMPLOYEES.You should not have to SPEND YOUR OWN MONEY, TO SUPPORT THE BUSINESS. SLFAJN= Start looking for another job now.
Some people avoid Secret Santa — minimalism is trending, and many don’t want more random clutter in their homes. But there’s another layer to it: a lot of employees simply don’t like how workplace gifts make them look. Secret Santa can feel like a performance, and some fear being judged for giving something “cheap.”
Research backs this up. In 2019, 17% of Millennials said they’d been called stingy because of a Secret Santa gift. No surprise, then, that many believe the tradition should disappear altogether. In fact, 20% of workers wish holiday gift exchanges would just stop, and 35% want Secret Santa banned entirely.
Why the pushback? Most people say they either have no idea what to buy or think the gifts are a total waste of money and space.
In a 2021 study: 79% admitted they never know what to get, and 87% said they simply re-gift whatever they received last year.
The least welcome gifts?
Bars of soap, knockoff Chia Pets, and... random vegetables.
Money is another huge factor. On average, people spend $85 on a Secret Santa gift. More than a quarter of Millennials said they actually had to dip into savings to participate. For something that’s supposed to be “fun,” that’s a lot of pressure.
Participation in Secret Santa is optional — and always should be.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing not to join your office’s Secret Santa. According to HR specialists at Cube HR, an employer cannot force anyone to participate.
That said, they recommend employers ask why someone might opt out. The answer might be more serious than “I’m not into it.”
In every case, Cube HR emphasizes one thing clearly: It’s the employee’s decision, and it must be respected.
And it seems workplaces are slowly getting the message. A 2022 consumer survey found that more people were prioritizing gifts for loved ones instead of coworkers. That year, nearly half (49%) of Americans planned to skip Secret Santa at work, while 22% still felt pressured into joining in 2023.
1. Be honest about what’s happening.
You don’t have to keep uncomfortable workplace behavior to yourself. Speaking up helps others understand the situation — and you may find you’re not the only one experiencing it.
2. Ask for guidance.
If you’re unsure how to handle things, talk to someone you trust at work. This could be:
Some workplaces even have designated staff trained to help with sensitive issues. And if the stress is affecting your well-being, consider speaking with your GP.
3. Stay as calm as you can.
Unfair remarks or comments often say more about the other person than they do about you. Try not to take things personally, and don’t feel pressured to justify yourself. Instead, ask them to clarify their behavior.
4. Have a direct conversation — if you feel safe doing so.
Sometimes people aren’t aware of how they’re coming across. If you can, calmly explain what’s been happening and why it bothers you. Plan what you want to say beforehand and keep it polite and clear. If you’re uncomfortable addressing them alone, bring a colleague for support.
5. Keep written notes.
Record dates, times, and details of the interactions you’re concerned about. These notes can be extremely helpful later if you decide to take further steps.
6. Consider a formal complaint.
If you’ve tried addressing the issue informally and nothing changes, follow your employer’s grievance procedure. This is the official route for resolving workplace problems.
7. As a final step, explore legal options.
If the situation continues even after a formal complaint, you may consider legal action through an employment tribunal. Always seek professional advice before taking this route.
Have you been in a situation like this? Share your story with us.
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