I Refused to Let My Terminally Ill Mother Move In—She Abandoned Me First

When our reader’s estranged mother reappears, asking to move in while terminally ill, she refuses. But the situation spirals in such a way that even the police get involved. Read her story and find out how she is going to navigate this complicated situation.

My mom left when I was 12 to be with another man, so my dad raised me alone. Now I’m 28, my dad’s gone, and the house is mine. Last week, my mom called out of nowhere. Said she was terminally ill and wanted to “fix things” and wanted to move back into my house. She added, “It would mean a lot to stay in the home I raised you in.” I refused and told her, “You didn’t raise me. You left.” She cried and said I was being cruel. That I’m her only child.

I didn’t think much of it until yesterday. I woke up to knocking at the door—it was the police. A neighbor had called. They said there was an unresponsive woman on my front steps. It was my mom. She’d been out there for hours, her bags still beside her. They think she collapsed from exhaustion or maybe the meds she stopped taking.

Now she’s in the hospital. They asked if I was her emergency contact. I said no. I felt a pang of guilt. But I’ve spent more years grieving a living mother than most people spend after one dies. I’m not opening my door to someone who closed it on me first.

Does that make me heartless?

Scarlett

Dear Scarlett,

You’re not heartless.

What you’re experiencing is a complicated emotional situation shaped by years of grief and abandonment. Your reaction to your mother’s return is rooted in self-preservation, and it’s completely understandable. You’ve spent years grieving the loss of the mother who left, and now, her sudden reappearance demands something that feels out of place. She asks for care that she failed to provide by herself. The care every child in the world needs.

So, how is it possible to navigate this situation without feeling guilty or pressured into something that doesn’t feel right?

• Recognize that you don’t owe your mother the responsibility of caregiving, especially after the way she abandoned you. You are not obligated to take her back into your life, even if guilt tries to push you in that direction. Acknowledge that choosing not to open the door to her is about protecting your emotional space, not about being cold-hearted.
• If you still feel conflicted about fully shutting her out, explore options where you can help from a distance. This might mean contacting a social worker or healthcare provider to ensure she has access to proper care. You could offer help in more neutral ways, such as arranging medical support or connecting her with a local shelter, without directly inviting her into your home. This can give you peace of mind that you’re not abandoning her while maintaining your boundaries.
• You don’t have to completely close the door, but you can draw the line. If your mother reaches out again, express that while you understand her situation, you are unable to provide the care she wants. Explain that your home and emotional resources are already stretched. This allows you to offer a certain level of empathy without sacrificing your well-being.

There’s no rush to make a decision. Take your time to process the emotions that are surfacing now that your mother is back in your life. This situation is overwhelming, and it’s okay to give yourself time to think it through, especially as you’re dealing with both grief and the immediate pressure of her health.

By acknowledging your feelings and finding a way to respond that feels right for you, you can handle this situation with compassion, not just for your mother, but for yourself as well.

Saying ‘no’ should be enough, right? But what happens when it’s not? When your boundaries are tested and pushed beyond your limits, things can spiral in the most unexpected ways. These stories show just how far some will go when they don’t respect your wishes: 11 People Who Just Refuse to Understand the Word “No”